BABIES.....

I talked to a friend (yes, YOU Jean!) recently who gave me heck for not writing anything for a minute. I was both flattered and annoyed. Flattered that she cares enough to complain (and that she actually ENJOYS reading what I write – her exact quote was “Why do dreary days always make me horny?”... oops... wrong quote.... she ALSO said, “sorry about harping on you earlier... but I enjoy reading your stories.... it amazes me that such beautiful things come from you” - HEY! I don't think she was trying to be flattering!!!!!!). Annoyed at myself for not being able to create something anytime, anywhere that is both brilliant AND entertaining. Well, I know better. I put the “ill” in “brilliant”.

I'm sitting here watching TV and I look around and feel something is missing. Oh brother.......... here we go again....... Something is missing and I know exactly what it is. Something I have been debating for years (decades actually) and somehow ride BOTH sides of the fence. Something that creeps in quickly without warning.

Tonight, I wish I had a son.... a daughter...... not a puppy or a goldfish.

A human being that I created through love (and a chemical reaction of course, preferably NOT with someone I pay by the hour). Someone I can hold, talk to, swing from their ankles, hide from in the store, buy things they will forget about in 10 minutes, someone I can love unconditionally, and someone who will love me back. Someone who I can teach all the bad words, all the tricks to succeed in business, everything I know to make life more fun and more fulfilling, and someone who can bring me tears of joy just by being there. A child to show they can make a difference in another's life, to change the rules of solitaire so that we can WIN more often, to torment their Grandmother, to make sense of this crazy life I've led, and to be proud of whatever it is they become. A mini-me that I can help celebrate the success's and properly deal with those moments in life that seem so awful we don't know how we can get out of bed or even breathe. Someone who will be there on days (and nights) like this.....

It's not like I CAN'T have a child. There has been close-calls in the distant past that, at the time, seemed like a blessing to NOT happen. Jean reminds me that our child would have been over 20 years old by now. How life would have been different for me if THAT happened. Better? Who knows.... Different for sure. She was a fantastic mother of Donnie and would have done her part. The doubt came in ME. Would I be my father's child and just explain away why I shouldn't bother in his or her life? Would I be selfish and not be involved in their growing up? Back then I was a complete idiot and had no idea where I was going or how to get anywhere. I was just an insecure ass that wasn't good for anyone, let alone be GOOD at being a Dad. I only had a model of what NOT to do.

There was Gina, who ALSO was a great mother of Chris. She got as far as three months along but lost it and I breathed a sigh of relief. It was crazy though. I was in my mid thirty's then and by the second month was actually looking forward to the future of being a parent.... a father.... someone's Dad. What COULD have been...... Interestingly, Gina just had her second child very recently. She always wanted another and I know she will be fine. Even though her kids are 20 years apart, she has the family she dreamed of and I so want..... tonight, I so need.....

There have been offers from outstanding ladies that I turned down because I didn't want to be just “making babies” with someone I didn't think would be there forever. The most intriguing offer came from someone that said they would give ME the baby to raise on my own. Maybe should have considered THAT one more seriously....

Anyway....

It's been a while since this bug has hit. My life has been up and down the last few years and I've been thankful that I had only ME to worry about, to take care of, to provide for. I start to think of how different things would be of I DID have responsibility for another and I can only shrug my shoulders and know THAT answer isn't coming anytime soon. Different doesn't always mean better and I am generally happy and content in the way things have worked out. I have become a MUCH better man, a better human being, and strive to be a better Dad than I would have been before, just in case....

Tomorrow is a new day and I won't feel the same as I do now. Like a pretty girl who doesn't like a “few extra pounds”, this too will pass ….............................................. …...........................................................................................................................................


Is it tomorrow yet?