Monday, December 31, 2012
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Will it be your most memorable year ever? What would it take to make THAT happen? A better job? A significant other? Getting rid of that nasty itch??
I have a few thoughts on the subject........
This will be my BEST year if I....
...find the alternate universe that one sock of the pair goes into and never returns, probably ruled by one-legged people with nice feet but lots of bruises from the stairs they have so much trouble with
...get my picture with Elvis, proving he didn't REALLY die in '77. He just wanted to get a basket of extra-crispy but made a wrong turn in Kentucky
...am able to control what I dream about. Would I EVER want to wake up????
...find out why the chicken REALLY crossed the road by being the first to communicate with a rooster named Guido. He wants ANSWERS why we don't eat more vegetables... or beef.
...use my newly-developed mind control device, enabling society to totally delete everything Kardashian ….and reality TV …. and Brussels sprouts
...am the spokesperson for a new product that makes stupid people smarter, rude people nicer, and racists jump off a tall building
...know the feeling of being a “10”, even if only for a few minutes, or hours, or days, or weeks... I would only use this power for good! Promise!
...am able to convince Oprah she REALLY doesn't need to eat that WHOLE bag of chips
...am able to write the great American novel that makes people want to be a better version of themselves. Some will have more work to do than others...
...am able to sing like Josh Groban, act like Tyrone Power, think like Confucius, and be as convincing as Clinton caught with his pants down.
...finally understand what it means to “play hard”
...meet Taylor Swift and we write a song that becomes an anthem for all the couples out there that weren't meant to be... the type of song that should NEVER be played at a wedding
...I can make you laugh...
I hope I succeeded.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!