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Sunday, February 10, 2013

THE SEX TALK


Sex.

It may excite you. It may frighten you. It may make you weak. It may make you feel strong. It may make you confident or it may make you feel inadequate.

It's made me feel all of those in the last 30 years.

The idea of sex literally scared me straight in my late teens. The first opportunity I had to lose my virginity I failed miserably. It was an early dismissal from school and my girlfriend at the time was with me. We worked together and she gave me my first European kiss. It was quite thrilling. I was so na├»ve that I didn't even know what “base” that was. She was very understanding that day. She expected something to happen and I just couldn't. I was too afraid of messing up. It would change our lives too much and we were not ready for all that. I politely said no. It wouldn't be the last time...

My adventures with intimacy started with the last girlfriend I had in high school. She also was understanding when I finally earned the right to pleasure her for the first time. Or at least try. I don't know anyone who would truly be “pleasured” in the 12 seconds we experienced the first time. It was both wonderful and horrible. For both of us! Wonderful that we shared such a historic moment (at least in MY history book!), but also the closeness we shared then and for the next three years. Horrible in the buildup of the event, somewhat like a first-round knockout in a boxing match. Very unsatisfying.

My early escapades were like a comedy show. Sex was a measurement of how someone felt towards me. If they didn't want to do it, they must not have liked me at all. I would worry so much about being liked and feeling unattractive that it made me more awful than I was for real. How did anyone stand hanging out with me??? Well, some did, and I learned a lot my first few years. I paid attention to the circumstances and the reactions of the young ladies who did me the honor of their company. I wasn't the best, biggest, fastest, or strongest, but I did care about the person I was with. And I kept learning.

Unfortunately, until I was in my 30's, I was insecure. REALLY insecure. So bad that if my girl didn't let me know just how awesome I was on a regular basis, I would think she was taking me for granted and I would leave. Stupid, I know, but that was me until around age 33. I've touched on that before, posting “The Moment” [here] in the past.

Once I found my happy place, things really changed for the better, not only for me but those hanging out with me. I was no longer needy or feeling bad about myself. It really was the best time in my life. Lots of dating, some great people and more lessons learned. Some were eye-opening.

In the past 15 years, I learned sex is a really good way to find out about a person. You don't have to ask about things if you just pay attention. You can experience first-hand if they are kind, compassionate, and confident. You will be able to tell if they are REALLY a good person or just playing one when folks are watching. You will discover how adventurous they are, how open-minded, and how they view the world just by spending some intimate moments together. It can be a VERY pleasurable way to start to unravel who this person is and what is real or imagined.

I learned that some ladies place the power of sexuality way too high. They use it like a gun to your forehead. It's really awful and for me, the beginning of the end. If someone says NO too often, it's only natural to stop asking the question. It's no fun if you imagine your lover is feeling obligated or just going through the motions. The reasons were somewhat varied, but the most common line ended up being “I don't want our relationship to be just about sex”. I agree. A REAL connection between two people DOES involve more than getting sweaty. It also involves more than AVOIDING it. If you are together and are in the mood, why not???? If all you can think of is another excuse why we SHOULDN'T express our affection, then it's obvious you don't get me very well. Time to move on....

Some ladies felt like all that was required for good sex was just an appearance. They would claim to have never heard any complaints (like a guy would ever do THAT!). When I voiced an opinion, it was usually not taken well at all. They didn't want to do anything that resembled “pleasing” or could be confused with “effort”. I found out too quickly that we were not meant to be. If you are not willing or enthusiastic, then how am I expected to be? I'm not and won't. Time to move on....

I had a few instances when the young lady got frustrated with the lack of power they had. Their past relationships had allowed them to control every aspect and they enjoyed being the boss. While I don't claim to be the CEO of my lady, I also will not be led around by my lil guy. That ended a long time ago. There's no “rockin my world” or “making my toes curl” or helping me make stupid decisions based on what you will or won't do. Sorry. Tommy all grown now....

There's been examples of young ladies actually pursuing ME, hard as THAT is to believe. I certainly found it puzzling. Hahaha. They found something interesting or cute or maybe they were closet crackheads, I don't know. I was an experiment for a few females of another race. The fact I am attracted to people different than me had nothing to do with it. They just wanted to see if there was a difference. Of course there isn't. The packaging is just not quite the same. Turn the lights off and we are. No real revelation there. Yet, packaging sometimes IS the motivation to see what is possible.

I've been under the spell of lipstick, large breasts, small breasts, light skin, dark skin, pretty eyes, petite frames, fuller figures, and different hair styles. Guilty as charged. I seem to have a wide measurement of “pretty”. But really, the outside just gets the conversation started. Or at least in most cases...

I was once used in making a dream become reality and in another as a way to regain some self-esteem after surgery. I was treated to “payback” after doing something nice for someone more than once. I felt sad for those girls. I certainly didn't expect anything just because I got her car fixed or helped her move. Is that how they have been treated in the past? Sex as a cash register is not for me.

The conversation that leads to romance obviously has no script or even logic to it. If it was easy, then we would have no social problems, right? I've had people confidently say they will NOT have sex on a first date and at the end of the night, guess where we were? NOT at the library....

I found out the best thing I could do was to be myself and not focus on a goal or motive. If things went well, we would have a good time. It may or may not involve getting undressed. It wouldn't matter. If they wanted to, and I felt they were worthy, I was all in. if not, no problem. It was that easy.

I've waited weeks to be involved and also waited minutes, the difference in the grand scheme of things was not much. I will always argue that if we get married and eventually celebrate 50 years together, we won't even REMEMBER waiting to have sex. I doubt it has a bearing all by itself. Unfortunately, it DOES represent OTHER issues that a person may or may not have.

I was with ladies that sobbed after having orgasms and also with ones that had none. I had a friend ask out loud why she waited so long to get with me, and I have had others probably wish they didn't at all. What's the difference? It certainly wasn't me. I was the same guy with everyone. The difference was THEM. The ladies have all the power in the bedroom. You can make it memorable or forgettable. It all happens in your mind and how you view us guys. If you are attracted by something other than a cute butt or big feet, it has a better chance of being special. It doesn't involve acrobatics or marathons. It does matter that your attraction is based on something real. Delusional qualities usually earn you artificial pleasure. Or none. It's all up to you...

My most memorable times were not just good ones. There were some that just made me shake my head. Like the time I had a husband call me about his wife. She had been open about her situation and we were attracted. After we had spent some time together, she must have wanted to get caught. She was successful. I wonder if she is still with him.... I'll admit the times I have experienced with married women made me think twice about who is being honest in a relationship and who isn't. It also makes me look closer at marriage and the possibility of staying single for the foreseeable future!

There was also my time with multiple partners. We all have an image of how things will be and most of the time, reality falls far short. Just like the first Batman movie.... but NOT this time! What a beautiful and memorable night I spent with my girl and her girlfriend. We all were open-minded and free spirits, so it was easy to enjoy each other. I made sure my GF wasn't neglected and she made sure I wasn't. Good times. Far beyond my wildest dreams....

My wildest dreams couldn't have prepared me for one young lady I got to know. She was, by definition, a true bitch to most people. She seemed angry and unhappy, but I like strong personalities, even if they are damaged. She certainly was! The funny thing was, when we spent time together, the bitchy person didn't show up. All that was left was a nice girl who would do anything to snuggle up... and more. She offered to clean my house more than once! How funny is that? It was like she was a different person.

Religion had a place in my experiences and I must say, it isn't a good one. It had an affect on one person I knew since high school. It stood in the way of her actually living a full life, sexual or not. She had been celibate for many years, yet when we were together, there was nothing but fire burning around us. She felt guilty after our time together was over, but while it was going on, she was a tiger! It's a shame she couldn't resolve that aspect of her beliefs. She was cool to be around, even the time we got caught fooling around in the parking lot of a local mall. Hahahaha In our 40's and needing security to be called. How funny....

The guilt over enjoying sex sometimes gets in the way. On more than one occasion, the relationship ended because they felt wrong enjoying themselves. I could never figure THAT one out. Add that to the list of things I don’t understand. It's a long one!

I was invited to a swinger's party once and was surprised I enjoyed the atmosphere. Total uninhibited fun. It was like being in an adult film only no cameras were around. It made me realize I truly enjoy people with few boundaries.

The ladies I have had the pleasure of knowing have been all shapes, sizes, colors, and ages. There isn't anything one type has over the other. They all have issues as do I. We all have something that our partners have to deal with. The hard part is finding the right fit. If you enjoy a certain thing sexually and don't get it from your special someone, do you REALLY think you will be able to just not do it anymore? Most guys I knew who complained said their wives didn't do oral sex anymore. They may have enjoyed it while they were unmarried, but something changed. I don't understand that concept. The longer I was in a relationship, the more special it felt and the more I wanted to please her.

Like most guys, I want to do whatever my lady needs to be completely satisfied. If that means dressing in her clothes, then maybe I picked the wrong one! Even I have my limits! In normal circumstances, it doesn't take much to make your significant other feel like a queen. If it's real it will come through with very little effort. It should matter that she enjoys intimacy with her snuggle buddy. If you make every time HER time, she will say no a whole lot less I bet.... and vice versa.

IF you pick the right one! How high are YOUR standards????


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2 comments:

  1. Wow reading this section has opened my eyes to a few of my on standards.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have a few questions for the author of the sex talk. Do you worry about STDs? If what you say is the truth, isn't there any boundaries for you. You spoke about being with swingers, a threesome, etc. And it sounds like you put a lot of emphasis on what you like sexually. So if your partner isn't interested in everything that you prefer, sounds like you would walk away. Sounds like you have been with many women and still can't find the right one. Maybe bachelorhood is your preference. Maybe you love to hate women. Only you could answer these questions.

    ReplyDelete

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