Saturday, May 17, 2014
49 and NOT holding...
Many nights I have sat down with pen and paper, but no words spilled out. No reminders of happy days, no sad tears about anything or anyone, no comments on life going by. Nothing. I have no idea why. It happens from time to time, and is usually accompanied by a lot of alone-time, many buckets of chocolate ice cream, an attempt to focus on someone other than me, and apathy towards the things I used to feel a lil something about. It's not FUN but it's not depressing either.
After many, many years of dealing with these ups and downs, I have grown to accept the roller coaster ride I call my life and appreciate the mystery of it all without the aid of medication.
I am: happy (more or less), busy, feeling good about my contribution to society, and looking forward to the future of new challenges and opportunities to help, and truly enjoyed NOT seeing the Steelers in the playoffs!
I am NOT: in a relationship, increasing my “friends” circle, content about my work, eating brussel sprouts, or keeping my car very clean.
What have I been doing since last August? Not vacationing ANYWHERE.... working in four states and racking up the miles on the diesel!.... LOVING every new episode of Sleepy Hollow and Brooklyn 99.... NOT keeping facial hair.... watching as a “few extra pounds” turned into a few DOZEN extra pounds.... wondering why anyone cares about ANYTHING Beiber.... reading (biographies mostly).... watching the complete “Friends” series beginning to end.... cutting expenses (goodbye cable, internet, and dating – unless you include Lynn).... still trying to inspire people at work and STILL failing.... still playing the lottery, but dreaming less.... volunteering.... changing my pen preference yet again.... still regretting my car choice but enjoying it for what it is.... still loving my bubble baths.... NOT loving snow.... buying new socks.... not forming complete sentences....
Interestingly, 50 is NOT looming as a dark, ominous milestone. I see that I am older but wiser, compassionator, a better spellorer, and more content in who I am at 49 than I was at 39 or 29. I know my place in the world, though it's not where I hoped I would be.
A space-scientist, not so much.
A gym-rat that loves looking in the mirror? Never that! Hahaha
I AM more accepting of the “end” and enjoying the journey there. I have no real fears, emotions flow freely, I still learn from my mistakes, I still have lows but they are not the crushing, destructive kind. Experience has taught me to not keep turning left when “right” is right.
In other words, all is well in case you were wondering....