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Friday, August 29, 2014

My Obit

I don't want to sound morbid or anything, but I'm sure when you were leafing throught the paper at some point you wondered what your obituary would read like. There are some things you wouldn't know (thank goodness!) like when you passed and what the cause was, and the fact your drunken Uncle Jesse outlived you after all. 

There are some things you WOULD know. Family you would leave behind is listed as well as if/where you worked will be included. Your hometown, what school you went to and the hobbies and/or organizations you participated in will all be in your final headline. I think it should go deeper.

The obits you read in the paper today all seem so generic and cold. Life is not like that at all. Shouldn't it be a celebration of a life led and not just a list of facts and figures?

Thomas William Welcomer, 147, of the 3rd Mars Province, passed away, Friday, August 8, 2111, at Acme Hospital, Hardware, & Plumbing.
Born June, 1964 in PA-Earth, he was the son of a late absentee father and survived by his Mother and many relatives from various planets, but we could get none that claimed to remember him. When asked about any children, laughter ensued and CPR was performed on a few elderly cousins.

He was allegedly a 1982 graduate of the former Middletown Area High School, now the Larry The Cable Guy School for Gud Lernin. Although his grades would indicate he didn't apply himself, he was known for being punctual and semi-conscious. He was not a member of any known church, but was quoted once as "believing in something".

He was the Founder and only living member of the Kathy Griffin Fan Club, where he religiously sent out requests for a locket of her hair, only to be rejected, even decades after her passing. “She obviously has no sense of humor” Tom was quoted as saying as he was released from the Jack Nicholson Insanity Store, following a 6 month stay. Cloning celebrities, unlike today, was deemed legal during this time, but Griffin was considered an un-celebrity and did not qualify. It was rumored she was relieved and dating a much younger man.

As a youngster, Tom dreamed of flying to the moon, but was later, accidentally shipped to Mars in a package delivery mix-up. Representatives from Federal Ups-Express had no comment. There is no word on why Tom had been bubble-wrapped and sent to the distribution center.

Tom's life changed dramatically, when the former superfoot-model was afflicted with a rare fungus that aged his priceless appendages beyond recognition. It was rumored he caught this disease while walking on a former beach in Atlantic City, New Jersey. 

This area, now 10 feet underwater, used to be a haven for foot models worldwide that wanted to escape the rabid fans and paparazzi of the era. You may remember the cause of the rising water, long-reported to be global warming, was ultimately discovered to be a neighborhood in the Garden District of New Orleans that had left their faucets running.

Tom had no Obamacare credits left after his bout with scurvy and had to turn to the kindness of strangers for rehabilitation. He had to relearn everything involved with his now-grotesque shoe-fillers at the Home for Disfigured Footsters. This Non-Profit agency closed soon after, reportedly due to a toenail fungus scandal.

Tom had been an early investor in the platform sneaker revival, but lost it all when the fad went bust two hours later.

Services were be held at Jimmies Hot Dog Stand, where both people in line received a coupon for half-off a kids drink.

Virtual Interment was handled at the Purina Dog Food, Paintball, and Burial Services, Inc

Online condolences may be expressed, but seriously, he was 147... what's left to say?

In lieu of flowers or Popsicle sticks, donations can be sent to the Make A Sock Foundation, an organization near and dear to Tom's heart.

 



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