He was allegedly a 1982 graduate of the former Middletown Area High School, now the Larry The Cable Guy School for Gud Lernin. Although his grades would indicate he didn't apply himself, he was known for being punctual and semi-conscious. He was not a member of any known church, but was quoted once as "believing in something".
He was the Founder and only living member of the Kathy Griffin Fan Club, where he religiously sent out requests for a locket of her hair, only to be rejected, even decades after her passing. “She obviously has no sense of humor” Tom was quoted as saying as he was released from the Jack Nicholson Insanity Store, following a 6 month stay. Cloning celebrities, unlike today, was deemed legal during this time, but Griffin was considered an un-celebrity and did not qualify. It was rumored she was relieved and dating a much younger man.
This area, now 10 feet underwater, used to be a haven for foot models worldwide that wanted to escape the rabid fans and paparazzi of the era. You may remember the cause of the rising water, long-reported to be global warming, was ultimately discovered to be a neighborhood in the Garden District of New Orleans that had left their faucets running.
Tom had no Obamacare credits left after his bout with scurvy and had to turn to the kindness of strangers for rehabilitation. He had to relearn everything involved with his now-grotesque shoe-fillers at the Home for Disfigured Footsters. This Non-Profit agency closed soon after, reportedly due to a toenail fungus scandal.
Tom had been an early investor in the platform sneaker revival, but lost it all when the fad went bust two hours later.
Services were be held at Jimmies Hot Dog Stand, where both people in line received a coupon for half-off a kids drink.
Virtual Interment was handled at the Purina Dog Food, Paintball, and Burial Services, Inc
Online condolences may be expressed, but seriously, he was 147... what's left to say?