Monday, April 20, 2009
THAT NOT-SO-MAGICAL MOMENT...
I wasn't working for a while and was running out of money. I never thought I would be in this bad of shape as I had made plenty in the years before, but only saved some. You know - you have to LIVE a little!!!!! I was single and for those of you who don't know - the single life is E-X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E. I dated a lot and had my fun. The stories are priceless, but they don't pay the bills and mine were piling up. I had no income, rent was going to be due in a few days, no prospects, and hope was draining from my soul.
I had always tried to stay positive as I knew my life was better than most. No complaints. I had been in the DC area for three years and it was ok, if not a bit solitary. One of the things I noticed in the big cities is the way people seem to be so disposable. I guess that makes sense when there are so many in a large metropolitan area. No reason to invest much in anyone when you have a replacement standing by. So it gets lonely sometimes, especially when times are tough. You don't think the same and it can get dangerous.
I had a moment when I was walking around the neighborhood, that everything was crystal clear. I was going to take what little money I had and drive to California, as I had never been there before. Just leave. Don't take anything with me, don't call anyone, leave the cell phone and all my things behind. Just drive. Get to the Pacific, smell the ocean, get back in the car, drive to the desert, and go for a walk that I did not plan on returning from. It made so much sense. It would keep me from dealing with my problems and pain and loneliness. The perfect answer..... except for the sanity part! It was at that moment, when I didn't have anywhere to turn, when I had no hope, no answers, that I woke up and said to myself - "self, get over it and DO something about it!" It was not like me to go down in defeat without a fight and I haven't even begun.
In contemplating this plan and the unanimous rejection of it, I saw how folks can get so down they think they have no options. I understood how rational things SEEM, yet no one else would agree. I wish everyone would be able to sink so low that despair only happened on a good day, if only for a moment.
It's only then you can be TRULY thankful for what you have, even if it's only the air in your lungs. Things can be replaced, careers can start over, relationships can begin anew, but dreams go for a lifetime and I realized that I had way too many to look forward to to stop now.
My dreams are there for me stronger than ever. They get me through the times when clouds seem to hang around a little too long. I am reminded of that day when insanity ruled - and my victory over it....