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Friday, July 24, 2009

Ciera

I was in a funk. My last love was not working out like I hoped and I was in financial ruin because of it.

This, of course, is a recipe for depression. It is so easy to sink into despair that it takes real effort to hang on.

My life has been dominated by being alone. When I travel, most times, it's alone. When I do most things it is alone. This is a choice, so don't feel too bad. When I was young, alone-time was all I had so it became comfortable. It was when I discovered girls that it became unbearable.

Through a lot of heartache and soul searching I found my happy place and I haven't looked back. Companionship is always welcome but not at a cost. If someone doesn't add positive energy to the relationship, then it's just not worth it.

Anyway, despite all my efforts, I was at a very low point in my life when I met Ciera. I didn't feel good about me or what I could give to any relationship. I've always felt my role was that of provider and at this time, I could barely provide for myself. I couldn't afford to date, much less wine and dine someone I really liked. I know, I know, providing is only a PART of my role, but it was one I enjoyed. I would have to adjust to doing otherwise.

I was resigned to taking a break from all that and stay home. It's not so bad once you make that decision. Women make it all the time. Doesn’t make them smarter or more mature, or anything – just able to put themselves on the back-burner for a minute. We men could do well to learn about this….
Seems like if you don't pay much attention and you don't know what you may have missed.

Until I walked into Safeway that fateful day...

She was walking down an aisle and I was stunned. "Beautiful" was all I could think. The closer I got to her though, the more years peeled away! When I finally stood next to her and said hi, I thought she must be only 15 or so. Still beautiful, but now in a different way.

It obviously didn't stop me from looking for her every time I went to the store. I was disappointed when I didn't see her. I made excuses to go get something I may or may not have needed. Yes, sometimes I felt like a teenager but her smile just made my day. Didn't matter how young or old she was because I wouldn't be asking her out anyway.....

A couple months went by as we would exchange a few words and I would be on my way. Never had a long conversation and never gave her much of an idea I thought she was anything more than cute. I knew she had a fan club that made a big deal about her. Like it or not, even if she was older, I would stand no chance against the pretty boys that get the girls all giggly.

It stayed much the same for about three months until one day we talked more than usual. I found out a few things that changed my life - one was her age was older than I thought at 21 and the other was she was having man trouble. It sparked something that had been dormant for years.

Interest.

Real honest to goodness excitement about someone. It felt like my soul was recharged. Crawling out of my darkness to see the light. I couldn't wait to see her again. I went back again and again but no luck.

As fast as I got glad, I got sad. She was off to Florida and I just knew she would be gone from my life. The weeks went by sooooooo slowly. When I finally saw her again it was like I was walking on air, but with your stomach all tied up in knots.........

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