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Thursday, April 2, 2009

VANESSA

well, a very surprising thing happened that was a blast from the past. Let me explain...

I had this girl (let's call her Vanessa, since that's her name) and I thought at the time, she was the most beautiful, most dazzling woman I ever spent time with. There was a moment when we were together that I can point to that life seemed "perfect". I was where I was meant to be. I was never a big believer in fate or anything that said someone else was in control of my life, but this seemed so right, and of course, no one EVER had such a great match...

When I first cast my eyes on this young lady, I told my friends at the office I just saw the prettiest girl in Philly. Gorgeous. It took months to see her again, but I kept trying to run into her (she was a neighbor in an apartment complex) and eventually succeeded. It took more months to try and spend some time with her, but I kept at it and I eventually succeeded. It took more months to try and convince her I wasn't the devil and we should be together. It wasn't long until she admitted she loved me (first lie). I was in heaven! I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. I had been in love before ( I was about 38 at this time - YES I KNOW, most people have this happen at a much younger age, but I'm thick-headed, slow-learning, and blond!) and this felt so much more than just the normal goo-goo eyed love of before. It MUST be real, right? She even admitted that she would marry me (2nd lie) when we were on a weekend getaway. It's a wonder I didn't make arrangements on the spot! I am known for being a bit spontaneous, but I figured I had time and we would tie the knot soon enough.
Then reality happened.... (this is the part where Sam Kinison would yell "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!)
It was on the same weekend that she started pulling back. Maybe she realized she was making a mistake or maybe she just didn't want to be in a relationship at that time. I don't know about you, but folks who say that really mean that they don't want one with YOU. Anyway, I kept the faith that she would come around and join me again in bliss. The weeks that went by turned me into someone I didn't like or want to be around. My happiness that others had seen from a distance was gone. What stared back at me in the mirror was a confused, depressed, almost angry man that wanted to wake up and have this all be a bad dream. Maybe if I had been on meth or something....
I eventually moved away. Not too far that we couldn't see each other (which didn't happen) and I was still hoping "together" was still in our vocabulary. I missed the kids, who seemed like my own. There would be times when it seemed like a reunion was coming, but mostly there was deafening silence. If only my vision was 20/20. Friends told me that she wasn't good enough for me, but what did THEY know? They didn't see her like I did! Sound familiar? I will call this the "STUPID" time in my life where I lost my favorite car ( I gave it to her when hers broke down), I left a great friendship that was leading to more, and I suddenly didn't care about much. The empty hole where emotions used to live was spreading. When I sat down and looked at this like it was someone on Jerry Springer and not me, it was easy - GET OVER IT! Easy, right? Of course if you ever lived through this type of hell, you know it's not. Logic gets tossed out of the equation and is replaced with a retarded, nonsensical blubbery that overpowers all attempts to cure it. Yes, blubbery...
Anyway, fast forward a few years and my mind wanders to V and I wonder if she is on MySpace or something. I do a search and find - her wedding pictures. Hmmmmmmmmmm
It was surprising that I wasn't bothered too much. Maybe time healed (somewhat) or logic prevailed, I don't know, but it made me think more about her and how many times she must have lied to me. Why should it matter? What would I gain by knowing one way or another? All good questions, but none changed my mind - I was going to ask her what was up.
In the past, I would write these long emails (no, not hundreds... just a few. I'm not THAT guy) telling her how I felt and hoped she would respond. Yea, she would, with about three words. Always a disappointment. Didn't keep me from trying again weeks or months later (remember I am thick-headed) and getting the same results. Slowly this made me a bit numb and allowed me to start thinking of moving on.
Anyway..........
She must have thought I wanted to dredge up why she wasn't with me, because when she did respond, it was with a whole paragraph! Wow. The gist of it was her saying the same things she always did (thanx for the car, blah, blah, blah) and that she had done what she said she would do (umpteenth lie) and that she hoped I was as happy as she was. Hmmmmmm.
I couldn't think of any way to respond that wouldn't make me sound like an unhappy camper or a future serial killer, so I didn't write back. It wasn't the answer I was looking for, but she said enough to (maybe) allow me to forget what could have been and finally see the positive of this relationship. That I could put up with dishonesty, destroyed credit, broken heart, and athlete's foot (probably not her fault but I'm blaming her anyway!) and NOT commit a homicide shows me I am stronger than I thought. The fact I didn't choke her when she stuck me with a car note I couldn't afford. The fact that I waited years to give her back my heart but never got the opportunity. These were all choices on my part and I have accepted that.
What's the moral of the story - heck if I know. Ask Dr Phil...........
I'll just keep trying to find someone who fits my life and not settle for less than "real good". "Perfect" is a symptom of STUPID!

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