Funeral

I'm attending the funeral of a man I barely knew. I usually don't go to these functions because I don't need a final goodbye, closure, or a free lunch.

This one was different as it was my biological father.

I can't really call him Dad, Father, or even friend as he chose to exclude me from his life. It's a common story these days, as the number of deadbeat dads seems to increase daily.

I came to the conclusion years ago that his decision wasn't going to affect me. I had my Mom, friends, and other family to call my own.

There was a time when I was very young I didn't understand why he didn't want me around, why family reunions didn't invite me, and why we couldn't go visit my cousins I enjoyed so much.

I'm sure it affected me some, but not for long. I talked to Mom about it but she refused to throw him under the bus. She always said her wish would have been for me and him to be closer. I finally just said to myself, "self.... If he's not in your life, then make the best of it". There is no hate or animosity towards him, even as I sit thru the service, listening to how wonderful of a human being he was to so many. His daughters he had later and the family he had married into looked at him much differently than I ever could. Co-workers called him loyal, loving, smiling, dedicated.... All words I could not use.

He's only someone I recognize in pictures.

Memories of him are few and far between, clouded by what I know he did to mom and other wives he had.

I've said for years that I'm a better person BECAUSE he was absent. I like the way I turned out, and he would have only made me less than I am.

That's why there are no "What if's", no "if onlys", no "What could have beens", no tears, no heartbreak, nothing.

I'm glad he seemed to be way different than I know, glad people looked to him as a positive person, glad he seemed happy.

The worst possible thing I can imagine is to lead a life that offers nothing to be proud of, no happy memories in people's minds, no joy that is shared.

I have nothing bad to say.... Unfortunately I have nothing good to say either.