Labels

12000 (1) 2013 (2) 2014 (2) 2016 (2) 2017 (11) 25000 (1) 30000 (1) 50 (1) 911 (2) ABOUT TIME (2) absentee fathers (2) action (30) adversity (13) advertising (2) age 48 (2) america (8) anger (6) apple (1) baby (1) backup (3) balance (2) BASEBALL HALL OF FAME (1) BEST MAN (1) BEST MAN HOLIDAY (1) birth (1) birthday (5) BMW (1) BOSS Mustang (5) breakups (8) breathing (2) bullies (5) Carol Clark Williams (1) cars (7) celebrity (10) child (3) children (8) choices (78) Christmas (2) class (4) class reunions (3) compassion (19) contacts (1) COOPERSTOWN (1) creating (6) CROSS COUNTRY (1) dating (28) decisions (37) depression (13) DICK VITALE (1) disappointment (2) DISPOSABLE (1) diva (1) Dogstar Books (1) dreams (37) driving (5) DUKE (1) Earl Boykins (1) ELECTION 2016 (1) ELVIS (3) ENTERTAINMENT (4) ESPN (1) events (1) ex-girl (15) facebook (1) FAILURE (6) FAITH (4) fallen heroes (9) family (20) fatherhood (10) fathers day (3) FEAR (1) FINDING YOUR ROOTS (1) football (1) friends (9) FRIENDSHIP (15) funerals (5) GEORGE TAKEI (1) giving (15) GOALS (2) GOODWILL (1) google+ (1) government (2) GROUNDHOG DAY (1) GUNS (1) happiness (9) Harrisburg Pa area (2) hate (3) HEALING (1) heartbreak (17) HELL (1) helping (28) HEROES (1) HISTORY (1) Honda (2) hope (50) hopelessness (10) humane society harrisburg area (2) humanity (42) humble (8) humor (5) INSPIRATION (1) integrity (4) internet dating (6) JIM VALVANO (1) job (8) job satisfaction (9) joy (19) KARMA (3) KATHY GRIFFIN (1) laundry (1) Lebron James (1) Library (1) life (48) LIFE INSURANCE (1) Lincoln (2) living (47) Long Island Medium (1) loss (18) lottery (6) love (42) marriage (2) MARTIN LUTHER KING (1) Mary Saladna (1) masturbation (1) MEMORIAL DAY (1) Michelle Obama (1) MIDDLETOWN (4) Midtown Scholar Bookstore (1) MOM (16) moments (19) MONEY (1) MOTHERS (1) MOTORCYCLES (1) movies (6) MR PRESIDENT (1) NCIS (2) new years (1) OBAMA (1) Olympics 2012 (1) online dating (5) opportunity (30) parent (10) PAUL WALKER (1) people (40) perception (36) perspective (45) pets (2) poetry (43) POLITICS (2) positive thinking (17) POWERBALL (2) pride (9) purpose (2) quality time (6) racism (7) rain (1) reading (2) red lights (1) regret (12) relationships (51) reminiscing (30) resignation (10) responsibility (22) RICHARD MATHESON (1) RIGHT KIND OF WRONG (1) ROBERT REDFORD (1) ROBIN WILLIAMS (1) romance (40) roommates (1) sacrifice (12) SCHOOL (1) seinfeld (1) self-examination (58) SEX (3) smoking (1) SOCIAL MEDIA (1) SOTU (1) sports (6) STACEY DASH (1) STAR TREK (2) starting (3) Steve Jobs (1) STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON (1) Stuart Scott (1) stupid rules (1) superpowers (2) Taboo (1) TAYLOR SWIFT (4) teenagers (2) TESLA (1) thankful (18) tIGER wOODS (1) tim tebow (1) time (4) tire kingdom (2) toenail fungus (1) tough love (4) TRIUMPH (1) TV (1) twitter (2) underdogs (1) utopia (3) V-FOUNDATION (1) VALENTINES DAY (1) vince lombardi (2) volunteering (2) VW (1) wedding (2) weird (1) WILD ANIMALS (1) winning (5) women (30) work (11) writers critique (3) writing (30)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Funeral

I'm attending the funeral of a man I barely knew. I usually don't go to these functions because I don't need a final goodbye, closure, or a free lunch.

This one was different as it was my biological father.

I can't really call him Dad, Father, or even friend as he chose to exclude me from his life. It's a common story these days, as the number of deadbeat dads seems to increase daily.

I came to the conclusion years ago that his decision wasn't going to affect me. I had my Mom, friends, and other family to call my own.

There was a time when I was very young I didn't understand why he didn't want me around, why family reunions didn't invite me, and why we couldn't go visit my cousins I enjoyed so much.

I'm sure it affected me some, but not for long. I talked to Mom about it but she refused to throw him under the bus. She always said her wish would have been for me and him to be closer. I finally just said to myself, "self.... If he's not in your life, then make the best of it". There is no hate or animosity towards him, even as I sit thru the service, listening to how wonderful of a human being he was to so many. His daughters he had later and the family he had married into looked at him much differently than I ever could. Co-workers called him loyal, loving, smiling, dedicated.... All words I could not use.

He's only someone I recognize in pictures.

Memories of him are few and far between, clouded by what I know he did to mom and other wives he had.

I've said for years that I'm a better person BECAUSE he was absent. I like the way I turned out, and he would have only made me less than I am.

That's why there are no "What if's", no "if onlys", no "What could have beens", no tears, no heartbreak, nothing.

I'm glad he seemed to be way different than I know, glad people looked to him as a positive person, glad he seemed happy.

The worst possible thing I can imagine is to lead a life that offers nothing to be proud of, no happy memories in people's minds, no joy that is shared.

I have nothing bad to say.... Unfortunately I have nothing good to say either.

No comments:

Post a Comment

please add whatever is on your mind after reading this!