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Saturday, May 8, 2010

Who am i kidding???????

I spoke to Vanessa today. It was very unexpected, but I must admit, it made my day brighter.

I have to remind myself this is the same woman that changed the course of my life. She let me see how good things could be, then tore it all away. She is the cause for my highest highs, and my lowest lows.

And yet......

I told her "I hate to admit... I'll always and forever be in love with you V... forever"

What is wrong with me?

I was saddened to hear that she is not happily married. My version of the perfect life has ALWAYS included marrying Vanessa. To have and to hold, till death do us part, nothing would have made me happier than becoming Mr & Mrs. To wake up every morning to her would be better than winning the lottery.

I told her I saw pictures of her family and I've laughed at the fact her husband isn't wearing a smile In ANY of them. The reality is, it ripped what was left of my heart to shreds knowing it was not me she would say her vows to.

When I saw her pictures of being pregnant, I told her I was hurt briefly. How funny is that? What I should have told her was the truth.... All hope was lost.

In all my crazy thoughts, I always believed one day she would realize I was a perfect fit for her and she would finally be mine. She would be happier than she could ever dream and the smile of knowing my love would never leave her face. It was all gone when I saw she was living my dream without me. Someone else was doing the things I fantasized about.... Spending time with the kids, helping her be more successful in her professional life, and mostly, just giving my love and life to the family I wanted, I needed, the one I would die for.

I wanted to die....

But I knew that lacked courage. The easy way out. I've never taken that path! I had to do better.

So I tried to move on. I dated, I mingled, I kept busy and tried to convince myself I was "over it" but.....

I know I never will.

She asked me if I was still upset with her.... I told her " It makes me a little sad knowing you aren't as happy as I wanted to make you. My picture of us was very different than you imagined...."

"I've said many times you were the love of my life.... I just wish I would have been the love of yours...."

All she could say was, "Im sure and I now realize. :-( "

That's all it took to erase the pain. A few words to awaken the soul that was wounded so long ago...

What Is wrong with me?

I'm hopelessly in love with a woman that doesn't feel the same... Has never felt the same.... Will never feel the same.

It would make a lousy movie

2 comments:

  1. Things that make you go "hmmmmm". If your feelings are as genuine as you sound, "V" missed out. Just know, you are love...and in time, you will be with someone who knows that. Peace,
    c

    ReplyDelete
  2. as I read this again months later, I think, what a loser.... but at least I played in the game and didn't just watch form the bleachers...

    ReplyDelete

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