finally ready to post...

Ive written many words since the last time I posted here. Things happen and I try to capture the moment, but most aren't all that entertaining to read. How much interest can there be in picking the wrong bread or cutting your toenails? I'll let that to Facebook status updates.... I know when I write about things that don't move me, I am not talented enough or interested enough to make it fun.

But I'll keep trying, just not THIS time. I'm not wallowing in my misery, mostly because I don't wallow and I'm not miserable. I AM unhappy..... for what seems a LOOOONG time..... is that the end in sight or a bill collector???

The obvious first questions that come up are what's wrong? Why such a long time? If reincarnation exists and you come back as a chicken, how would you feel?

Anyway....

when I ask these kinds of questions to myself (not out loud or THAT would mean I have a whole OTHER set of issues, most likely requiring medication and a rather tight-fitting jacket) I wonder why, when I have had so much joy in my life, I'm now older and wiser and more practical, why am I less-than exuberant and less excited to do something about it?? I explain to myself (again, not out loud.... most of the time) that it's OK, it's not forever, it's a choice, I've got porn, I'm not wasting money, blah blah blah

It dawned on me this morning, after falling asleep to Titanic and a very good friend offering to cheer me up and me not wanting to drag her down with me....

I miss having love in my life.

Not the love of a new car or a puppy or even of a friend, but of that special someone who makes your world a better place. They brighten up a dark day, they lift your spirits with just a smile or call. They can put you in heaven with just a touch. Someone you love that loves you back. It's magical when it starts, crushing when it ends, comforting in between and essential to having a full and happy lifetime. I can't imagine living without that kind of passion but here I am... passionless in everything.

I laughed at a co-worker who made a statement that I try too hard to make things happen. She's obviously NOT a man!

AS a man, I realize my role in the game - we are expected to be the aggressor, the chasers, the ones that try and convince you to give us a chance at breaking your heart down the road... or not. Unless of course you were like David Beckham who doesn't have to do anything to get attention.... except take his shirt off.... I AM realistic to know that I'm just a normal schmo who will not motivate a woman to start a conversation based on my looks. It's ok that I'm not extraordinary on the outside. I'm ok with that.

So I've been trying to make some attempt at filling this void but (mostly) failing miserably. the one shining bright spot has been Erica. She is someone I've known for around 7 years and has always been stunning to me in a lot of ways. She is a nice, happy, respectable, and attractive young (but not TOO) lady. While there is pretty everywhere, nice females all around, plenty of respectable women, there is only one EP, and I wanted her to be mine from almost the moment we met. Of course, there was the small matter of her being married, having a faith that stood in the way, and the fact she wasn't attracted to ME that all contributed to my total lack of success in romancing her.

She recently came back in my life (thanx Facebook!) after 5 years of wondering what was happening with her. She came back with a new attitude, new appreciation of me, and a new marital status! She's single and open to the idea of exploring "us" and see if she can spell it with letters other than H-E-L-L-N-O....

We are one date in (the moment I saw her all the old feelings came back like 1850 days had not passed by) and I have no idea what will or won't happen. I have no expectations, no pressure, no unrealistic standards that need met and no unexplainable rashes. I just enjoy her company and want to find out all I do NOT know about this amazing lady. Oh yea, AND convince her that life would be MUCH happier with ME in it than not.... We are 100 miles apart but that's just a walk down the street if you are with someone who puts the cherry on your sundae. Wish me luck

The past decade or so of single life has taught me to prepare for the worst and for the most part, there hasn't been many disappointments... lately. Squashed hopes, maybe, but no defeated spirits.

But also, no love in return....lately

I guess that's why I'm going to spend the next couple days watching romance movies, eating too much, shedding a tear or two, and mostly, just overdosing on my sappiness. It's what I do when this feeling comes around and I'm convinced I do it to be "feeling" something, wonderful, romantic, and with a happy ending. Through it all, I know my happy ending is coming soon - and NO I'm not PAYING for one!@!!@#$

pervert........