EPIPHANY

EPIPHANY: a sudden realization or comprehension of the larger essence or meaning of something

Yea... I had one of THOSE recently about someone who had inspired me to write... before and now.

She was one of the few regrets in my life.... One that got away.... One that, if I had acted a bit different, maybe we would still be together. Even years later.... Even now....

Let me tell you about it, since I can't seem to keep much to myself.....

We met online. We will call her Katherine because her name is Katherine. Of course, I was not expecting much when we met. Why would she stand out from all the other people? A 1000 years ago (it SEEMS that long!) I used to get all excited and worked up to meet a young lady, but crushed hopes and squashed expectations have finally worn me down to reality. It actually is BETTER now because it is easier to be ME, and THAT is who you want your date to be with right??? Maybe it's that, many times I've found great people and wanted to spend more time with them, but they didn't feel the same. Maybe it's the years of being single. Maybe I'm just becoming an old poop...

Don't get me wrong, I still have great hopes, but my feet are planted firmly on the ground and the pulse does not quicken at the prospects of a first date.

Anyway..........

My first date with Katherine was at Carrabba's. To say it was much nicer than I expected would not do it justice. Her smile made me crumble, her conversation made me think, and it took me no time at all to know I wanted to spend more time with this amazing lady. Even the WATER tasted better!

We saw each other more, but I always got the feeling that she wasn't really into me like I was beginning to feel about her. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR............. Here I go again! One of the last times we spent was a nice picnic and a drive in her convertible. I was even more convinced that I wanted to be a part of her life...

…. and she was just as convinced that I shouldn't.

She was gone.

Fast forward a year or so....

From out of nowhere (OK, maybe all the telepathic messages I sent her FINALLY registered!) she wanted to see me again. I was sooooooooooooo happy. Despite all the time that had passed, all the old feelings came back quickly. Going against all my regular reactions, I was smitten, still.

We saw each other more but this time things were different. I felt actual romance, much more sensual, and more personal. She was beginning to see what I had been telling her all along – I was a great match for her! I took a vote and it was unanimous! (full disclosure – I was the only one who actually voted)

I was not in a rush to intimacy, but in these later years, I don't actually think too much about THAT. If the time is right, it happens. When is the time right? When both of the people involved WANT to. No time tables, no schedules, no secret incantations, no cash changing hands! Everything seemed natural and headed to something more than just a good time...

Valentine's day was fast approaching and we were planning to spend it together. What would we do??? I was soooooo out of practice! I figured we would go to a nice place to eat and have our usual great time and I could get through one of these days without something awful happening. My past is littered with Valentines gone wrong, relationships ending, and not in a lets-stay-friends kind of way. It surprises me that as corny as I am about that special someone in my life, this particular holiday does not fill my mind with fond memories.

Going out with Katherine on this night, unbeknownst to her, was a big deal and a sign that we were going where I was hoping all along – to be more than dating. I wanted her to be more.. She was (and is) fantastic. It had been years since Ciera and my life had definitely felt somewhat empty. I had always said I was open to all the great things having a significant other brings and I would NOT miss being single at all...

Anyway....

I did the unusual (for me) and I got a few things for someone NOT my girlfriend on this day. I didn't splurge or anything, just a bottle of wine that she liked and a dozen pink roses (yes, those in the picture), plus I wrote two poems that I had come spilling out of me just for HER, just for this moment, just because she had touched me deeply. (see “With You” and “You Came Back”). It seemed everything was perfect........

She had other plans.

When I got to her house, I was stunned by her big smile and the fact she made it clear we were staying IN tonight... Oh my....

She was happy, a fact she couldn't hide if she tried. She looked so beautiful in an elegant dress that made her curves just a bit curvier and making me feel like I was the only man on earth. Either she cared as deeply as I did or she was a serial killer that was luring me in.

Either way, I was falling...

I found out why she was giddy. She had a personal chef come to her home and prepare a multiple-course meal and her only instructions were that every food was to be an aphrodisiac.

Oh my........

She had a bar in the basement and took me down there to fix some chocolate martinis. She knew I had a weakness for chocolate and NOT just in my choice of dates! They were so tasty. This was going to be a night I would never forget...

Everything the chef brought out was heavenly. Even the things I normally think are better meant for the compost pile were making my taste buds dance with delight. It seemed the food-parade would never end, and with the way it tasted, we didn't WANT it to! I was overwhelmed. And full.

My normal routine for this holiday was to make it uneventful. A normal day. Probably would have made a box of mac n cheese and if I was living dangerously, might have added some tuna or chopped onions. This was much more satisfying!

And so much more to look forward to....

Like I said, there was no rush to intimacy. I enjoyed our hugs and kisses more and more. As time moved on I knew this wasn't a “need” or “desire” but it truly was love and affection for someone very, very special. The best part was, she seemed to be feeling it for ME too! Such a long journey since Carrabbas so long ago....

She admitted to me that there were a few reasons we didn't work out earlier. The fact I was a different race didn't help, but the big thing was I was not working when we first met really bothered her. She is successful, not only as a single mother, but as a business owner. She didn't tolerate second-best and wasn't about to invite an unemployed bum into her life.

If only she looked beyond the obvious...

Yes, I was not working. Yes I was different than she was used to. I was not working because I was trying to get my professional life in order, starting a new career path since insurance had become such a negative industry. I was living on my own using my savings, and not behind on the bills plus I paid for all the times we went out. If she would have just seen THAT and not focused on the deadbeat side, things may have worked out then. But that was all in the past.

meanwhile....

Once the food stopped coming at us in waves, and we were so full we couldn't hardly move, we moved into the theater room. I could tell the drinks had finally gotten to her and she was past the feel-good stage and moving to feeling queasy. I was mildly disappointed, but as the night progressed so perfectly, I was still in heaven. Knowing this breathtaking woman had planned out the night for us to enjoy meant I wasn't just dreaming about being with her. It COULD happen.

Just not tonight.

She had expected me to stay the night so I did. By the time we had retired to her room, the alcohol had taken over and she was woozy, room spinning, all she could do was sleep it off. I didn't have to MAKE love to BE in love.... and I was. There would be other nights, many I hoped.

I slept a bit uncomfortably, as I was concerned about her, trying to make her feel better but she didn't want touched or even thought about. I got the message loud and clear and stayed on my side of that enormous bed.

In the morning, her puppy dog needed to be taken for a walk so I took care of that while she slept. We had a nice discussion but he wasn't about to give me any secrets about his owner! It was fun to be out and about, knowing that my world was going to change for the better now that Katherine was in it. I now knew what people talking about “walking on air” meant. Life was good.

Not so good for poor hung-over K. She had gotten sick in her bathroom so of course, I took care of that too. The last thing I wanted my baby doing was cleaning up while she was feeling ill. A labor of love to be sure. It's funny to be happy doing something like that but I was.

I was playing with the puppy dog when she finally woke up enough to say she felt horrible. I asked if there was anything I could do, and all she said was to leave her be. Of course I told her I would and prepared to leave.

It was then that I lost her....

She mistook my leaving without a hug or kiss to mean I was angry. She thought my disappointment in not having sex had affected me and now I was just going to leave in a huff. Now SHE was mad.... She couldn't have been farther from the truth if she was on Mars. I felt sympathy for her being sick. I felt love and affection for her because of how she was and grateful for the previous dreamlike night. I felt the anticipation of a future unknown but of limitless possibilities.

Apparently the LIMIT was reached last night.

No matter what I told her, she believed what she believed and there was no changing her mind. That's one of the curses of loving strong-willed women. I was crushed. My storybook second chance now was feeling like strike 3 and I'm out.

She was gone again.

In the almost two years since, a week has not gone by without her coming into my mind. I would feel the touch of her hand, the warmth of her heart, the connection we had....

then I would wake up.

I held out hope all this time, occasionally contacting her and seeing if a door could be opened again. She has been quite clear and consistent in saying she wanted no relationship. I kept living in fantasy land and she would keep trying to put my feet in reality. Happened a few times actually, so I am confused that this last time I finally left the dream go.

Is there a logical reason why? Maybe as time heals, it educates as well. It was long overdue that I see she was gone and not coming back.

She's not coming back....

I finally know....

….. and my heart breaks... again