WELCOME TO TEENAGERDOM

With school recently starting again, I was daydreaming about the many things I would say to the kids if I had the opportunity. Since I have no children of my own, (and the prospects are NOT looking good!) the desire to help isn't satisfied.

I imagine being the main speaker (which I already know I am NOT good at, but this is MY dream!) and the entire school is there to hear my words of wisdom, ready to change their lives for the better, all because they listened to ME.

Ha.

Of course, I remember how it was when I was young (just a few short decades ago). Adults would always be telling you how you feel, what you should think, and point out every thing you did wrong, and that it was OK to spend time with Father Phillip because he is a PRIEST after all.

If I really WAS in front of teens, I would, most certainly, take a different approach.

I will NOT have any George Strait songs as my entrance music.

I will NOT be wearing an Elvis jumpsuit. Or a speedo. I WILL be wearing my lucky sox though, like any sane person would. [yes you DO spell “sox” that way. Google “Red Sox” or “White Sox”. Enough said.]

I will NOT use the current slang, lingo, (or whatever its called now), mostly because I never did, even when I was their age. I WILL try to fit in “magnifitent” just to sound edumacated.

I will point out that I am very qualified to talk about “teenagerism” because I have been one for 35 years now, and, NO, I do NOT live in a van down by the river.

I will let them in on one of the most-secret secrets ever in the history of humanity – being young and dumb is BETTER than being old and dumb.

I will not reference any Beibers, Hunger Games, or video games. Or Buddhists.

I will encourage the non-bullies to form a union, collect dues, then hire an older, much larger bully to kick the crap out of the classmates that treat them badly. This punishment is following in the spirit of the bible that states quite clearly, “a wedgie for a wedgie”... or something like that. Video, of course, should be taken and held as blackmail to the former thug, promising to post it to YouTube AND facebook if he/she steps out of line again.

I will give the students special ways to NOT get caught doing “right-of-passage” things such as drinking warm, imported beer upside down, welding the police cruisers doors shut without electricity, and the classic “collecting toenails from strangers”. Who HASN'T done THAT when they were young?

There will have to be a diversion for the teachers (a small explosion in the parking lot should do it) and a blood-oath pact from the kids to not share this top-secret information with anyone over the age of 15 and a half. - note to self: Don't forget BandAids ...and some dirt to rub it in.

I will NOT say it is OK for them to smoke, complain about taxes, curse, or shave every other week, despite the adults they see every day.

I will provide the soon-to-be adults with a clever retort to the comment "they do not know what “love” is". “The divorce rate currently is in the 40-50% range, so ADULTS clearly don't know about the “love thing” either”. That will surely show education has progressed to the point that parents will not bring this subject up again.

Incidentally, according to the ultimate guide to wordlyish things and their deep, sometimes secret meanings - The Urban Dictionary's top three for LOVE:

1. Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing
2. The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone
3. Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to
4. The person you want to give half your stuff to 8 years after you meet

There you have it. They would be the most prepared class ever in the history of world, perhaps the solar system. Becoming an adult would be an easy transition, now that they have all the knowledge needed to survive the cold, cruel world.

Oh yea, and how to make fire with just two sticks and a bag of marshmallows.....