12000 (1) 2013 (2) 2014 (2) 2016 (2) 2017 (34) 25000 (1) 30000 (1) 50 (1) 911 (2) ABOUT TIME (2) absentee fathers (2) action (30) adversity (13) advertising (2) age 48 (2) ALZHEIMERS (1) america (8) anger (6) apple (1) baby (1) backup (3) balance (2) BASEBALL HALL OF FAME (1) BEST MAN (1) BEST MAN HOLIDAY (1) birth (1) birthday (5) BMW (1) BOSS Mustang (5) breakups (9) breathing (2) bullies (5) Carol Clark Williams (1) cars (7) celebrity (11) child (3) children (10) choices (80) Christmas (2) class (4) class reunions (3) compassion (19) contacts (1) COOPERSTOWN (1) creating (6) CROSS COUNTRY (1) dating (28) DEATH (1) decisions (39) depression (13) DICK VITALE (1) disappointment (2) DISPOSABLE (1) diva (1) Dogstar Books (1) dreams (37) driving (5) DUKE (1) Earl Boykins (1) ELECTION 2016 (1) ELVIS (3) ENTERTAINMENT (4) ESPN (1) events (1) ex-girl (15) facebook (1) FAILURE (6) FAITH (4) fallen heroes (9) family (20) fatherhood (11) fathers day (3) FEAR (1) FINDING YOUR ROOTS (1) football (1) friends (9) FRIENDSHIP (15) funerals (5) GEORGE TAKEI (1) giving (15) GLEN CAMPBELL (1) GOALS (2) GOODWILL (1) google+ (1) government (2) GROUNDHOG DAY (1) GUNS (1) happiness (9) Harrisburg Pa area (2) hate (3) HEALING (1) heartbreak (17) HELL (1) helping (28) HEROES (1) HISTORY (1) Honda (2) hope (50) hopelessness (10) humane society harrisburg area (2) humanity (42) humble (8) humor (5) I'LL BE ME (1) INSPIRATION (1) integrity (4) internet dating (6) JIM VALVANO (1) job (9) job satisfaction (9) joy (19) KARMA (3) KATHY GRIFFIN (1) laundry (1) Lebron James (1) Library (1) life (49) LIFE INSURANCE (1) Lincoln (2) living (47) Long Island Medium (1) loss (19) lottery (6) love (42) LUCK (1) marriage (2) MARTIN LUTHER KING (1) Mary Saladna (1) masturbation (1) MEMORIAL DAY (1) Michelle Obama (1) MIDDLETOWN (4) Midtown Scholar Bookstore (1) MOM (19) moments (19) MONEY (1) MOTHERS (1) MOTORCYCLES (1) movies (9) MR PRESIDENT (1) MUSIC (1) NCIS (2) NEED (1) new years (1) OBAMA (1) Olympics 2012 (1) online dating (5) opportunity (30) parent (10) PAUL WALKER (1) people (40) perception (38) perspective (46) pets (2) poetry (43) POLITICS (2) positive thinking (17) POWERBALL (2) pride (9) purpose (2) quality time (6) racism (7) rain (1) reading (3) red lights (1) regret (12) relationships (52) reminiscing (31) resignation (10) responsibility (22) RICHARD MATHESON (1) RIGHT KIND OF WRONG (1) ROBERT REDFORD (1) ROBIN WILLIAMS (1) romance (40) roommates (1) sacrifice (12) SCHOOL (1) seinfeld (1) self-examination (60) SEX (3) smoking (1) SOCIAL MEDIA (1) SOTU (1) sports (6) STACEY DASH (1) STAR TREK (2) starting (3) Steve Jobs (1) STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON (1) Stuart Scott (1) stupid rules (1) superpowers (2) Taboo (1) TAYLOR SWIFT (4) TEACHING (1) teenagers (2) TESLA (1) thankful (18) tIGER wOODS (1) tim tebow (1) time (5) tire kingdom (2) toenail fungus (1) TOM PETTY (1) tough love (4) TRIUMPH (1) TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE (1) TV (1) twitter (2) underdogs (1) utopia (3) V-FOUNDATION (1) VALENTINES DAY (1) vince lombardi (2) volunteering (2) VW (1) Wages (1) wedding (2) weird (1) WILD ANIMALS (1) winning (5) women (30) work (11) writers critique (3) writing (31)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012


For a while now I've been making a very real effort to write. I try to find interesting things to say on different topics but I'm not doing it well. I tried to be funny a few times but the result lacked in one thing – humor. I feel uninspiring and ineffective and just plain tired. I have tried to follow my own advice and volunteer (since the voices in my head are so LOUD), thinking a giving nature would offset some of the negativity, but the price I pay for that is too high. When I give a few hours, the aches and pains lasts for days. It's the only thing about getting older I really dislike.

It's not the abyss calling as has happened before. It's not that I don't have the time. I do. I often said I only write what moves me. Nothing does. And I don't seem to care. The worst thing is I don't care that I don't care. You should AT LEAST, care that you don't care that you don't care!!

I'm so affected that I will stop playing the lottery. I would have stopped this week but I have one last gasp of hope, wanting to help the part of my family that is going through the crushing disappointment of closing the their business. I can't imagine how awful things must be with them. I would give anything to ease their pain.

I always played Powerball or MegaMillions to enable a dream or two. You MUST play to WIN!!! Of course helping folks that need a hand up was a large part of it, as was making Mom's remaining years as wonderful as possible, and, for sure, feeding my addiction to having cool cars. I would limit myself to only 25 or so....

I wish I could say I have a lot to look forward to, but that would be a huge lie. If there was no tomorrow, I can't imagine what I would miss. I play a very, very small role with friends and family. Some is my fault, but the reality is, they are all, rightfully, busy with their kids and life. Sometimes I daydream about canceling my cell, withdrawing from the internet, and moving away to a place no one knows me. How long would it take for anyone to notice?

The sad truth is, as much as I love trying to make the world a better place by helping people feel special and in general, trying to be a good human being, I get a failing grade. The world hardly notices, I can't seem to lift the spirits of friends, let alone strangers, and as for myself, I am quite lacking. Perhaps I should set my goals a little lower. Maybe I will just recycle more...

This isn't a pity party or a cry for help or a request to have you call me for comfort or cash. I will be fine. Broke, but fine. We all have challenges, I'm not immune. Anyone who knows me, I'm sure, would be surprised. I attempt to make being around me a bright spot in anyone's day, so I questioned whether to put it out there for all to see. Yet, I feel like I have nothing to hide. I'm just me. It's just a picture of my world. I hope you understand if I don't invite you in.

I've been accused in the past of being too personal on this site. If they only knew what I withheld.... Like a lot of people, the true depths of my issues are not advertised. Why would I want to be a downer when life is constantly beating folks down? I only want to be a positive voice and if I can't, I'll just shut up....

I don't know if it will take a week, a month, or an intervention by the cast of “Supernatural”, all I know is, I'll be back, hopefully better than ever. Registered & Protectedthe copyright law

No comments:

Post a Comment

please add whatever is on your mind after reading this!