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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I'M TAKING SOME TIME OFF.....

For a while now I've been making a very real effort to write. I try to find interesting things to say on different topics but I'm not doing it well. I tried to be funny a few times but the result lacked in one thing – humor. I feel uninspiring and ineffective and just plain tired. I have tried to follow my own advice and volunteer (since the voices in my head are so LOUD), thinking a giving nature would offset some of the negativity, but the price I pay for that is too high. When I give a few hours, the aches and pains lasts for days. It's the only thing about getting older I really dislike.

It's not the abyss calling as has happened before. It's not that I don't have the time. I do. I often said I only write what moves me. Nothing does. And I don't seem to care. The worst thing is I don't care that I don't care. You should AT LEAST, care that you don't care that you don't care!!

I'm so affected that I will stop playing the lottery. I would have stopped this week but I have one last gasp of hope, wanting to help the part of my family that is going through the crushing disappointment of closing the their business. I can't imagine how awful things must be with them. I would give anything to ease their pain.

I always played Powerball or MegaMillions to enable a dream or two. You MUST play to WIN!!! Of course, helping folks that need a hand up was a large part of it. As was making Mom's remaining years as wonderful as possible, and, for sure, feeding my addiction to having cool cars. I would limit myself to only 25 or so.... or is it 250???

I wish I could say I have a lot to look forward to, but that would be a huge lie. If there was no tomorrow, I can't imagine what I would miss. I play a very, very small role with friends and family. Some is my fault, but the reality is, they are all, rightfully, busy with their kids and life. Sometimes I daydream about canceling my cell, withdrawing from the internet, and moving away to a place no one knows me. How long would it take for anyone to notice?

The sad truth is, as much as I love trying to make the world a better place by helping people feel special and in general, trying to be a good human being, I get a failing grade. The world hardly notices, I can't seem to lift the spirits of friends, let alone strangers, and as for myself, I am quite lacking. Perhaps I should set my goals a little lower. Maybe I will just recycle more...

This isn't a pity party or a cry for help or a request to have you call me for comfort or cash. I will be fine. Broke, but fine. We all have challenges, I'm not immune. Anyone who knows me, I'm sure, would be surprised. I attempt to make being around me a bright spot in anyone's day, so I questioned whether to put it out there for all to see. Yet, I feel like I have nothing to hide. I'm just me. It's just a picture of my world. I hope you understand if I don't invite you in.

I've been accused in the past of being too personal on this site. If they only knew what I withheld.... Like a lot of people, the true depths of my issues are not advertised. Why would I want to be a downer when life is constantly beating folks down? I only want to be a positive voice and if I can't, I'll just shut up....

I don't know if it will take a week, a month, or an intervention by the cast of “Supernatural”, all I know is, I'll be back, hopefully better than ever.


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