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Thursday, June 19, 2014

LOOKING BACK AT "TIME OFF"

I scribbled the thoughts below many months ago and it was interesting to read them again. This was a time that I seemed stuck, felt bleak, and had no purpose. Things have changed considerably since then....After the 2 months respite from wordery, I put out more postings than ever... over 30 in the next 6 weeks!

 Here's what I had to say THEN, when my attitude was, let's say, not-so-positive.....

"Sometimes, you can see the value of something when you step away for a while....

Unfortunately, this did NOT happen with me and writing!

So what DID I do?

I gained weight..... I lost weight..... I gained weight..... I stared at empty pages, wondering what to say, yet knowing inspiration was on vacation and I wasn't invited. I tried to write a journal but realized it was awful and unreadable.... I thought about dating, then laughed out loud as it was a ridiculous idea. What could I possibly offer anyone when I'm in the mess I'm in....

Mess?

What else could I call it when I live alone in a small apartment, trying to convince myself to return to a company I learned to hate - all to help someone that didn't seem to care? I have neither the money or energy to date anyone and I feel unattractive to everyone, have nothing to give, nothing to inspire, nothing to care about.... That sounds like a mess, right?

Am I going nowhere or just travelling the road to nowhere?"

The reason I felt the way I did was that Mom left and went back to her house. The house that she asked me to help her escape from. The house that she shared with a double-x husband. I thought that coming back to PA to help her would give me a new start to SOMETHING, because, up to that point, I had nothing to look back on but distant memories. I was alone again and not needed... by anyone.

Part of me was glad that there were no dependents, as I might not have done such a great job of taking care of them. My apathy had grown and didn't seem to have any limits. I eventually went to see a Dr about it and was deemed "healthy" by almost all measurables. I was surprised....

I figured it was my time to have issues. I had gained way too much weight and didn't care at all about changing the situation, or about anything in general. I had enough blood taken to feed a vampire or two for a wild night, but nothing came up abnormal. No medical reason to blame, no symptom to prescribe medication, no changes coming my way apparently"
The update: Changes DID come.
Despite reliving this bad-excuse-of-a-life, knowing what was happening, I was content to watch a replay of episodes instead of changing the channel. Until the day came to get to work. And I dove in...

I worked... and worked.... and worked.... but I loved making a difference. 

I took a bad circumstance and improved it. I met some great folks along the way, and I saved some money
for a rainy day (Of course, the probability of precipitation WAS going to climb sooner or later!!!). It was like the covers were lifted and I awoke to a world where I was actually a part of. I was happy.... alone, but still happy. Things were good.....

Moral of this story - You CAN persevere, through the darkest of moments, through the lousiest of times, through the worst kind of misery you can imagine living in. You CAN persevere, despite the chemical imbalances, the lack of fairness in life, without anyone helping.... all the while recognizing you have control over your mood, your body, and your life.... especially if you don't care...

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