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Saturday, December 12, 2015


I was not sleepy last night so, like so many other people, I got online and nosed around Facebook. I didn't have anyone to talk to that late (It WAS late!) and there wasn't much to see, so I looked up a bunch of old conversations I have had in the past.... boy was it an eye-opener.

We all have days when we are melancholy, bluesy, or just downright depressed. Those days used to happen to me with regularity, as expected as the coming of the seasons, only my blahs came much more frequently. They sometimes were paralyzing, sometimes just irritating, but 100% illogical. I KNEW this, yet the mood still came and went. As the years of experience dealing with this added up, my conclusions (and ANYONE who has read ANYTHING on here can guess, I have an opinion on just about EVERYTHING - right or wrong) were that it was OK.

We don't ALWAYS have to be positive and bubbly.

We don't ALWAYS have to be supercharged and excited about the prospects of another day.

We don't ALWAYS have to (try) and be inspirational to others.

We don't ALWAYS have to take medication to feel a bit better.

I learned to wallow in my misery. Not for months, weeks, but just a day or two. A good weekend of bawling watching movies (Pay It Forward, 6th Sense, Field of Dreams, Dodgeball.... OK .... maybe NOT "Dodgeball" but you get the idea) and the mood passed. I felt emotion again and the world was back in it's rightful orbit. No more melancholy. No more mood-eating. No more self-pity.

I haven't had one in a while until last night.

In 'catching up" with some of the finest folks of my past, it dawned on me just how happy they were. Happy... looking healthy... life has been great since I was a part of their life. I had thought in most instances, I was a good memory but then it came over me as again and again, I saw the results of my NOT being a part of these joyous lives - it was like I was never there.

It reminded me of "It's A Wonderful Life", where George thinks he has had no influence, and therefor will not be missed if he leaves this Earth. [Full disclosure - no suicidal thoughts were in my head at all] The overwhelming idea as I reviewed another and yet another important person from my past was, "I'm not missed".

Of course this made me think, as always....


Since I try and be a realist to myself and others, the cold hard fact is I must not have been as good a friend as I thought. And even less a good lover/boyfriend/whatever. To most anyone. My whole life. That's a sobering thought. Seeing the marriages, children, joyous pictures, and all created this overwhelming desire to just crawl in a hole. Delete any internet presence, since no one is trying to get in my face anyway. Stop writing because no one is listening or interested. Change my phone number so no one that MIGHT reach out can succeed. Plan a move to a place no one knows me. Get on the waiting list for that one-way trip to Mars.

I looked at the faces of these wonderful people from my past, remembering when WE were (I thought) THAT happy. I then looked at my life and saw that I was in (mostly) the same place as I was when I knew them. Some as long as 20 years ago.... wow. Someone had recently tried to point this out during a fit of rage, so I didn't listen much, but they were more right than wrong. I have done none of the things I hoped for, and have no excuses for why.

I wanted to be able to inspire everyone's inner strength, allowing them to overcome most obstacles without consulting Dr Phil, prescription medication, or the Funny Farm. I wanted to be able to lift a down spirit, support someone's self-esteem that may have been lacking. I wanted to make a difference.

Complete and utter failure.

See how this works? If you are not afflicted with this feeling of complete despair, you are one lucky SOB. I think it hits most of us. I look around the world and see faces of humans who have given up the dream to be happy and now just want to strike back because life isn't FAIR. Our world is full of people who react badly to these overwhelming emotions. It's easy to do. If you don't recognize the oncoming wave of hopelessness, you have very little chance of handling it well. If you aren't able to handle the flood of thoughts that will infect your soul, you act out. Some will not get the chance to change their opinions of this TEMPORARY mindset. Their actions will lead them down a path of self-destruction that  no one can redirect.

Let me remind you, in case you ARE there... it's TEMPORARY. It is more temporary if you do something positive about it. Do something that will offset the negative thoughts. Do something that will bring joy, even if you think it's not possible. Be selfish and do something for someone who needs help. Do it because you will start healing. What could this be for YOU? I have no idea.

It could be as little as smiling at strangers, not in a sinister "I'm going to kidnap your dog" look but a friendly seemingly happy smile that will, more times than not, bring a smile to THEIR face too...

It could be helping out at the Food Bank. It could be writing. It could be forcing yourself to get OUT of the house that imprisons you at the moment. it could be finding old friends and catching up. It could be putting away  the past and living in the moment. You know YOU best. Most times, we won't even remember how bad we felt 6 months ago, so why do we give it so much power over our life?

Because we are flawed.

For those of you who think you can MAKE a person happier by "understanding" or by "being there for them" or 'telling them they are wonderful", or slapping them into submission, I hate to be the clown that pees over your cleverness. For most folks, no one has that ability, except the person being pounded by the realities in their head. You can try, but don't be disappointed if they do NOT respond to your text. Or calls. Or knocks on the door. Yes, I know, it's not the most alluring picture of existence, but it's also not incurable. or at least Band-Aidable...

Admit that you AREN'T the best version of yourself.... YET! Identify those moments you aren't proud of who is looking back at you in the mirror. Acknowledge you are NOT Beyonce, Oprah, or even your cool cousin who seems to have it all together. Accept your defects and resolve to turn them into points of pride. Endorse the fact that you struggle, but, how does that saying go, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

It was said by a survivor.... and a flawed human being just like you... and me.

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