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Thursday, April 6, 2017

REMINDERS OF WHAT'S MISSING

This was a strange day. Not because of the rainy weather, the late start, or the grilled cheese with too much butter. From beginning to end, it felt like I was a spectator. Mom was more confused than usual and didn't seem so happy. People I met were cordial not friendly. What REALLY hit the emotion button was re-watching the movie "About Time" (which I wrote about HERE).

While I enjoy the film because of it's unique story, tonight it just opened up the emptiness of what is NOT in my life, things I  so obviously WANT - Someone to give my heart to, a FULL life with Mom, having a Father/Son day (as the child!), having a Father/Son day (as the Dad!), having family gatherings on a regular basis, and having an overwhelming sense of happiness in my ho-hum existence.

Luckily, this is a mood that passes. I don't feel left out or cheated, I don't feel despair at the current situation, even if Mom didn't have a good day. I look back at my decisions and am OK with the way things played out.

But....

.....when THIS mood hits, the holes are exposed and the pain of loss /unsuccessfullness /defeat is felt fully.

I had a thought. If I won the lottery, what would I trade it for, if I could?

A Father figure I could respect?
A child that I could be proud to call my own DNA?
A Wife that thinks I am the answer to the question, "Whom do I want to spend eternity with?"
World peace?

Probably all of that and more.

Money never REALLY brought the happiness I imagined it would, when I was young and poor (and idiotic!) I only realized the value of joy when I finally came to grips with my own place as a human being. On evenings like THIS one however, the logic of those realizations are completely clouded over by the heartache and longing for what is out of reach.

I used to dwell on this bluesy outlook but, since I AM older and WISER, I don't have to... or WANT to.

Things that make you unhappy MUST be dealt with by either action or acceptance. It is the basis for making any situation better.  As I write this, I choose to shed a tear or two, whine a bit to myself, and accept that tomorrow, I will be a bit smileyer. Tomorrow I will be no closer to a Mom to have deep discussions with, a Father to share man-stuff, a child to treasure, my wife to adore.... it feels like I will NEVER have any of that.

Time to go to sleep so the sun can rise faster!


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