THE GUILT AND THE.....

For the first time since I can't remember when, Mom is not around me or home alone. She went with one of her oldest friends and daughter to an event in the area. She didn't really want to go. She said a few times she wishes I would be along. ....sigh.....

Yup.... that's where the guilt comes from. 

Part of me wants the solitude. Part of me wants to just make her happy and go. Part of me wants to run away. Part of me wants to do something I wouldn't ordinarily do. No idea of exactly what that IS, but anyway... 

The largest part of me wants to spend it with a certain very special someone but they have deleted me from their life. That must be the part that just wants to just sit here and feel sorry for myself. Well.... 

THAT isn't going to happen. 

As empty as I feel inside, I WILL go and do SOMETHING I enjoy. 

It's amusing to think that I FINALLY have some time for whatever, and what I am doing at the moment is write about it. This is most definitely a sign of a lack of friends and sound mind. 

The cause of this situation is my asking Mom's friend if she could come over while I am going to see a movie that I know Mom wouldn't like. The friend has been in her life for over 50 years and has also had to deal with memory issues of her spouse for many years. I certainly don't want to take advantage of anyone, just to dump off Mom and go have fun on my own. They have certainly been through enough on their own to take any of MY issues with them. Another source of guilt... 

Yet, I realize that without my solitude occasionally, I become someone I don't like. Short tempered, selfish, and  impatient. These are NOT qualities to have with a person in Mom's condition. I try and have some time every day, even if only the hours after she goes to bed, that I can think of something other than her. So far it has been mostly successful in keeping away the demons. I recognize pretty quickly that those undesirable qualities have sprung up and I can whisk them away, for a while. 

I guess I better stop typing and just go.... maybe a motorcycle ride. maybe a ride in the truck. Maybe the young lady will be inspired to reach out and take my mind off any problems the world (or me) is in at the moment.... 

maybe....