I've tried to avoid you, seemingly, forever. I had many reasons. My biological father taught me to NOT just make babies, as he did. He taught me to NOT get married again, and again, and again, and again, and again.... as he did. He taught me to look at almost everything he did with me - and do exactly opposite. But it's not HIS fault you were never born.
That failure falls only on me.
A bit of selfishness of course. A lack of luck. A completely unsuccessful finding or recognizing the amazing mothers that have crossed my path. Maybe I was thinking too much about the family curse of Alzheimers. These and maybe dozens more have stood in the way of living out my dreams or our time together.
I thought we were close a few times, but fate had another vision of the future that didn't include us. I searched and hoped I found your Mother, a few times. She would have been as perfect for us as my imagination allowed, yet she didn't believe that I was perfect for her. She was probably right.
There's no doubt that if you WERE born, your Mom would have done a fantastic job of being your Mom. She would have been there every time you needed her. She would have been your secret weapon for the dilemmas that are inevitable. The question comes up though, what kind of DAD would you have had?
Your arrival would have meant the end of my life as I knew it. No doubt it would be a celebration NOW, but what about years ago? Was I ready? Was I worthy? Was I going to be better at this "father" stuff than my own?
I like to think I would have made you proud. I like to think you would feel safe and loved no matter what. I like to think you would be able to come to me with any question and we could find a way to answer it, together. I like to think I would show you how to be a happy and compassionate human being.
Talk is just talk though and we don't really know. Will we EVER?
I still hope so....
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