THE WEEKEND

I am embarrassed to say that Mom noticed my sadness today.  

This is NEVER supposed to happen. It is easy enough to get things past her because she doesn't always notice things unless it's staring her right in the face, so you can understand my shame.

On one hand, it's tough to deal with issues in an empty house. Although technically NOT empty, I have to remember FAR back to recall a time when me and Mom could have a real conversation. 

Since I hardly want her to worry about anything, I didn't say a word as to why my heavy heart was on display at the kitchen table. I just said all is well and passed her a full cup of coffee. Discussion over. That's one of the good things about her memory loss. 

On the OTHER hand, words come easily at the moment. That's the thing with being the emotional writer I am. Strong ones create the sentences, following the mood of the moment. If it's a bad mood, bluesy posts will pop up. Happy times bring happy posts. No mood will make it difficult to be interesting. Yup, it's a curse. And a blessing. 

Unfortunately, they aren't all that positive or uplifting, as much as I wish they could be. Not only do I have this world of hers shrinking, despite the laughter, but a personal struggle of yours truly makes it more difficult to draw a smile or pretend to be happy. The good that CAN come out of it is writing about the emotions of a future, altered. 

So, for the next few installments, there will probably be a theme. Sorry...

Mom has a lot less energy today than the amount she had, even two years ago. This limits, sometimes, the things we can do. She also has some days that she runs out by 7 pm. Those are the ones that I end up replacing her as head dishwasher. That is happening more and more. 

It may seem small, but there are so few things she is able to do, that it makes it tough to keep her entertained. You can only watch so much TV...

She brings up Germany a lot less lately. I feared this would be the way it goes. This is a mixed blessing, as we can't afford to go this year, and maybe she won't be capable of speaking by next year. I HATE the thoughts of that. 

She often asks questions or makes statements multiple times in a short span. It's a classic symptom of memory issues and one I hoped she would pass by. 

I wish there was a NEW bright spot to report, but it would be a shock to see anything good added. We still laugh every day, still get in plenty of hugs, and still keep her smiling and happy. 

I guess that's enough.