LOVE AND LIFE

In a recent posting, I talked about things missing in my life. While accurate, I wonder about my life, my happiness, and the role anyone else could have in it.

Before I get to that, I MUST mention this new direction I have taken with writing.... not promoting it and not aspiring to be a great motivator for anyone other than ME.

This has caused great relief in that space most people have a brain residing. I won't actually admit to HAVING one of those but there's always hope of a transplant, right? By releasing the disappointment of being wildly UNsuccessful, I can refocus on what is REALLY cool for me... entertaining myself. When I read these postings at a later date, I sit there like a fool with a big smile on my face. Even if no one likes the end result, I am content in my value.

This will cause me to change a few priorities no doubt.

Publishing a book seems a bit silly now. Sharing my thoughts with a new stranger seems less important, although I will. Almost 40,000 views later, there MUST be some redeeming quality to my words. The pile of stories I want to write about seem less daunting, so I might start fleshing them out and putting them here, chapter by chapter. I also have flashes of NEW topics that I now can feel free to share with myself, so without further delay....

I was watching one of my FAVORITE movies (Belle as mentioned about [here] and the not-so-revolutionary concept of  "a life without love is horrific" posed a few new questions. As an untrained and unlicensed unclinical psychologist, I wanted to look deeper into that part of my life. I came to some conclusions....

Without the deeply personal relationship someone of the opposite sex brings, I probably try and compensate with love of OTHER parts of my reality. My truck, my movies, and my dreams. While on the most basic levels it DOES help somewhat, I can see the shortcomings. I equate it to a heroin addict replacing the strong drug with Red Bulls. It may work a few times. Eventually, it will be inadequate. I guess I am at the "inadequate" stage. What to do?

I certainly can't snap my fingers and have Jeannie appear to make things all better. Wait...... OK.... it DIDN'T work. Just making sure!

While some folks get a little looser with the requirements of companionship, I have gotten more extreme. Extreme as in disqualifying almost EVERY person I come across. It's prolly better for now. I am clearly NOT going to be a huge asset to most people, while my attention is fully on Mom and her happiness. We all know that it is better to be alone than with that UNspecial someone. It doesn't make the emptiness easier to deal with though.

Mom has a place in my heart OBVIOUSLY, but the affection towards HER is FAR different than that of a girlfriend. Much of the joy I have while with her is seeing HER smiling and enjoying the day. Nice, but short-lived and not very satisfying to my restless singledom.

Movies provide one outlet for the emotions to pour out. A good cry from a happy or sad story is a prescription for almost everyone. Expressing ANY emotion has a positive affect on your attitude. Living temporarily in someone else's life makes your own issues disappear, even if only for a few minutes. Unfortunately, this only lasts till the next day so I get to feel my underwhelming self too soon!

I have less tolerance for foolishness in EVERY area of life at the moment. From driving around among stupidos to reading about yet another human failing, I get to the place of losing faith in humanity as a whole. It's NOT a good place to be. I have less enthusiasm for ANYTHING and have a difficult time imagining a better reality. Sounds depressing doesn't it?

To counter that, I will write.... I will smile.... I will ask a lot of questions to strangers I meet and hope. Hope for Mom to have a great day. Hope to have love introduce itself to me once again. Hope that when it DOES, the OTHER person will feel the same. And hope every one of the souls that feel this overwhelming darkness and despair that can come over them, will realize it's just visiting..... it won't stay... it WILL go away.... Just maybe not today.....