I HAVE A DREAM TOO.....

In my search for more info on the civil unrest that has been going on, I was pulled towards the famous, “I Have a Dream” Martin Luther King speech. The sad fact is that parts of it still ring true today, over 50 years later....

If you haven't read it in a while or never heard it in it's entirety, click here for the written version. I wondered as I went from line to line, how many folks only know the few sentences that are often quoted. They miss the point entirely if that's all the farther they go....

One part that struck me was.... “When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men – yes black men as well as white men – would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned.”

You COULD say that America has defaulted for MOST of us. Those in charge have centered more on economic status than anything. If you aren't earning more than enough already, it doesn't appear to be getting any easier in the coming years.

The struggles of the middle-class on down aren't a priority to those we vote for and mean even less to those that run the businesses that employ them. Wages have been stagnant so long as it's now the norm to pay whatever the minimum can be for a particular position. Instead of a growing and vibrant workforce, we have one that “appreciates just having a job”. Is this the best we can do???  I thought this was the land of opportunity????

The rich and powerful have tested us – ALL of us – and we have done nothing in response. Isn't it time to join hands, man AND woman.... black AND white... plus any other group that feels neglected.... join hands to start a new revolution? This one should be directed at those directly responsible for this condition we are in. A revolution for ALL to have a real chance to earn more than a minimum wage.... a chance to use your given abilities to their ultimate capabilities.... a chance to improve the conditions for you and your family... a way out of the crushing reality from a shattered dream.

How much of this trouble we see today is just a symptom of the declining middle-class? Once proud, the voices have been silenced by downsizing, outsourcing, and restructuring. I can't imagine, if we all have a chance to earn a good living at a job we are appreciated and needed, that many of these issues today would go away. A proud man is a mighty force. One that has the strength to lift an entire nation to higher highs, overcome the lowest lows, and keep the peace of prosperity going. If everyone was offered this opportunity, would we be standing in the shadows of chaos today, searching for answers to civility?

I also noticed the section that says, “We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling-off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children. It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment.”

We don't need any of the so-called leaders to tell us what to do or how to repair this long suffering damage to our brothers and sisters. If you step back and just watch our children interact with each other, before the hate is taught.... before the hateful words are learned..... before they are exposed to the violence and vengeance of the racial divide.... you will see the wisdom of youth. Playing together, laughing together, being together and enjoying the fellowship we all need. They do not see the differences of color, they see the sameness of humanity. The same number of arms and legs. The same words to communicate. The same sound of laughter, the same reasons to cry. Why do we ever change our minds when we are so correct from the start?????

We can and we must come together. Mistakes have been made, the past littered with memories that must be respected but not repeated. Only together can we bring peace to our land, prosperity to our children, and a future so bright it gives the rest of the world hope that they too can overcome their own lingering problems, to rise above it all, and see peace and prosperity in the eyes of their own people as well. It's time for the UNITED States to be a leader again, not by intimidation, but as an example for others to want for themselves.

One final piece of the speech that struck me as a timely reminder from a national treasure..... “The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundation of our nation until the bright days of justice emerge. And that is something that I must say to my people who stand on the worn threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust all white people, for of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone and as we walk we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.”

This sounded to me like it was written last week.

How crushingly sad, that after all the pain and heartache, after all the violence, after all the death that came to our brothers and sisters, our eyes have not opened enough to see, what is so very clear to most sensible folks – the uniqueness of our humanity can never overcome the terrible decisions and mistreatment we bring down on other living and breathing souls. Be they brothers from down the street or our cousins from the other side of the world, we all ask for dignity and respect, which SHOULD be given freely by everyone. Whatever the disconnect, somehow we must find a was to bridge the gap of ignorance and set free the negativity and beliefs of the past.

We can't repair the damaged relationships by watching an interview, reading an article, or sitting back and hoping for the best. It will take a real effort by ALL of us to make our world the paradise it always COULD have been, what it always SHOULD have been, what it will ultimately WILL be.... with or without us.

Let's start today.....

HOMOSEXUALITY... and traffic tickets

What concerns should heterosexuals have towards homosexual human beings?

 None.

Is this going to be the shortest posting ever on here? Nope.

I just find it amusing and embarrassing that so-called normal people have such strong feelings on folks with a different orientation than them. I'll come right out and say I can't stomach the thought that our inept and corrupt government decides who can and can't be married or enjoy the benefits fully. They can't keep their own house in any order, why should they tell me how to live in mine? I had an experience years ago that crystallized my feelings on the subject.

I was living in Texas at the time and met a cool Trekkie fan we will call Ray, since his name was Ray. He was excited about the new movie coming out, Star Trek V – The Final Frontier. We talked a lot about many things beyond space, and I was happy to have someone to call a friend in this part of the country. I knew NO ONE except my step-sister and her husband, and it had gotten a little lonely. I had come to Texas because of a situation with my drivers license.

The statute of limitations has run out, so I can now admit that, while living in PA, I had an unfortunate series of events (speeding, evading and eluding, more speeding) that put my license in serious jeopardy. I'll take “suspended for a whole year” Alex. In looking back, I can feel lucky that all that happened in the old days, because if it happened TODAY, I wouldn't have gotten off so easy. The comical portion of the story was provided by the Police themselves.

I know we've gone far off track, but stay with me here....

I was riding my motorcycle one afternoon, and saw in my mirror, flashing red and blue lights... CRAP! Not again.... I happened to own the fastest motorcycle made at the time, and in one quick, stupid decision, I twisted the throttle and sped off, going well over 150 mph to keep from getting yet ANOTHER ticket. He wasn't going to catch ME. Well, it turned out he didn't NEED to.

He had a bunch of friends join in our little excursion. Unbeknownst to me, as I was rounding a curve and blowing past a bus, thinking I was home-free, this wonderful peacekeeper called in the troops. Usually, as I was told later, they are too busy to join the fun, but as my luck always seemed to run out quickly in those days, they were all available and eager to meet me asap, and explain the meaning of life going forward.

I was five miles or so down the road from where I took off and I exited where I thought was clear of any law enforcement – as usual, I was wrong. They must have laughed at this dumb dumb on a fast bike, thinking he could outrun a radio. I couldn't see risking any innocent bystanders out and about on these side streets so I just pulled over and figured I could outwit Barney Fife. Wrong AGAIN. They had gotten my license plate number and I was toast. The handcuffs came out, since I was obviously a hoodlum, they put me in the cruiser, and immediately realized, they had locked the keys in the car with me!

I had to laugh despite my rather gloomy circumstances.... They tried a number of ways to open the door but finally gave up and got someone to drive over to the station for the spares. I volunteered, but they didn't think that was too funny.

I had my license suspended before and couldn't stand the thought of not driving for another whole year, so I ultimately found a not-so-legal way of staying on the road – I moved to Texas. The Longhorn State, at THAT time, didn't share much information with others about driving, least of all mine. I could get a license in Texas, turn in my license in to Penn Dot, start the suspension, and keep driving down south until it was completed. Great plan right?

[note to self: if I get to go back in time, remind ME that my plans usually were el stupido.... and to invest in Home Depot in 1981]

Anyhoo....

Ray and I hung out a while, he showed me his garage that he was trying to convert into the bridge of the Enterprise (red flags SHOULD have been going off, but I was very naïve at that time, just recently coming out from momma's skirt). He was cool. He owned a business, had the latest gadgets, and we could relate on many levels.

We went to the sneak-preview of Trek in San Antonio, despite the fact we had no tickets! The local radio station was holding the event, so we just happened to show up while the line was forming and snuck in while no one was looking. We were real rebels. Unfortunately, our third wheel, who I later learned was actually Ray's boyfriend, didn't make the show. He either didn't go when we crept in or was too afraid to follow. Either way, he had to wait until the movie was over as Ray had been the driver. This didn't put him in a good mood, not only missing the show but having his special someone with a new stranger....

Of course, I was oblivious to it all. I had no clue, until....

 Ray wanted to take me to a bar that he said had a “mixed crowd”. I was looking forward to going since I liked to look at ladies in all shapes, sizes, and colors.... you know a MIXED crowd! I had my suspicions that he was not of the girl-watching type, but it didn't matter to me. He was cool. Well.... when we walked in to this club, and I saw the “mixed crowd” that Ray had talked about, it confirmed what I thought might be true. My new friend ray was gay. There was a mixed crowd for sure. Ladies hugging ladies, men hugging men. My eyes were wide open! This actually didn't matter at all to me until he started giving me the sales pitch – you know, “try it, you might like it”

..... uhhhhhhhh..... errrrrrrrr....

 Poor naïve me didn't have any other way to say that lifestyle was NOT me. I told him, “I like girls, even if they don't usually like me”.... Just like Ray preferred the people he was attracted to, so was I attracted to who I was attracted to. Not the same, just different. I wasn't going to take this for a test drive, and I wasn't going to be upset that someone would want me to. No big deal.

 Ray gave up after a bit and we lost touch, unfortunately, but I know he probably ended up happy and content, as he was that kind of guy. I doubt he stayed with the whats-his-name that I knew. They were quite a mismatch.

When I look back on this, my first real experience in knowing a gay anybody, it was very clear that it just wasn't important to me who they wanted to be with. If they were cool, they were cool. I also believe that, if they want to marry, they should be able to, without anyone or any thing standing in their way.

 I had the unfortunatality to be a witness to guys getting angry about someone possibly being gay in the lockeroom in junior high. It was quite a spectacle. I didn't have a clue why these couple of guys, the popular ones, would get agitated at the thought someone in there didn't like girls. How pathetic, even at 13.

Obviously the stupiditity remains as we are still dealing with a lot of misunderstanding from the gay community. It has seemingly gotten more accepted, but I am hardly someone who knows much about that. If you don't walk in someone's shoes, you can't really know how good/bad things are. I don't pretend to know.

I just hope to live long enough that we don't dislike, or fear, or hate anyone strictly by appearance or preference. That's the dumbest thing of all....

LOOKING BACK AT "TIME OFF"

I scribbled the thoughts below many months ago and it was interesting to read them again. This was a time that I seemed stuck, felt bleak, and had no purpose. Things have changed considerably since then....After the 2 months respite from wordery, I put out more postings than ever... over 30 in the next 6 weeks!

 Here's what I had to say THEN, when my attitude was, let's say, not-so-positive.....

"Sometimes, you can see the value of something when you step away for a while....

Unfortunately, this did NOT happen with me and writing!

So what DID I do?

I gained weight..... I lost weight..... I gained weight..... I stared at empty pages, wondering what to say, yet knowing inspiration was on vacation and I wasn't invited. I tried to write a journal but realized it was awful and unreadable.... I thought about dating, then laughed out loud as it was a ridiculous idea. What could I possibly offer anyone when I'm in the mess I'm in....

Mess?

What else could I call it when I live alone in a small apartment, trying to convince myself to return to a company I learned to hate - all to help someone that didn't seem to care? I have neither the money or energy to date anyone and I feel unattractive to everyone, have nothing to give, nothing to inspire, nothing to care about.... That sounds like a mess, right?

Am I going nowhere or just travelling the road to nowhere?"

The reason I felt the way I did was that Mom left and went back to her house. The house that she asked me to help her escape from. The house that she shared with a double-x husband. I thought that coming back to PA to help her would give me a new start to SOMETHING, because, up to that point, I had nothing to look back on but distant memories. I was alone again and not needed... by anyone.

Part of me was glad that there were no dependents, as I might not have done such a great job of taking care of them. My apathy had grown and didn't seem to have any limits. I eventually went to see a Dr about it and was deemed "healthy" by almost all measurables. I was surprised....

I figured it was my time to have issues. I had gained way too much weight and didn't care at all about changing the situation, or about anything in general. I had enough blood taken to feed a vampire or two for a wild night, but nothing came up abnormal. No medical reason to blame, no symptom to prescribe medication, no changes coming my way apparently"

The update: Changes DID come.

Despite reliving this bad-excuse-of-a-life, knowing what was happening, I was content to watch a replay of episodes instead of changing the channel. Until the day came to get to work. And I dove in...

I worked... and worked.... and worked.... but I loved making a difference. 

I took a bad circumstance and improved it. I met some great folks along the way, and I saved some money
for a rainy day (Of course, the probability of precipitation WAS going to climb sooner or later!!!). It was like the covers were lifted and I awoke to a world where I was actually a part of. I was happy.... alone, but still happy. Things were good.....

Moral of this story - You CAN persevere, through the darkest of moments, through the lousiest of times, through the worst kind of misery you can imagine living in. You CAN persevere, despite the chemical imbalances, the lack of fairness in life, without anyone helping.... all the while recognizing you have control over your mood, your body, and your life.... especially if you don't care...

 

BAD MANAGERS

Have you or DO you work for a bad manager? What makes him or her bad? In my work life, I have had many examples...

The Mask – This guy/gal seems like a great person to work for in the beginning. He is bright, upbeat, and maybe even has a sense of humor that you like and look forward to working with. And then..... You work for them and quickly realize how far from reality you have strayed. How could you be so wrong? They seemed positive and uplifting in the interview, but the atmosphere they live in is dark and threatening. They always look to the bad side and it truly gets tiring dealing with the negativity. They seemed compassionate and yet, so clearly they are not. They view people as they would a file cabinet. Once it is no longer useful, replace it with another. They manage by demeaning their staff, in public or not. They MAKE SURE you know THEY are in charge and most of the ideas that are brought forward are theirs. They are awful to report to, unpredictable to deal with, and will prove to make your future look bright... as you leave for another, hopefully better opportunity.

The Hooker – This bad manager makes policies based solely on money. Do whatever it takes to make the sale. Ethics, in their eyes, are very fluid and it changes with the product they are focusing on at the moment. If they need to pick up the numbers on product A, then by god, the customer will not survive without taking home at least 1! The truth is avoidable, if you don't mention the details that enable the customer to make an informed decision. Just give them what we make most money on and don't mention anything, even if it brings with it, benefits that the customer will not know he has. That way, he won't be coming back for a freebie. Working for a hooker is unbearable for those who value honesty, integrity, and joy in the workplace. You WILL find joy.... hopefully in the NEXT opportunity you are able to take, somewhere else!

The Resultinator – This man/woman doesn't manage people. He manages results. That's a wonderful theory.... except for one thing – results are based on what WAS, not what is coming. Logic would tell you that managing something that has already been done is like buying today's winning lottery numbers tomorrow and expecting to win. It will bring nothing positive because whatever the task is, it's not good enough. All the effort the staff puts towards achieving success is instantly deflated when the bad manager insists there was more to be done. It wasn't good enough. More! More! More! Like a treadmill that constantly gets faster, eventually you will be thrown off, and when you are, the NEXT opportunity that comes your way is going to seem so much better and more fulfilling. Here's hoping it IS.

The Dangerfielder – This clueless manager doesn't respect his people or what they do or their role in his own success. He tries to make you feel inept and uncomfortable in his presence. He is always complaining that his people are drones and need his guidance and leadership otherwise the ship will sink. Well, the ship WILL indeed sink once all the people who have self-respect and a mind of their own leave and he is left with scared, mindless misfits that can't muster up enough courage to find a better situation to work in. They will never leave, until the bad manager fires them for unsatisfactory performance. He will just keep bringing in more sheep, because to him/her, they are all the same. Next!

The Cheerleader – This outgoing, peppy, and Kool-Aid-drinkin manager doesn't lack for energy. He is the first in, always happy, and puts in long hours, doing what no one really knows. He wants to inspire but for some reason doesn't. He says the words but everyone knows it's empty. He has said it before. Many times. MANY many times. And nothing changes. Why? Because he has no answers. He doesn't KNOW how to play defense but there he is, front row, cheering DEE-FENCE!... DEE-FENCE! Just don't ask him for details. He may have worked for Nike at one time. His only advice is to “Just Do It”. His staff succeeds despite his lack of knowledge and assistance, until the time they NEED help and he has no clue what the answer is. Enjoy the good times, because the BAD IS coming....

The Politician – This clown wears whatever suit it takes to impress his boss. “Yes Sir!” is a phrase heard on every phone call from his superior and he wants the staff to do whatever the BIG boss says, regardless of the consequences. He pushes what he is expected to push and makes it quite obvious in public areas where his head is. He always makes it public what he himself has done to earn the recognition he may or may not deserve. He will tell you that the job you are doing is great, then you hear from someone you may be on the hot seat. You realize he/she is only working for their own interests and does not care about you or your co-workers. Do not shake hands or let him kiss your baby. See them for what they are – irrelevant and decide if this can work out well for YOU. If not, it's time to update the resume.

Henry the 8th – This bad manager has only two tools to use in his belt and he uses them every day with everyone. Threats and intimidation. If he isn't threatening your job he must have already have someone in mind for your job. He doesn't have a nice way to put it but has no problem telling you that your career is in jeopardy if you don't do this or that.. He doesn't follow through most times, so the weight of his words are less and less over time. Eventually you might be able to tune him out but seriously, who wants to work in THAT kind of environment? It's a dark place and you need a tan, fast! Leave on YOUR terms and you will feel a whole lot better about yourself. Leave on HIS and you may be driven to homicide. Or simple assault.

The Cruise Controller – This person has probably been in position for years and doesn't see any reason to change. Things have worked for 20 years so why do something different. They are blind to suggestions and put the “auto” in autopilot. You can time a clock by their actions. This manager is perfect for those businesses that never change. Oh wait, there AREN'Y any!

There are many more types but these are the ones I actually had the misfortune to work with. I learned though, and as a manager myself, I did my best to NOT do what these seat-warmers did. They were great teachers in that respect.

Ironic that the ONE thing they were good at, they were not actually trying to do...

IS IT TOMORROW YET???

This day is shit...
One of the worst in memory
Can't wait till it's over
Is it tomorrow yet?

There is no cure
for this pain I am feeling
But I have to think
there's an end in sight

The lingering doubt
has a mind of it's own
repeating to me
tomorrow is always a day away

Yet, without this hope
what would I do?
All I can think of...
Is it tomorrow yet?

When it comes
There will be a brand-new start
to a brand-new life
or at least a brand-new me

One that laughs at the agony
of going left not right
when right was right all along
Is it tomorrow yet?

It's NOT Enough to Ask “What If?”....

One of the biggest changes in my life happened when I was very young. I decided I was tired of dealing with the question "What If?".

In the past, if I wouldn't do something and then regret my inaction, I would torture myself because I made no effort. I would try and explain to myself that it wasn't meant to be, it shouldn't be so hard, or it wouldn't have worked anyway. I would think that life isn't fair and that everyone else had it better than me. Makes me sick just thinking about it.

Some of those situations involved females, some were about not playing sports, some were for just not joining in or finishing what I started. When I finally changed my ways, it was very liberating. To try-and fail, is so much better than not trying at all.

Amazing things started happening.. I found that, when I gave a concerted effort, not only did it answer the question "What If?", it also made me feel better about myself. I didn't feel the jealousy I felt before. I was okay looking in the mirror and comfortable with my capabilities and limitations.

I finally got a girlfriend and then another and another (that's a different story!).... I started bowling more seriously and was better than average.... I traveled to places I only dreamed of...

With my new-found confidence, it allowed me to strive for more at work as well. Eventually I got into the insurance business and found that sales fit me, met hundreds of memorable people, and enjoyed my life far more than I would have ever expected.

I've had many opportunities, and although I'm not keeping score, I know there's many, many more failures then there are successes. If that sounds bad it shouldn't. I don't mind failing as long as I tried my best.

None of this would have happened if I only thought, "What If?" and did nothing.....

EMBRACE, ACCEPT, MOVE ON....

I have a good friend that I've said those same words to a hundred times. I was thinking, today is a good day to share with everyone else.

This is a process of handling problems. It's simple, easy to understand, requires no medication, no self-inflicted torture, no deals with the devil, yet will ease the pain of not knowing what to do. Full disclosure – I am NOT a professional head doctor nor do I practice voodoo. I am just like you - a victim of my own, awful, sometimes destructive behavior. When I had something come up, I would analyze it to death. WHY? WHY? WHY?

Then I realized, “why” is irrelevant. Most times the issue involved a young lady who didn't like me or some other seemingly-terrible issue that I could do nothing about. When the catastrophe happens just think of these words...

EMBRACE – This means you must take ownership of whatever it is that bothers you. The irritation shouldn't cripple you, depress you, or annoy you to tears. It's OK to be affected, just not to the point of personal paralysis. You should embrace your reaction, as it is a GOOD thing to feel emotions! If you have the blues, enjoy doing nothing constructive, watch some sappy movies, eat some chocolate marshmallow ice cream and KNOW that the feeling is very temporary. No matter if there is death in the family or you are sitting on the side of the road while the police officer writes you a ticket, there is no problem that can't be resolved one way or another, no alcohol required!.

ACCEPT – This is where we tend to fall short. Accepting the cause of our displeasure is the magic pill in curing the unhappiness in our life. I recently had an issue with Mom. She REALLY made me angry by the choices she was making. It was bad enough that I had to step away from it. As usual, when I have time on my hands, the mind never stops thinking! My conclusion was to follow my own advice – It was MY problem so I accepted her decision and moved on. Embrace, accept, move on....

If you made a bad decision, accept that fact, know YOU were responsible, and don't try and explain it away as someone else's fault. Hopefully you thought about the possibility of it not working out quite like you wanted BEFORE you did what you did. Accept that it was a learning experience, and you wouldn't do it again.

When heartbreak rears it's ugly head, you have to accept that a relationship takes TWO people to work, so if one of them isn't into it, there IS NO RELATIONSHIP. Accept the fact you can't do ANYTHING about it or accept you have done EVERYTHING you COULD do, Either way, the next step is to....

MOVE ON – The hardest part is to move on. We might have worked hard at a project or a person, and, now matter how much sweat we put into it, we fail. If you TRULY know you did all you can do, you have to move on. If it's out of your control, move on. Why torture yourself with feelings that will not change a thing? Why feel bad when you SHOULD be celebrating a good effort? Why be crushed when you did your best and things didn't work out like you thought they should?

All of this is so logical, right? So why don't we do it?

Why DO we drop into the pit of despair and wallow in it until we drink too much prescription booze, lose our jobs from calling in hung-over, lose our apartments because we lost our jobs, and have friends in our face performing an intervention at our box (not homeless yet, if you have a box!) on the corner of Second and Elm?

We know better....

Embrace, accept, move on.

NEMESIS

Have you ever had a nemesis? Someone who was there to remind you that life isn't fair. Someone who you wished awful things would happen? I had one.

I saw him last night after many, many years.

I was catching up with Joel, an old friend from grade school, and, who walks in but Billy Baumbach. Picture Woody Harrelson only with a much tougher life. I couldn't believe it. I have been thinking of this guy for years, not in a bad way, but with the purpose of learning more about him. Why had he turned to drugs? Why had he not learned anything the first three times in jail? Why did he do what he did?

Billy was a great athlete, his best sport being baseball. He could pitch with the ferocity of an angry badger. He was feared among hitters because he had, at age 13, a curveball that you thought was going to kill or at least hurt real bad. He was an All-Star among All-Stars and had the attitude to match. Not arrogant, but downright mean and you KNEW he would enjoy seeing pain on your face, especially if HE caused it. I learned over the years to hate him.

My hate sprung not from any one incident, but from years of torture and attempted humiliation. I would be teased by him and others for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was my birthmark, my appearance, and body type. NOT a Greek god, more like the village idiot. I was very naïve about life in general and could not understand why people acted like they do.

You might think that was unfortunate, but I have to say, in retrospect, I was gifted the opportunity to grow from humble beginnings socially to where I am today – only mildly stunted! I know there were some kids that were scarred for life and never recovered, and that is a shame.

To start life down and grow up is far better than being a superstar very young and trying to maintain that level as you age. It is almost impossible to NOT be crippled in some form by too much success and easy competition. I think I got the better end of the stick.

It wasn't EASY by any means but the reason I overcame it all was through my accepting me as me. I worked on the things I could, and dealt with what I couldn't by laughing. No pain can be given if you beat them to the punch. I'm sure I wouldn't have been the class clown if my life was without difficulties. My humor may be debatable, but enough folks have smiled to let me know its a good thing.

Slowly but surely, I gained enough self-esteem to function as a human being in a cruel world. This not only made me tougher, but it gave me compassion for anyone that may view themselves as less than they are. It seems like good training for this adventure called life.

And life in school was sometimes very, very tough. I can remember times when the depression hit so hard that I could not imagine being happy ever again. I would stay in my room for weeks on end, losing myself in music and dreams. I hated I was ugly. I hated I wore coke-bottle glasses. I hated no one seemed to care about me. I was a mess. I'm sure there are medications to take these days, but I had to persevere using my own devices.

When I was really young, I would ride my bike for hours on end. I was the winner of every race. I would play football in the backyard by myself (how in the heck did I do that and NOT get committed???) I scored the winning touchdown every time. In my mind I was everything I was not. A jock, the big man on campus, anyone but me.

Joel knew Billy and they shook hands and exchanged how-you-beens. I was smiling when Joel asked Billy if he remembered me. All he seemed to recall was that I was a cop (Yea, THAT again!). I wasn't surprised. I finally got to admit to my nemesis, what I had thought about him for decades. I asked if he remembered any of the most significant events in my younger years – hitting a triple off him in Little League. Nope. Didn't remember. Getting pummeled (every day of practice) by the senior basketball team that he was on. Nope. Any of the torture I endured? Nothing.

I admitted that for many years, he was the only person on earth I truly hated and why. He laughed it off. I bought him a drink and realized that years ago, when I let go of this rotten emotion I had with this guy, I KNEW he placed no importance on any of the things that were brutal to me. That made it easier to accept for some reason. I'm sure there's a deep-rooted psychological manifestation involved. I just moved on.

I hope to see Billy again and listen to the stories, understand the decisions, and appreciate the role he had in making me, me.

I'm doing OK.

My Poor Oakland Raiders

Seems I am in a "listing" phase all of a sudden....

I am watching my poor Oakland Raiders try and play the mighty Packers and something that Thomas Edison said comes to mind...

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

It's easy to just give up and wave the white flag. But does THAT fix the problem? Does it make it go away? Of course not. One of humanity's greatest strengths is to persevere.

So why does it seem that we have given up on....

… peace in the middle-east
… demanding more from our government
… prosecuting those theives who have STOLEN from the public and created this economy
… the idea that the MIDDLE CLASS made the United States great
… “Made In America”
… voting
… creating interesting shows on TV that are NOT reality or CSI related
… being comfortable with a “few extra pounds”
… corporations that do NOT rip off consumers
… eating brussel sprouts (OK, that's maybe just ME!!!)
… smiling at strangers
… using common sense while driving
… being better human beings
… putting enough cheese on the pizza
… a limit on the maximum size screen a TV can have
… inventing a better system for our computers so “windows” can be thrown out one
… making our children fear anything
… treating celebrities like the normal human beings that they are
… believing small business is more important than the “too-big-to-fail” ones
… fighting the idea that speed cameras are the tools of the devil
… experience counts more than a college degree
… retiring early
… cheaper cell phone bills
… expecting a Kardashian to seem likeable
… spending less than we make
… thinking gas will become cheap again
… getting a raise meant you had more $$$$$$
… stamps WON'T go up every year
… stopping the continual shrinking of print on everything I read!!!
… term limits for senators and representatives
… a hi-lite on ESPN that doesn't include stupid people proving they are
… a cure for the common cold
… area 51 being open to the public
… religious differences are ok
… thinking a life of risk-taking is a good choice
… expecting the Redskins to make it into the playoffs

I could go on and on, but putting you to sleep is NOT The goal. The point of all this is to say the obvious – if something is worth the effort and the reward is worth the effort, and the effort is going to be a challenge, don't give up! There is light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be what you expect, but the journey is a reward in itself.

What is difficult in your life now that seems to be such a hurdle you can't imagine how you will climb it? Whatever it is, you CAN.

I keep telling myself that, and I'm sure the Raiders are telling themselves that, but they still lost by 30.........

The game might be over but the season goes on.

Great, Good, and Bad days separated by a moment....

I just got done watching “Love and Other Drugs” and it got me to thinking about happy and sad days.... the ones that linger.... the ones that are burned into our memory and won't fade away. The sheer number of each surprises me...

THE SAD

the day we “humanely” ended Tina's life

my first day to school with glasses

the day before and the day of having my appendix removed

the day I got caught stealing

attending Gail's funeral

the day I heard Mom's voice telling me to come home, Dad had died

the day I let a pop fly go over my head

the day I left Duke go to a new family

the day I came home, scraped and bruised and all Dad says is that I can't even ride a bike

the day I realized I was average in seemingly EVERYTHING

the day I had to tell my in-laws that their daughter and I were getting a divorce

the day Elvis died

when I went to the dance with my new platform sneakers and matching hat

the day I realized Vanessa was never coming back to me

the day I wished all the people on earth would just disappear

the day I realized the my ex-in-laws didn't care about me anymore

Heyward's funeral when his son broke down sobbing

the meeting I held to say goodbye to my District in Philly

when Duke was hit by a car

the day when I drove to Toledo to meet someone special and she didn't want to see me

the “immaculate reception”

the first and only home run hit off me as a pitcher

the day when I realized I would never see my Uncle Roger again

the day I lost Ana

when I knew I wasn't picked for the Jr High school basketball team

when I knew I wasn't like John Wayne

Middletown vs Berwick in the 1st state championship

telling Sonia I fell for Vanessa

when Virginia stuck me with the bill for fixing her car

a week after getting married I knew I made a mistake

wrecking my first new motorcycle

THE HAPPIEST

my first kiss

the night before leaving Germany

when I lost my wallet in NYC and a construction worker helped me out

my first visit to a strip club

taking Carolyn on a shopping spree

seeing Niagara Falls

visiting Graceland

my first game I pitched

flying to Florida to get engaged

the first day I posted my blog

bowling 300...twice!

Finding my glasses after losing them neck-deep in the ocean

waking up before Duke and he is sleeping beside me snoring...

having Mom see her son earning awards at convention

buying my Acura

the day Vanessa told me she would marry me

finding my “happy place”

the first time I had sex (all 12 seconds of it! Thanx Jodi!)

when my Aunt Nancy told me Uncle Roger really cared about me

winning dodgeball in 9th grade against the seniors

finding Duke after he ran away

when I found out I officially broke the record for sales


As I look at this list, I am reminded that each and every one of these days were normal ones that would quickly be forgotten. The routine of life is broken up by very few things. A tragedy, a bad decision, or other rotten thing makes it not such a great day, but hopefully one that we can learn from and become a better version of ourselves. It's the bad that makes us who we are and dealing in a positive way is the key to happiness.

Anyone can handle the good days. They are easy. We love to smile and laugh and have joy envelope us like a blanket we never want to get out from under.

But....

That's not reality. We are one moment, one split second away from adding to our list of good days. The reality is ALSO, we are one moment, one split second away from ending our days bad as well. Remember THAT while the tears flow, while the heart breaks, while we swim in the pool of despair...

…. one moment, one split second to go until the tears are dry, the heart begins to heal, and we reach for that blanket once again....

Who am i kidding???????

I spoke to Vanessa today. It was very unexpected, but I must admit, it made my day brighter.

I have to remind myself this is the same woman that changed the course of my life. She let me see how good things could be, then tore it all away. She is the cause for my highest highs, and my lowest lows.

And yet......

I told her "I hate to admit... I'll always and forever be in love with you V... forever"

What is wrong with me?

I was saddened to hear that she is not happily married. My version of the perfect life has ALWAYS included marrying Vanessa. To have and to hold, till death do us part, nothing would have made me happier than becoming Mr & Mrs. To wake up every morning to her would be better than winning the lottery.

I told her I saw pictures of her family and I've laughed at the fact her husband isn't wearing a smile In ANY of them. The reality is, it ripped what was left of my heart to shreds knowing it was not me she would say her vows to.

When I saw her pictures of being pregnant, I told her I was hurt briefly. How funny is that? What I should have told her was the truth.... All hope was lost.

In all my crazy thoughts, I always believed one day she would realize I was a perfect fit for her and she would finally be mine. She would be happier than she could ever dream and the smile of knowing my love would never leave her face. It was all gone when I saw she was living my dream without me. Someone else was doing the things I fantasized about.... Spending time with the kids, helping her be more successful in her professional life, and mostly, just giving my love and life to the family I wanted, I needed, the one I would die for.

I wanted to die....

But I knew that lacked courage. The easy way out. I've never taken that path! I had to do better.

So I tried to move on. I dated, I mingled, I kept busy and tried to convince myself I was "over it" but.....

I know I never will.

She asked me if I was still upset with her.... I told her " It makes me a little sad knowing you aren't as happy as I wanted to make you. My picture of us was very different than you imagined...."

"I've said many times you were the love of my life.... I just wish I would have been the love of yours...."

All she could say was, "Im sure and I now realize. :-( "

That's all it took to erase the pain. A few words to awaken the soul that was wounded so long ago...

What Is wrong with me?

I'm hopelessly in love with a woman that doesn't feel the same... Has never felt the same.... Will never feel the same.

It would make a lousy movie

THAT NOT-SO-MAGICAL MOMENT...

There are times in all our lives that are memorable, both good and bad. Seems the bad fades away over time and the good just keeps getting gooder! I want to always remember the time when it all made perfect sense...

I wasn't working for a while and was running out of money. I never thought I would be in this bad of shape as I had made plenty in the years before, but only saved some. You know - you have to LIVE a little!!!!! I was single and for those of you who don't know - the single life is E-X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E. I dated a lot and had my fun. The stories are priceless, but they don't pay the bills and mine were piling up. I had no income, rent was going to be due in a few days, no prospects, and hope was draining from my soul.

I had always tried to stay positive as I knew my life was better than most. No complaints. I had been in the DC area for three years and it was ok, if not a bit solitary. One of the things I noticed in the big cities is the way people seem to be so disposable. I guess that makes sense when there are so many in a large metropolitan area. No reason to invest much in anyone when you have a replacement standing by. So it gets lonely sometimes, especially when times are tough. You don't think the same and it can get dangerous.

I had a moment when I was walking around the neighborhood, that everything was crystal clear. I was going to take what little money I had and drive to California, as I had never been there before. Just leave. Don't take anything with me, don't call anyone, leave the cell phone and all my things behind. Just drive. Get to the Pacific, smell the ocean, get back in the car, drive to the desert, and go for a walk that I did not plan on returning from. It made so much sense. It would keep me from dealing with my problems and pain and loneliness. The perfect answer..... except for the sanity part! It was at that moment, when I didn't have anywhere to turn, when I had no hope, no answers, that I woke up and said to myself - "self, get over it and DO something about it!" It was not like me to go down in defeat without a fight and I haven't even begun.

In contemplating this plan and the unanimous rejection of it, I saw how folks can get so down they think they have no options. I understood how rational things SEEM, yet no one else would agree. I wish everyone would be able to sink so low that despair only happened on a good day, if only for a moment.

It's only then you can be TRULY thankful for what you have, even if it's only the air in your lungs. Things can be replaced, careers can start over, relationships can begin anew, but dreams go for a lifetime and I realized that I had way too many to look forward to to stop now.

My dreams are there for me stronger than ever. They get me through the times when clouds seem to hang around a little too long. I am reminded of that day when insanity ruled - and my victory over it....