HOMOSEXUALITY... and traffic tickets

What concerns should heterosexuals have towards homosexual human beings?

 None.

Is this going to be the shortest posting ever on here? Nope.

I just find it amusing and embarrassing that so-called normal people have such strong feelings on folks with a different orientation than them. I'll come right out and say I can't stomach the thought that our inept and corrupt government decides who can and can't be married or enjoy the benefits fully. They can't keep their own house in any order, why should they tell me how to live in mine? I had an experience years ago that crystallized my feelings on the subject.

I was living in Texas at the time and met a cool Trekkie fan we will call Ray, since his name was Ray. He was excited about the new movie coming out, Star Trek V – The Final Frontier. We talked a lot about many things beyond space, and I was happy to have someone to call a friend in this part of the country. I knew NO ONE except my step-sister and her husband, and it had gotten a little lonely. I had come to Texas because of a situation with my drivers license.

The statute of limitations has run out, so I can now admit that, while living in PA, I had an unfortunate series of events (speeding, evading and eluding, more speeding) that put my license in serious jeopardy. I'll take “suspended for a whole year” Alex. In looking back, I can feel lucky that all that happened in the old days, because if it happened TODAY, I wouldn't have gotten off so easy. The comical portion of the story was provided by the Police themselves.

I know we've gone far off track, but stay with me here....

I was riding my motorcycle one afternoon, and saw in my mirror, flashing red and blue lights... CRAP! Not again.... I happened to own the fastest motorcycle made at the time, and in one quick, stupid decision, I twisted the throttle and sped off, going well over 150 mph to keep from getting yet ANOTHER ticket. He wasn't going to catch ME. Well, it turned out he didn't NEED to.

He had a bunch of friends join in our little excursion. Unbeknownst to me, as I was rounding a curve and blowing past a bus, thinking I was home-free, this wonderful peacekeeper called in the troops. Usually, as I was told later, they are too busy to join the fun, but as my luck always seemed to run out quickly in those days, they were all available and eager to meet me asap, and explain the meaning of life going forward.

I was five miles or so down the road from where I took off and I exited where I thought was clear of any law enforcement – as usual, I was wrong. They must have laughed at this dumb dumb on a fast bike, thinking he could outrun a radio. I couldn't see risking any innocent bystanders out and about on these side streets so I just pulled over and figured I could outwit Barney Fife. Wrong AGAIN. They had gotten my license plate number and I was toast. The handcuffs came out, since I was obviously a hoodlum, they put me in the cruiser, and immediately realized, they had locked the keys in the car with me!

I had to laugh despite my rather gloomy circumstances.... They tried a number of ways to open the door but finally gave up and got someone to drive over to the station for the spares. I volunteered, but they didn't think that was too funny.

I had my license suspended before and couldn't stand the thought of not driving for another whole year, so I ultimately found a not-so-legal way of staying on the road – I moved to Texas. The Longhorn State, at THAT time, didn't share much information with others about driving, least of all mine. I could get a license in Texas, turn in my license in to Penn Dot, start the suspension, and keep driving down south until it was completed. Great plan right?

[note to self: if I get to go back in time, remind ME that my plans usually were el stupido.... and to invest in Home Depot in 1981]

Anyhoo....

Ray and I hung out a while, he showed me his garage that he was trying to convert into the bridge of the Enterprise (red flags SHOULD have been going off, but I was very naïve at that time, just recently coming out from momma's skirt). He was cool. He owned a business, had the latest gadgets, and we could relate on many levels.

We went to the sneak-preview of Trek in San Antonio, despite the fact we had no tickets! The local radio station was holding the event, so we just happened to show up while the line was forming and snuck in while no one was looking. We were real rebels. Unfortunately, our third wheel, who I later learned was actually Ray's boyfriend, didn't make the show. He either didn't go when we crept in or was too afraid to follow. Either way, he had to wait until the movie was over as Ray had been the driver. This didn't put him in a good mood, not only missing the show but having his special someone with a new stranger....

Of course, I was oblivious to it all. I had no clue, until....

 Ray wanted to take me to a bar that he said had a “mixed crowd”. I was looking forward to going since I liked to look at ladies in all shapes, sizes, and colors.... you know a MIXED crowd! I had my suspicions that he was not of the girl-watching type, but it didn't matter to me. He was cool. Well.... when we walked in to this club, and I saw the “mixed crowd” that Ray had talked about, it confirmed what I thought might be true. My new friend ray was gay. There was a mixed crowd for sure. Ladies hugging ladies, men hugging men. My eyes were wide open! This actually didn't matter at all to me until he started giving me the sales pitch – you know, “try it, you might like it”

..... uhhhhhhhh..... errrrrrrrr....

 Poor naïve me didn't have any other way to say that lifestyle was NOT me. I told him, “I like girls, even if they don't usually like me”.... Just like Ray preferred the people he was attracted to, so was I attracted to who I was attracted to. Not the same, just different. I wasn't going to take this for a test drive, and I wasn't going to be upset that someone would want me to. No big deal.

 Ray gave up after a bit and we lost touch, unfortunately, but I know he probably ended up happy and content, as he was that kind of guy. I doubt he stayed with the whats-his-name that I knew. They were quite a mismatch.

When I look back on this, my first real experience in knowing a gay anybody, it was very clear that it just wasn't important to me who they wanted to be with. If they were cool, they were cool. I also believe that, if they want to marry, they should be able to, without anyone or any thing standing in their way.

 I had the unfortunatality to be a witness to guys getting angry about someone possibly being gay in the lockeroom in junior high. It was quite a spectacle. I didn't have a clue why these couple of guys, the popular ones, would get agitated at the thought someone in there didn't like girls. How pathetic, even at 13.

Obviously the stupiditity remains as we are still dealing with a lot of misunderstanding from the gay community. It has seemingly gotten more accepted, but I am hardly someone who knows much about that. If you don't walk in someone's shoes, you can't really know how good/bad things are. I don't pretend to know.

I just hope to live long enough that we don't dislike, or fear, or hate anyone strictly by appearance or preference. That's the dumbest thing of all....

MARRIAGE

Marriage....

It's a word that gets a different reaction from many people. For some it brings back awful memories of pain, mistrust, and bad cooking. For others it is the most wonderful thing about life, with the closeness, the security, and the comfort of a special mate. Some want to have another go at it even after their first ended in complete destruction, others will run at the first mention of it. I don't think I ever discussed mine.....

Once upon a time there was this unhappy, insecure, and foolish man (me).

The end.

Or so I thought....

The day I saw my fair maiden was the day my life made a U-turn. Of course, it was at the bowling alley. Her hair was amazing and she smiled often, I just had to try and talk to her. So I did.... It was a surprise she talked back, since most humans without the "y" chromosome that smiled at me were, in fact, being polite and hoping I would just go away. If I didn't, they probably had a backup plan of joining the Peace Corps and moving to Bolivia. Since she didn't book any flights to South America, I figured there might be a chance to get this pretty, college-educated, too-good-for-me young lady to go out...

Fast forward 5 months or so, and we were in Las Vegas getting married!

Almost like the movies!

I know, I know.... It wasn't long enough to REALLY get to know anyone...

blah blah blah....

Back in those days, I was a different sort of fellow. On top of the aforementioned unhappy, insecure and foolish, I was also going nowhere. (Plus I would have never used the word "aforementioned" in a sentence or in a drunken stupor) I had crap jobs at crap places and no future, unless I could have dug up a pile of doubloons buried by pirates hundreds of years ago, which, unfortunately, didn't happen since Pennsylvania wasn't a buried-treasure-state in those days and I wasn't digging around.... sigh...   

Anyhoo....

I always lived in Fantasyland when it came to relationships. I expected too much of the other person and when they inevitably gave up trying to be the person I wanted them to be, I just saw it as being "taken for granted" and it was time to leave. It happened more than once and when I finally realized, many years later, the TRUTH, I felt awful for everyone I spent time with.

This being said, things happen fast when you reside in Fantasyland. Since you don't have to deal with silly little things like reality or lost socks, one never thinks too far ahead. Life is easy if you don't concern yourself with tomorrow. I was REALLY stupid....

Through no fault of her, we separated a few years later, divorced some time after that, then I stopped being a dum dum and discovered my happy place. Relationships have never been the same since. Since I wasn't that needy anymore, I could enjoy the other person, as they were, making it much easier to have fun together. While I have not married since, that doesn't mean I am not open to it. or look forward to it. Or think about it.

Or know about it.

In all my failures and successes with the opposite sex, there are a few things I can say about the things leading to marriage, with some certainty.

You will see what you want to see, and ignore what you DON'T want to see.

In the beginning of a relationship, you can't believe how perfect that special someone is. How they seem to have instantly been a longtime friend, and it's difficult to remember your life before them. It's "charming" when they have quirks and the things you don't really care for, they will stop because they care for YOU the same way you care for THEM. You can't talk enough, you miss them when they aren't around, and your life together will be legendary, books will be written about the love between you, and eventually, not one of these things will end up being true. Hmmmmmmmm.....I know that sounds cynical, but we are channeling our inner cynicalness at the moment....

The amount of time you wait to have sex has no direct relation to success or failure.

I can't say I ever saw sex as anything more than a special time with someone you care about. The depths of caring may be different with each person. The reasons you WANT to have sex may be different with each person. To me, intimacy is just another layer to this wonderful human experience. Ask a couple married 50 years if the reason they stayed together was because she "made him wait". I would be surprised if they even remember the situation. What counts more is the kind of person you have chosen to spend your remaining years with, and also your ability to recognize when dundumness takes you over. You can learn about your potential better-half by keeping your eyes wide open and not sweating at the first sight of a nice set of abs. There are no guarantees they will STAY that same person, but the odds are more in your favor if you stay on course and don't detour to Fantasyland. Sex has very little to do with it. Unless you choose to make it a big deal.

The more people you date, the less chance you will be swept off your feet by some ape in a nice suit.

I am NOT saying be loose and free. I AM saying that you should be open to the idea that Mr Perfect might just be a lil less. If you compare him with someone else, you may find your definition of perfect is in need of refinement. If you are pulling apples out of a tree and you come across one that is not so great, you will leave it be, right? Do yourself a favor and don't limit yourself to one possibility.

Most romance-type movies are NOT based on real-life.

I used to live by the story of George Burns and Gracie Allen. He met Gracie while she was engaged to another man. Four years went by until he finally convinced her to marry him. They were together when she passed away 38 years later. I used this as proof that, if I tried hard enough, I could convince the girl of my dreams that I was the guy of hers. Even as I write this out, I have to chuckle. What an idiot.

Two people are just that - two individuals that have their own thoughts and ideas. You may or may not have the power of persuasion, but you have to know when to admit defeat. There's a fine line between romancing and annoying. I know. I've been the dum dum that thought she was Gracie and I was coming over for dinner.

Those folks who know me real well will be surprised to hear me say all this. I LOVE romance movies, the idea of love at 61st sight is kind of cool. In reality, I've learned that if she don't like you on Sunday, the chance is pretty good she won't think much different on Friday, no matter what you do.

We all want good, honest, interesting mates.

...so why do we settle for people who treat us with no respect and have questionable character? That doesn't sound interesting to ME. I used to wonder why we take the "stupid" pill at times and spend years dealing with the effects. My conclusion, totally unscientific and unsupported - we are naturally stupid at times. Even the brilliant ones. The beauty of being human is in our reactions to failure. Anyone can sail through the parts of life that hold no challenges. Maybe this is what finding a significant other is meant to be. A challenge. It certainly is, with or without the pill.

We don't look at a resume or credit report before we get serious

Some people do, but I am betting most just assume if he can pay for dinner, he must be doing ok. Reality may be far, far worse. This is one area that we shouldn't compromise. Money troubles will END the best of couples. Why take a chance on YOU being one of them? Exploring in this area would drastically reduce issues coming up later I'm sure. Everyone usually has a time or two where things don't go financially well. How we deal with it when it's in our face speaks volumes about who we are as a person. Go on... explore.

Giving someone the space to explore things/interests on their own does not mean you don't care

I have a cousin who seems to be out and about all the time. He has hobbies he is passionate about and takes the time to do them. Without the understanding and loving wife he has, life for my him would not be nearly so good. Did they have any conversations about this before the wedding day? Knowing these guys, I bet they recognized it long before that joyous occasion. 

I know that "alone time" is important for most of us. Not only does it recharge our minds and spirit, it supports our image of ourselves being independent individuals, not trapped in the label of "married couple"... not that there is anything wrong with that!

We don't set the bar high enough

In my situation,  insecurities led to my marrying someone that I shouldn't have. Most people with issues have a tough time making good decisions. The more and deeply rooted those issues are, the less life-altering decisions we should be making! It's tough to function when we have such a low self-esteem . In my case, here was a pretty, college educated, not-insane woman wanting to exchange vows... with ME! How could I say no???? Devoid of my insecurity, the results would have been different, I'm sure. I would have spent more time in a committed relationship with her, so I could see what kind of good AND the bad things would develop. I certainly would have noticed those key elements that led to our parting. In retrospect, most of us recognize the reasons we failed, long before the actual end. More than a few could honestly say, those same things were there at the beginning. We didn't set the bar high enough, for whatever reason, to move on before any ceremony could take place.

LOVE is a 4-letter word.

Love can be both the best of times, and the worst of times. (Thank you Mr Dickens)... He might as well been talking about man and wife instead of two cities. A spouse can be a part of our greatest days but also be responsible for our worst of nights. Makes me wonder why we pursue it so strongly. Maybe it's in our DNA. Maybe it's just a side-affect to the additives in our mayonnaise. Whatever it is, love is such a high we are willing to risk an awful, crushing defeat vs the idea of finding it for real. Speaks volumes, I think, to our hope as a species. Or dumdumness.

There is much more that can be said, and I'm sure I will add to this topic sometime soon... In the meantime, don't settle for just good-enough.