MARCH 8, 2025

Alone.

That's how I spent Mom's birthday this year, the first without her. It felt like a cloud was hanging over me, even though I know it was all because of how I was remembering the past. And the future without her. 

The memories as a kid are far different, measured by a kids perspective. 

I remember the time Dad was upset, the first time I ever seen him cry, and he told Linda and me that Mom had died, but they brought her back, from the hysterectomy she had to have. How different would life have been if she was gone then? I was 6 or 7 at the time, so I can't imagine the path that would have unfolded at that point. 

I remember finding some letters that my biological father wrote to Mom when

we were in Germany. I couldn't believe he didn't want us to come back to Middletown. Mom defended him, saying she wished we could be friends. It was then I looked at him through clearer eyes. He wasn't a good Dad, and I questioned whether he was a good man. In the end, I was happy that he kept his distance. I am better for it, no doubt. 

I remember when I had my accident, playing baseball, and had to go into the hospital for 2 operations to re-attach my retina. She was so concerned, I felt guilty getting hurt. I was 13 and didn't understand the fuss. I was more upset that Elvis died a week later...

I remember getting my drivers license and she was always worried when I was out and about. She would stay up until I was in for the night. I thought that was just silly. I was 16 and felt independent. 

I remember when Mom had had enough of Dad acting mad at everything and she wanted to leave. The more she thought about it, the more she couldn't do

it. She pointed out the good sides of Dad, and why she should stay. He died a few years later and her life was vastly different. Some new exciting things. Some dark awful things. I think she would have preferred Dad to stay longer. The biggest change after he was gone was Mom stopped going to church. She blamed God for her not being home when Dad left. 

I remember, many times, Mom saying how much she would have liked me to meet a "nice little German girl" and live happily ever after. Even when we went to Germany, I STILL couldn't find one... sorry Mom. 

I remember the long walks Mom and I would go on, talking about everything, and seeing her so happy. I wish I would have tried to make her that joyful more often. Eventually, she found the joy, but only after all her memories were erased. 

I remember our first "once in a lifetime trip" together. We spent seven weeks visiting her family and travelling Europe. There was not special time with Mom, up until then. Too bad I lost 15 rolls of film taken during that time.... so many memories lost.

I remember taking Mom on a company trip I earned to Canada. I was so glad I got the opportunity. She went shopping (which she despised!) for a new

wardrobe and was as happy and proud as I ever seen her. Those smiles are burned in my memory, even to this day. To show her that her son wasn't the bum her husbands claimed I was, and the way she was accepted by everyone, clearly showed I made the right decision to bring her along. 

I remember when I got the call from Mom that I needed to come home and help her through a difficult situation with her ex-husband. She was living with him, despite the chaos he brought, thinking she could somehow make it all better. When she finally felt overwhelmed by it all, she got me involved, but it didn't last long. A few months later, she was back. She felt sorry for him, because he had no one to take care of him in declining health. That was Mom's spirit... to take care of someone despite the emotional demolition derby that her life became. 

Right up until she couldn't take his abuse any more. I had to get involved again, this time for good. I could see the relief on Mom right away. She started to be happy again, but all was not as it was before. She had lost a step. Her mind was not clear. Luckily, she never really noticed. I knew this was going to be a long road full of new things to learn. Did I imagine almost 10 years? Nope. 

The decline in the beginning was ok. Conversation was harder to keep going. She didn't have the words any more. But she started to laugh more. She started to enjoy life and smile all the time. That's what I'll remember. Mom smiling.

There's literally hundreds of pictures of Mom after this time. MOST of them show a smiling happy lady loving life. That's what I miss...

So what do I take away from the last 9 years? There were struggles, tears, laughter, and smiles. The fact Mom didn't remember who I was pretty soon after she started to live with me was a bummer. 

I knew I missed the best years. I was determined though, to make Mom's last years her best. I was proud of her my whole life, but no more so than when she started to have challenges, and just battled through them. She stayed the determined, positive person I always knew. 

Did I succeed in surrounding Mom with joy? ? If you look at the pictures, it seems that answer is a resounding yes. 

I hope she can say the same....

HOT ROD

 

I just found out something I dreaded, but knew was coming... my friend Rodney had passed. 

I've known Hot Rod for almost 40 years. He was always good for a story and a LOT of laughs. He had the most interesting life, and was a rough-around-the-edges kind of guy. He loved cars, especially old Fords, Middletown football, and bringing a smile to your face. 

I met him while on my first real, full-time job. He befriended me easily, and even though he was over 10 years older, I saw him as the brother I never had. He knew a lot about a lot of things. He could paint a car or a home. He could fix the plumbing and fix your radiator. He could build you a house, or repair just about anything. He shared his knowledge of history in and about my hometown, and we went to car shows and swap meets along the way. 

He had a tough life, but always persevered. He had been to exotic places, fought in a mindless war, lost many close friends in the passing years, but always managed to laugh about almost everything. When the flood of '72 took almost all of his possessions, he just worked harder to get new stuff. We added up his biggest assets once, many years later, and he couldn't believe that it made him a millionaire. His story was truly, started from nothing and ended up a much beloved and successful man. 

As a small business owner, he had story after story of folks taking advantage of his generosity. He would get mad at himself for allowing people, even ones he knew for decades, to screw him in his wallet. But the thing was, his kindness always extended to those that needed it. Even if he knew he wouldn't get paid. 

I once brought him a customer, who was VERY much in need of a car repair. He told me the job required him to take out most of the interior and would justify a $1500 bill. He only charged her $900, which she immediately complained about and didn't pay. I felt guilty enough that I paid it for her, but it affected our friendship going forward. That was ok. I DIDN'T want to risk my good friend Rodney thinking anything bad of me. 

When he first got sick, he told me his wish was to get past 70 years old. He knew he was lucky to have experienced way more than his share of cool things, so he wasn't greedy. He got his wish plus a few years. 

I think I will go cry now and miss my friend. He was one in a million, and there's no replacing his humor, his support of my sometimes questionable decisions, and his endless stories of the lunacy of the human condition. 

I luv you man.... hope to see you again. I miss you already.

THE WALTONS

I find it funny that people seem to laugh when I admit to watching The Waltons on TV. It may have been a simple show, but with each episode, it confirms the notion that simple can also mean really really good.

I'm old enough to be an original viewer. While I was young, I could appreciate the family love and the educational storylines. Sometimes that story was quite easy - just treat people right. Other times it was a little more deep, like allowing the kids to make mistakes and learn from them.

Grandpa and John-Boy were the two characters that were most beloved, I believe. They both offered different ways to be impressed. One provided the wisdom of ageing and life experiences, the other learning through introduction of new things and situations. 

You had all the children, Mother and Father, Grandma and Grandpa, give a little different perspective for everyone. From the youngest to the oldest, there's a reminder for anyone's childhood. 

Now, not all kids have a good start out in the real world. There's some horrifics stories you here about abuse, bad parenting, or completely absent Mother and Father. I can't imagine the difficulties some children begin their life with. With those challenges, hopefully that youngster can overcome and still flourish, but the odds are not in their favor. The Waltons are a reminder that a close family and a loving atmosphere can exist, even if only for an hour.

I can't count the number of times tears came at the end of an episode, either through happiness or deep sadness for the loss that a fictitious character on TV had. While that may seem stupid to some, it reflects a closeness to those figures that was so easy to have.

If I had to rate the purchases in 2020 from best to worst, obtaining The Waltons complete series on DVD certainly ranks in the top five for the amount of Joy it brings on an almost daily basis. For a few minutes, I can be taken back to when I was still an innocent boy, laying on the floor, watching the Walton family, and wishing mine was as close. 

FRIENDS......AFTER

I was watching the Steve Wilkos Show the other day, and it made me think of a few things. One is Friendship.

I know it's been all of 3 days since I wrote about this topic, but it's is a different kind, with a different history. 

I'm thinking specifically of friendship after relationships. Or even dating. 

A little reminder of my past. I have dated. I have dated younger than me. I have dated older than me. I have dated same age and dated outside my race. Let's just say, I have been lucky to meet many extraordinary ladies, and even luckier to call a few of them friends to this day. 

Then I did the math. 

Holy cow. 

If I go by percentages, the number is low enough to make me question why. Why can't people stay friends after a failed romance? Why, if there was enough interesting about the other, wouldn't you want that person in your life? 

Maybe I am just a bit sensitive about this subject lately. 

As I go back memory lane, there have been opportunities to be forever friends. There have been people I WANTED to be forever more-than-friends. There have been some that wanted the same out of me. There are some that were content to get the free meal. 

The hard part of this examination was this - 5%.

5% is the number of real "friends" I maintained past a relationship. That seems like a very low amount. Super low. Really, Really, low. Right? 

I remember once upon a time, folks thought it was strange that my ex-wife and I were still speaking. Nothing awful broke us up. There was no violence or disrespect. Just two people who should have stayed friends. I couldn't imagine why, a person whom I enjoyed being around, enough to walk down the aisle, why would I NOT want to be able to keep her in my life? Turned out, she was concerned about how her new husband would react and closed the door on THAT. 

Ok.... maybe there would be some jealousy. Perhaps the chance there would be old flames rekindled might bother some. There might be some disappointment still festering from one or another. 

There is so much history that just gets tossed aside and forgotten and I think that is a shame. Who was to blame in my situations? 

Mostly me. Yeah.... no surprise there. Most of my struggles rest squarely on my shoulders. I was horrible before my 30's, been called a serial-dater (among other things) in my 30's, bearable in my 40's, and pretty good in my 50's, but who wants the old fat guy?? At this rate, I should be the perfect husband at around 77....Ugh.

To still be unmarried at this age, and with the ladies in my past that would have made wonderful wives, I can't imagine messing up worse than I've done. And cap it off by staying unfriendly with 95% of them is completely embarrassing in my mind. 

I thought I was a good guy. 

The ones I still know a bit about, made major upgrades after me. Their spouses are better for them in every respect. Their kids are amazing and their lives are rich and full. 

Maybe I should be rethinking this idea further... 

GOODBYE JULY

Another month goes by, but this time I felt reflective....

During the month I found myself -

withdrawing from social media. No reason to blame, just felt like my "isolation time" has begun again. With Mom around, I get very little, so I am not surprised I feel like I need some alone time. 

grumpy... and again, no good reason. My moods in the past would sometimes overwhelm my senses, but that hasn't happened in a long time. I can look back and realize what is happening and deal with it. Even my less-than-stellar outlook during the month I can recognize and make the needed adjustments so Mom doesn't have to be exposed to my blueseyness. 

able to keep Mom happy with less effort than in the recent past. Maybe it had to do with my unhappiness, and seeing how much joy Mom finds in the simple things. Maybe she just reminds me that life at the moment is more about HER than me. Maybe it helps that she doesn't remember my corny jokes and they are fresh every time. 

reading again and liking it. Like most things in my life, I have to have a certain mindset to do things.... like reading. I have a LOT of books yet to be read so no need to go shopping.... The one I am onto now -  a William Shatner autobiography. It's. Good. So. Far. 

working on the truck is still fun, despite the colorful words that were clearly needed to complete the job at hand. If you never hung around a bunch of guys that are working on something mechanical, be prepared to relearn the English language... or just imagine talking in real-life like most comedians talk at work. 

appreciating nature, and actually watching on purpose. More than once I took the time to pay attention and appreciate the sounds and sights of mother nature and her fantastic animal kingdom. From birds to polar bears (OK, I MIGHT not have actually SEEN polar bears, but I watched some videos!) I was smiling as I observed the world around me. 

still wishing the Powerball and MegaMillions people would FINALLY pick the RIGHT numbers... but also comfortable in the idea of NOT playing anymore... NEXT week. Is it greedy to want to win BOTH in the same week??? 

not wanting summer to end. No need to explain THAT one right??? 

Will August be much different??? Stay tuned and find out! 

SCHOOL PICTURES

My goodness don't THESE kids look like they will change the world????

The Kindergarten class seems so long ago...prolly because it was soooooo long ago! My (few) memories are of how nice Mrs Lemon was and how I was teased at home about my attraction to Victoria for what seemed like decades!

I am ashamed to say I can't identify everybody, either because they didn't stay in Middletown or because I am mentally challenged. Each smiling face has a future lived in the following 46 years, some more interesting than others I am sure!

One of the most traumatic instances I recall was a hail storm that I got caught up in, running home from school, thinking I was gonna die! I had no idea what death was or what that meant. All I knew was I didn't want to find out quite yet.

I look into those young eyes and wonder what hopes, dreams, and realities have occurred through the years. I know not every child pictured is still with us. I know not every innocent kid, frozen in time, had a good life. I know not every youngster would want to revisit the past. What would we say if we could have a few minutes to chat with our younger selves? Are we happy with  how we turned out? Did we pause at a fork in the road and wonder what the OTHER choice would have brought? For sure we wouldn't have voted for Nixon.....

The First Grade picture is much more clear. Most of the happy faces you see there stayed in the school system and, like it usually happens, we all went in different directions socially. Some played sports, some were academics, and some (like me!) didn't try as hard at edumacating as we should have.

I remember the desks that still had a spot for an inkwell. I had an unfortunate (or FORTUNATE, which ever way you look at it!) incident around this time that I wrote about [here].

By second grade, life had gotten a bit better for Little Thomas, as I had friends that made it more fun. Paul and Joel were a big part of this school year and going forward. We may have gotten in trouble occasionally, may have not understood WHY we were learning what we learned, and we may have enjoyed recess more than the classroom, but we survived Mrs Schench and the Flood as we moved on to the third grade, prepared to take on the world! It was soon after that I had to start wearing glasses. I felt ugly and the first day I showed up with them, I cried like the insecure child I was.

By this time, we were all pretty much adults.... or so we thought! I had recovered from my unrealized infatuation with Allison and had a meaningful relationship with Yvonne - which at THAT age meant I could say HI and not feel all stupid. Diane was always the "dreamgirl" for me back then, but her future was much better and brighter with Tony. Mrs Megenity was a cool teacher that made class better and when I graduated, it meant going back to a former school and enjoying Mrs Kirkman. She was an understanding and friendly teacher. My time in the fourth grade was fun. I recall kickball games at recess, having my hat stolen and all the running around trying to retrieve it, and feeling like I was part of a group that cared about each other. Good times....

Childhood these days is far different than the laid-back early 70's. We had few concerns back then. Did we have enough money to stop at the candy store? I don't remember much homework, or much drama with school. I wonder why I didn't enjoy it more in later years. I feel for the kids of today as they have so many distractions. Life was simple and stress-free when I was their age and it doesn't seem likely to return to that any time soon.

I've daydreamed what differences there would be if I could have a do-over. Deep down, I know I could have done more to make my life more fulfilling and joyous at that age. As a kid, we don't have enough life experience to teach us about the things that seemingly wreck our little lives. We don't have the perspective to know when a problem was minor as they ALL seemed like the end of the world. We didn't have the knowledge to overcome the obstacles thrown our way, unless we had understanding parents that would guide us.

I think the best advice I could give myself, besides investing in Oracle, is to just enjoy those early years. They go by so fast and once they are gone there is no going back. A one-way ticket to more responsibility, more pressure to do well, and less time to just sit back and be a kid.

I would hope I'd listen to that.....and don't get those platform sneakers with a matching hat.... I just looked silly, not cool.

30,000

I haven't had the urge to post here lately, yet there was another milestone crossed last week that I HAD to acknowledge - 30,000 visits.

I have written in the past on this topic, most recently [here] at 25,000. In THAT one I reviewed the postings I put out (23) and the time frame (6 months). It would be MUCH easier to do that THIS time as I only had 15.

The INTERESTING part of reviewing the past half-year has been the stories on my old high school. They were (by far) the most read of ANYTHING I have written here. It was a nice surprise and I only wish the increased eyes would have meant more feedback.

I had decided way before this that I will write, not for a specific goal or dream, but for what moves me and FOR me. if others like it, all the better. I would LOVE to be able to call myself a TRUE writer and earn a living at it, but it seems that vision might be down a path I avoided.

No worries as I enjoy the words that come out. I ONLY post what I think is worthy of someone's time and believe me, MANY have NOT passed the test! I wrote about holidays (Memorial Day, Valentines Day, and Black History Month), wrote to Tesla and my President, ABOUT Mom, Stacy Dash and wildlife, dreams and demons. I still try to entertain, even if it's only ME reading.....

I think that Facebook has relieved much of my voice. I speak on there in short reply's or opinions. I thought about doing more postings from what I write there, but I am torn by the differing formats. FB is a quick-hit, where here is more involved and deeper... I think.

The past 6 months have been nothing to complain about. Mom and I have visited many places and met some cool people along the way. She REALLY likes travelling and it seems to be therapeutic. She truly is happier than I ever remember in her entire life and my task is to see that continue for as long as I can. There is no way of knowing how far this degradation will go. She is like having a youngster around, so I have no issues with THAT of course! hahaha

I can see Mom dominating most everything for a while and that is OK. I can take a backseat to her just as she did when I was young. Paybacks, in this case, are quite alright.

MEMORIAL DAY

Look closely at the picture left and you will see names engraved  - yes, it was my first trip to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial years ago.

Many stories are being told this weekend about war, those lost, and more (such as on our local Penn Live [here] and they NEED to be told. Even more, they need to be LISTENED to. In the years I have posted my ramblings here, I have never really wanted to voice an opinion on the subject. I am completely baffled why, in these supposedly "enlightened" times that we can't love and respect one another, appreciating our differences and welcoming our many similarities. Sadly, we are not there.... not even close. It is disheartening.

You hear all the time about the cost of conflicts measured in billions of dollars, but today it is measured in casualties AND survivors. They BOTH matter and BOTH need to have their time served on our minds.

I tried to enlist in military service when I was young. The times were tough, jobs were NOT readily available, and it seemed my future was going nowhere. I knew it would be challenging to have authority figures who were NOT my parents telling me which leg to put in my pants first. I wasn't sure I could seriously consider it, but I went to the recruiting center anyway. I asked them, "If I pass the aptitude test for aircraft mechanic, can you guarantee me the position?" Well, it turns out they COULD have but the young man I spoke to THAT day said no, so I left without much thought. It may have been the single most life-altering moment in my life. I just didn't know it.

I wouldn't have gotten into the insurance business, seen my capabilities grow in directions I never imagined, meeting so many fine folks along the way, I can't even begin to count how many. I wouldn't have lived in Philly or DC, experiencing all that the area and it's people had to offer. I might not have took that "once in a lifetime" trip to Germany with Mom and met my relatives, many of which are now gone.

Would it have been just as enlightening? Perhaps. Would there have been dangers that I may have had to endure? I doubt it. Not then. If I stayed in for decades then it might have been different, but who knows what the unchosen future would have revealed. I like to think I am the same person who strives for more and that may have led to promotions, just as in my real life. I would have seen more of the world, although I traveled a lot. I would have had challenges to overcome that I couldn't imagine now.

Sitting here today, I feel the same heartache as I walked up to "the Wall" the very first time. Tears came out so easily and unexpectedly. Of course I knew about this monument. It was a wall. Nothing prepared for the realization of all those PEOPLE.... the names stretched far into the distance.... each one had family, friends, maybe even kids that saw them go off, hoping they would return soon. The day that they found out the return was going to be in a casket and not embracing in joy is forever etched in minds all over the country. Each one of these HUMAN BEINGS scrawled on this stone represents the loss of not only a life, but of the possibilities of THEIR future. THEIR travels never booked. THEIR meeting strangers that would become friends. THEIR success at work or rewards of a life well-led. Forever a closed book. Forever a story untold.

It's a sad day, but even sadder if we don't remember what we have and how we are able to keep it. Wave the flag and keep those who carried it overseas and overland in your hearts. Act in a way THEY would be proud of. They earned that and more...

SAYING GOODBYE TO HIGH SCHOOL PT2

Here we are again.

The first time I wrote about visiting my old high school [here] it was in reflection of my own experience. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to know about OTHER students of MAHS. Luckily, there was ONE more opportunity to tour the halls, so I went back and this is what I found......

I tried to bring my best friend through school for a walk around, but had no luck. I was hoping he would help drag out some forgotten times we had, but instead, I got to talk to some strangers (and a few young ladies from '82 - It was nice to chat Cindy Hoover and Tina Spotts!) and had a great time listening to some familiar stories as well as an unexpected heartache.

I have spent many years in the insurance business talking to people I didn't know, so approaching folks on our home field was easy. I found so many fellow classmates happy to talk about their memories of being a Blue Raider. It didn't prepare me for a reminder that time doesn't ALWAYS heal wounds completely though.

In my last posting, I mentioned some names of those who didn't make it to this gathering. One I didn't bring up was Cindy Williams, who would have been class of '83. In speaking with Sharon Church today, she made tears almost spill out as she talked of missing her friend, Cindy. They would walk to school together and were very close. When Cindy passed, it took a long time before Sharon could deal with the loss. To many of us at that age, we had very few experiences with death. When it happens so young, the affect is much more profound than after we've attended a funeral or two. To think that happened over 35 years ago and still hits Sharon today shows the depth of their friendship. They were both obviously lucky to have each other in their lives.

I was fortunate enough to talk to Cheryl Weber, Class of '67, whom I caught around the gym. A most treasured remembrance was of her Mom attending basketball games, even as she went through chemo. She had nothing but good things to say about her time in these halls, years ago.

It was a nice variety of people coming and going, as I was fortunate to talk to students from 2007, 1979, 1969, 1990, and a few others. To some, the images from the past were a bit foggy. To others they are still crystal clear. The overwhelming theme was of those teachers that went above and beyond to make their subject interesting and fun. The teachers that stood out were the ones who got their kids involved. They made their kids feel special in showing that they cared. The same names kept popping up, most of which I never was fortunate enough to have. More than one person gave credit to their teacher for trying harder because of the extra push. We were lucky to have more than a few of those special people within these walls. It was almost unanimous that we felt good about being a Middletown graduate. I only hope that the future generations feel the same way in the new building.

There were teachers in MY time that I hadn't mentioned before that should have made more of an impression. Mr Scudder  wrote in my yearbook (and I of course forgot about!) who mentioned my utter failure with a young lady and my potential not being realized up to that point. Jeeze... I guess it was OBVIOUS to everyone... except ME!

Mr Stoffel was a science teacher that I think was a closet mad-scientist. He at least made class unexpected. I should have enjoyed this more as now I love the subjects he covered.

Mr Smeltz (US Cultures) actually came up in conversation with a friend of mine the other day. We each didn't apply ourselves in his class, except for goofing off.

Ms Maguffee tried her best to keep English interesting but I just couldn't get into it. Can I have a do-over?????

Mr Hart was my homeroom teacher and hoped I would go out for wrestling, which of course I never did. (I SHOULD have!)

Mr Fasnacht tried to talk to us as adults, but many of us (me included) weren't ready enough to appreciate this good guy.

Mrs Bivile wasn't my teacher but I had the pleasure to play tennis with her (and get BEAT repeatedly!).

Mr Atkinson was always smiling, but me being me, I didn't keep many memories of Biology. Maybe it's biological.

Mrs Raser was another English teacher.... need I say more???? All MY fault.

Mr Sollenberger's name came up again and again as an important figure from school. I should have taken more advantage of his wisdom...

I've missed mentioning many fine teachers but understand I was only a half-day for my junior and senior years. At the time I thought I was lucky. In retrospect, I SHOULD have applied myself much much more. Do YOU have any fond memories to share????

It made me smile when I saw a former student's face light up as they told a story of Mr or Mrs So and So, making the day better by being their teacher. It's obvious that it wasn't the walls of this school, the location, the lack of air conditioning or quality of the water that makes it special. It is the faculty we treasure. Those giving souls that wanted to make a difference in our lives. We will never forget how much they helped us in those difficult younger years. Not only giving us a great foundation of education to go on to college, but moving on to the working world as well.

I spoke with a member of the class of '73. They brought up an interesting thought. You've seen the painted picture of our Raider logo on the wall in the gym. The class of '73 was responsible for getting that done. There is a proposal by the same class in doing it again in the NEW gym. Sounds pretty cool right?

The gym was where so many folks headed for pictures. I remember the times we played dodgeball, wrestling, running, and of course, basketball. It was fun to play those games with people you didn't know. Sometimes you bonded and sometimes you found a new enemy!

The best athlete in my particular class was a basketball player. Yes YOU Keith. The Jefferies name goes back decades in our school history and we were lucky to have him and Tony back to back on the court and as our friends. The fascinating thing I found in my nosing around other people's memory was that the star athlete or the cheerleader was noticeably absent. Time has a way of minimizing their stature in life after school, and minimizing the importance of certain things in the grand scheme. We would all have wanted to BE them though, if even for one game....right?

I asked a few folks, if they could go back and talk to their younger-selves, what would they tell them? "Doing more" and "not taking the setbacks of school so hard" was a common statement. It seems life changes our values and goals, and sometimes school helps with that, sometimes not. In looking back, we see the bad times weren't really that bad. At the time they may have seemed like a never-ending tunnel to nowhere, but as we learn by living, we persevere and are stronger after. Most times the biggest influence on how much we get out of something is staring at us in the mirror. I know I didn't take advantage, but I am so glad others did.

I wonder how many people dusted off their old yearbooks and re-read the notes our friends wrote. Many people say they are still friends all these years later. School has a way of bonding like no other, and it is the easiest time to find someone we want to hang with. Facebook has made it easier to reach out and catch up with people that may have wandered off.

Time ran out on me as I wish I could have heard more stories of time spent in Middletown schools.... Please share HERE if you like!

SAYING GOODBYE TO HIGH SCHOOL

There was an open house to the high school that everyone in Middletown has gone to since 1963. I decided to go even though there's not a lot of memories there. My school years were not my happy years, so I think my mind has deleted or at least hid those files from me for a long time. Since they will tear down this building that has been central to our upbringing here in Raidertown, I was hoping that some of my lost memories would make an appearance.

I saw some familiar faces, which was a nice surprise. These are the same folks that still live around the area but we have never associated, even in school. It doesn't make us bad people. Just NOT friends. So many souls have passed through these rooms with me along for the ride. I should have done more to make real connections with my classmates but I was a mess. My self-esteem was not just low, it was unmeasurable. I mentioned it in a posting [here] about Billy Baumbach.....my Nemesis. He had no idea.....

As I walked through those halls, very few things stood out. The first was of those souls who didn't make it to 2016 for the tour. We lost a few classmates along the way. (I wrote about Donnie Leggore [here]) Jimmy Morrison comes to mind, as he was such a good guy that couldn't win over his addiction. Betty Vogt was our first loss I believe, by a car accident. There were a few more, like friends Tony Kinsey and Sue Strohm, others Rita, Anthony, Hesh, and more I may not know of. Suffice it to say they are all missed. We won't know until OUR time is done if they were the lucky ones or not. I guess the walls themselves held nothing to remember, but when I got home and started thinking about high school, many other things started popping up. In no particular order (or is THAT a kind-of order???)

Audrey Majette.....

It took almost 30 years, but I had my first conversation with Audrey )and she signed my yearbook!). She found out that I had a crush but knew I couldn't pursue it then. Although she was a pretty cheerleader, Audrey always seemed happy and was smiling 24/7. She made those rare moments when our paths crossed a delight.

Pappy Walters.....

Those of us who had Mr Walters in metal shop didn't understand at the time how lucky we were to have HIM as our leader. The first thought that I have is how almost every day seemed to start.... We would all be lounging around his desk, as Mr Walters would usually come in right at the bell to start. He would yell, "HEY!" Why aren't you guys working???" We would respond, "..... but Pappy, It's MONDAY!.... " the next day, same routine, he would come in and say "Hey! Why aren't you guys working????" We would reply, "....but Pappy, it's TUESDAY!" We couldn't get away with THAT again until next Monday... He was a good guy who left us far too young.

What a difference a YEAR makes in school, but now, a few years later, not so much...

One of the first things I noticed as I started my last four years of learning was the respect that higher grade kids had for their younger compadres. They would be so very helpful in helping make the uneasy adjustments to this new environment and their compassion was unending, making us all feel like we belonged to the group. Also the ladies who were seniors or juniors would always be open to dating underclassman, as they knew we were vulnerable to being forever damaged by the torment of youth. OK, it was exactly OPPOSITE of all that.

....and SPEAKING of girls, what's with all the mentions of "girls" in the yearbook???? I MUST have been so painfully obvious with my insecurities that most everyone mentioned in my yearbook about being "hopeful" I will find someone special, as well as reminding me of my epic failures in THAT department. "Friends" permanently recorded in the pages, "good luck with the girls, you will NEED it"..... and "...good luck with the girls, you will never master the skills". No wonder I had issues....

Alison Korn.....

Every class had a "beauty queen" and ours was Alison. I had known her a bit since grade school. Her family lived down the street from me and I would occasionally see her there. By the time we got to high school, she was a star and I was a shadow in the background, yet she was always nice and talkative. A lot more than I could ever imagine. It was some of the few times I felt like I was a part of the cool crowd. I've wondered for years what happened to her, but I won't bug.

Mayor Reid......He became VERY well-known for being Mayor during a challenging time, but one of the "unfortunates" of my time at MAHS is that he was NEVER a teacher of mine.... I'm sure it would have been fun AND educational.... Mr McConaghy..... He was one of the teachers who, somehow seemed a complete human being. he had personal difficulties that came out in class discussions and we couldn't have respected him more for sharing. Mrs Kulha.....She was the teacher that I wanted to have but, FRENCH????? As a half-German that couldn't SPEAK German, it just seemed wrong. But she WAS elegant! Mr Guinivan and Mr Kamandulis.... The corporal punishment I earned, right or wrong, were by these guys. Once when I got Pam Crum to laugh while she was reading out loud in Mr K's class. The other was in shop for a long forgotten incident. The School system ended these practices soon after. I'm sure it's been regretted ever since. Pete Fox Sr.... I thought I told this story here before but I can't find it.... I was in wood shop during the heydays of Wrestling. Mr Fox was the teacher and the discussion one day turned to the "sleeper hold". There was more than one enthusiastic volunteer to experiment with it's effectiveness. Turns out the largest kid in school offered himself up as "victim" and the biggest fan of WWF would put the hold on him. Mr Fox didn't believe it would work but OK'd the show. Bruce put his arms around Terry's neck and in short order, the big guy went down! Not only that, he had slammed neck-first into a vice. I KNOW Mr Fox saw his career flash in front of his eyes. Luckily, no permanent damage was done to the vice or Terry but Bruce was just as shocked as anyone in class it worked!!! Mr Demichele.... Although there is no mention of it in the yearbook, I thought we lost my homeroom teacher during the school year. We waited for him to show up and he never came. Mr Kraft..... He was a guy that tried to get you thinking and involved. How do you do THAT with MATH????? He was usually smiling and happy and much appreciated.

Mr Brunner..... What can be said that hasn't been spoken by many already. The man was ICONIC, not in his meanness, but in his fairness and strength of character. He was the reason Middletown had a GREAT reputation all those years ago. He was involved enough that when I tried to sneak out during school hours with a friend, guess who was waiting for me at the door when we got back? ....and he called me by name. I didn't know him but I sure as heck respected him. Irv Alexander..... I'm sure many students didn't know this fine man, and I didn't either while in school. It was after I had graduated that we spent many hours in the gym together, talking and teaching and laughing. He left us as a young man and is missed by everyone he spoke with I'm sure.

Mrs Ford..... This young lady had my memories all disconfusalated. When I sat back and thought about Mrs F's English class, nothing really came up. Yet, when I broke out the yearbooks, I found THIS - "The strong individualist of period one - the non-conformer. You are a capable young man. When you find your little corner of the world, I am sure that you will do a great job. Use all that potential that I see". HOW did I forget all THAT????? When people ask me about why I write, I give no credit for school, as in "I didn't even LIKE English class". I am such an idiot. She is missed, by many I am sure. Those smarter than ME.

I ALSO forgot ANOTHER interesting entry on my yearbook by a teacher ' Mrs Ott wrote "To a nice young student with a very individualistic but undisciplined personality. I enjoyed having you in class even though you didn't work up to your capacity. Best of luck in the future. Long Live Elvis!"

Why didn't I participate more???? Plays, the school newspaper, conditioning club, student council, typing, sewing, Spanish, band, radio, sports... we had opportunities for each. And yet I said no to all. Dumb dumb. The teachers WERE right about my potential and lack of reaching it in school.

TMI..... I remember being in the lunchroom when TMI was announced. There was so much confusion that we didn't know anything for a while. Eventually, we all got to go home. Some parents were ready to leave town. Mine just made me stay in. it was a memorable time, as even President Carter came by to visit my neighborhood.

I came to the locker number with the combination from 10th grade. Why I ever saved that is beyond me but I still had it. Of course the lockers have changed since I attended so long ago. Like everything in life, progress rolls forward.

Am I happy I went?

Well..... I haven't written much in quite a while and yet the words came flowing out. What do YOU think??? My lost sentimentality began with reflection of the past and what importance it is in my life. Honestly, it means very little. I found my happiness in life long after my student days were done and have put most of the memories away. I posted [here] about how looking back hasn't exactly been a positive thing. This visit was a confirmation that the past is the past and I don't dwell on it or have much use for it. It helped make me who I am but other than that, there isn't much.

I always hold out hope for more though.... Yes, I'm THAT corny.

There will be no new friends from that time, as they all have family obligations and a life beyond our childhood.

When they finally demolish the building none of my memories will go down with it. Nothing will be buried. There will be no loss. I just hope that many years from now, when the NEW school is old, the place we call "home" for 4 years of our life is filled with happy thoughts and happy folks.

ONE OF THEM DAYS.....

I was not sleepy last night so, like so many other people, I got online and nosed around Facebook. I didn't have anyone to talk to that late (It WAS late!) and there wasn't much to see, so I looked up a bunch of old conversations I have had in the past.... boy was it an eye-opener.

We all have days when we are melancholy, bluesy, or just downright depressed. Those days used to happen to me with regularity, as expected as the coming of the seasons, only my blahs came much more frequently. They sometimes were paralyzing, sometimes just irritating, but 100% illogical. I KNEW this, yet the mood still came and went. As the years of experience dealing with this added up, my conclusions (and ANYONE who has read ANYTHING on here can guess, I have an opinion on just about EVERYTHING - right or wrong) were that it was OK.

We don't ALWAYS have to be positive and bubbly.

We don't ALWAYS have to be supercharged and excited about the prospects of another day.

We don't ALWAYS have to (try) and be inspirational to others.

We don't ALWAYS have to take medication to feel a bit better.

I learned to wallow in my misery. Not for months, weeks, but just a day or two. A good weekend of bawling watching movies (Pay It Forward, 6th Sense, Field of Dreams, Dodgeball.... OK .... maybe NOT "Dodgeball" but you get the idea) and the mood passed. I felt emotion again and the world was back in it's rightful orbit. No more melancholy. No more mood-eating. No more self-pity.

I haven't had one in a while until last night.

In 'catching up" with some of the finest folks of my past, it dawned on me just how happy they were. Happy... looking healthy... life has been great since I was a part of their life. I had thought in most instances, I was a good memory but then it came over me as again and again, I saw the results of my NOT being a part of these joyous lives - it was like I was never there.

It reminded me of "It's A Wonderful Life", where George thinks he has had no influence, and therefor will not be missed if he leaves this Earth. [Full disclosure - no suicidal thoughts were in my head at all] The overwhelming idea as I reviewed another and yet another important person from my past was, "I'm not missed".

Of course this made me think, as always....

Why?

Since I try and be a realist to myself and others, the cold hard fact is I must not have been as good a friend as I thought. And even less a good lover/boyfriend/whatever. To most anyone. My whole life. That's a sobering thought. Seeing the marriages, children, joyous pictures, and all created this overwhelming desire to just crawl in a hole. Delete any internet presence, since no one is trying to get in my face anyway. Stop writing because no one is listening or interested. Change my phone number so no one that MIGHT reach out can succeed. Plan a move to a place no one knows me. Get on the waiting list for that one-way trip to Mars.

I looked at the faces of these wonderful people from my past, remembering when WE were (I thought) THAT happy. I then looked at my life and saw that I was in (mostly) the same place as I was when I knew them. Some as long as 20 years ago.... wow. Someone had recently tried to point this out during a fit of rage, so I didn't listen much, but they were more right than wrong. I have done none of the things I hoped for, and have no excuses for why.

I wanted to be able to inspire everyone's inner strength, allowing them to overcome most obstacles without consulting Dr Phil, prescription medication, or the Funny Farm. I wanted to be able to lift a down spirit, support someone's self-esteem that may have been lacking. I wanted to make a difference.

Complete and utter failure.

See how this works? If you are not afflicted with this feeling of complete despair, you are one lucky SOB. I think it hits most of us. I look around the world and see faces of humans who have given up the dream to be happy and now just want to strike back because life isn't FAIR. Our world is full of people who react badly to these overwhelming emotions. It's easy to do. If you don't recognize the oncoming wave of hopelessness, you have very little chance of handling it well. If you aren't able to handle the flood of thoughts that will infect your soul, you act out. Some will not get the chance to change their opinions of this TEMPORARY mindset. Their actions will lead them down a path of self-destruction that  no one can redirect.

Let me remind you, in case you ARE there... it's TEMPORARY. It is more temporary if you do something positive about it. Do something that will offset the negative thoughts. Do something that will bring joy, even if you think it's not possible. Be selfish and do something for someone who needs help. Do it because you will start healing. What could this be for YOU? I have no idea.

It could be as little as smiling at strangers, not in a sinister "I'm going to kidnap your dog" look but a friendly seemingly happy smile that will, more times than not, bring a smile to THEIR face too...

It could be helping out at the Food Bank. It could be writing. It could be forcing yourself to get OUT of the house that imprisons you at the moment. it could be finding old friends and catching up. It could be putting away  the past and living in the moment. You know YOU best. Most times, we won't even remember how bad we felt 6 months ago, so why do we give it so much power over our life?

Because we are flawed.

For those of you who think you can MAKE a person happier by "understanding" or by "being there for them" or 'telling them they are wonderful", or slapping them into submission, I hate to be the clown that pees over your cleverness. For most folks, no one has that ability, except the person being pounded by the realities in their head. You can try, but don't be disappointed if they do NOT respond to your text. Or calls. Or knocks on the door. Yes, I know, it's not the most alluring picture of existence, but it's also not incurable. or at least Band-Aidable...

Admit that you AREN'T the best version of yourself.... YET! Identify those moments you aren't proud of who is looking back at you in the mirror. Acknowledge you are NOT Beyonce, Oprah, or even your cool cousin who seems to have it all together. Accept your defects and resolve to turn them into points of pride. Endorse the fact that you struggle, but, how does that saying go, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

It was said by a survivor.... and a flawed human being just like you... and me.

AUGUST 9

Many years ago, I used to love this day. It was a cause for celebration, it was an excuse to call, it was Vanessa's birthday....

Who the heck is SHE? Click [here] to read my first REAL posting here to find out. Considering she was the initial topic I wrote about, you can imagine how significant she was in my life. She was my Gracie.... She was a dream come true.

So here I am, on her birthday, and I wouldn't have even remembered, except for a reminder that popped up on my phone. I wouldn't have given it a second thought otherwise, but it made me think about how far I've come. I couldn't fathom ten years ago, I'd be on the healthier side of recovery. For a long time, I felt like I would NEVER feel fully cured or at least over it.

Time truly heals.

The fact she was pretty covered up the fact she was a great Mother, she was a classy lady, and she had enough ambition to succeed at anything she put her mind to. And she DID, just not with ME.

When we were together, I never had a more clear picture of my future than I did then. It was going to be a dream come true for the both of us. A perfect match....

And then reality came crushing down on one of us (me) and I didn't know what to think, how to act, or get a grip on my new unknown future. It wasn't just the relationship with HER I missed, it was losing the kids as well. They were my sunshine, my realization that I could be a great Dad, an understanding and supportive role model that would enrich their lives forever.

And then “forever” came and went....

It took five whole years to be able to begin to accept the situation, as I wrote in “Who Am I Kidding?” [here]. It was progress, if only a lil bit. Time heals, if nothing else will.

Sooooooo... here we are five years later, ten whole years since she told me we were no longer “us”. I was not thinking of the “what-ifs”. I wasn't thinking of reliving the past, I wasn't thinking of anything. Nothing. I didn't even call her to wish her a good day. She has a lot of fans, she is happily-ever-after without me and I am too.

… and that is why, when a friend of mine sent me a message saying her relationship had ended and she was hurting, I told her she would be just fine. It may take a few weeks, a few months, or a few years, but all will end well if you just look at the positive. It happened, not after decades of living a lie, but only a few months into it. There was only 50% of the people involved trying to make it work, which guarantees 100% failure 100% of the time.

I'm not trying to minimize my friend's feelings of heartbreak. It IS real and matters. I know the depression that follows. I know the lack of self-worth that seems natural. I know the thoughts of non-existence that some may consider – it happens to many of us at least once in our lives. Thank goodness we can feel such strong emotions at all. A world without that is one that would be truly empty.

The positive side of this story will come for her. It may involve many tears, many sleepless nights, some bad decisions, some regrets, but the sun WILL shine again, and when it does, you will discover you are a better, stronger person. One who is more prepared to choose the “Right” spouse for YOU that will be the beginning of your “forever”

and THAT is the happy ending we ALL want....

I HAVE A DREAM TOO.....

In my search for more info on the civil unrest that has been going on, I was pulled towards the famous, “I Have a Dream” Martin Luther King speech. The sad fact is that parts of it still ring true today, over 50 years later....

If you haven't read it in a while or never heard it in it's entirety, click here for the written version. I wondered as I went from line to line, how many folks only know the few sentences that are often quoted. They miss the point entirely if that's all the farther they go....

One part that struck me was.... “When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men – yes black men as well as white men – would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned.”

You COULD say that America has defaulted for MOST of us. Those in charge have centered more on economic status than anything. If you aren't earning more than enough already, it doesn't appear to be getting any easier in the coming years.

The struggles of the middle-class on down aren't a priority to those we vote for and mean even less to those that run the businesses that employ them. Wages have been stagnant so long as it's now the norm to pay whatever the minimum can be for a particular position. Instead of a growing and vibrant workforce, we have one that “appreciates just having a job”. Is this the best we can do???  I thought this was the land of opportunity????

The rich and powerful have tested us – ALL of us – and we have done nothing in response. Isn't it time to join hands, man AND woman.... black AND white... plus any other group that feels neglected.... join hands to start a new revolution? This one should be directed at those directly responsible for this condition we are in. A revolution for ALL to have a real chance to earn more than a minimum wage.... a chance to use your given abilities to their ultimate capabilities.... a chance to improve the conditions for you and your family... a way out of the crushing reality from a shattered dream.

How much of this trouble we see today is just a symptom of the declining middle-class? Once proud, the voices have been silenced by downsizing, outsourcing, and restructuring. I can't imagine, if we all have a chance to earn a good living at a job we are appreciated and needed, that many of these issues today would go away. A proud man is a mighty force. One that has the strength to lift an entire nation to higher highs, overcome the lowest lows, and keep the peace of prosperity going. If everyone was offered this opportunity, would we be standing in the shadows of chaos today, searching for answers to civility?

I also noticed the section that says, “We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling-off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children. It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment.”

We don't need any of the so-called leaders to tell us what to do or how to repair this long suffering damage to our brothers and sisters. If you step back and just watch our children interact with each other, before the hate is taught.... before the hateful words are learned..... before they are exposed to the violence and vengeance of the racial divide.... you will see the wisdom of youth. Playing together, laughing together, being together and enjoying the fellowship we all need. They do not see the differences of color, they see the sameness of humanity. The same number of arms and legs. The same words to communicate. The same sound of laughter, the same reasons to cry. Why do we ever change our minds when we are so correct from the start?????

We can and we must come together. Mistakes have been made, the past littered with memories that must be respected but not repeated. Only together can we bring peace to our land, prosperity to our children, and a future so bright it gives the rest of the world hope that they too can overcome their own lingering problems, to rise above it all, and see peace and prosperity in the eyes of their own people as well. It's time for the UNITED States to be a leader again, not by intimidation, but as an example for others to want for themselves.

One final piece of the speech that struck me as a timely reminder from a national treasure..... “The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundation of our nation until the bright days of justice emerge. And that is something that I must say to my people who stand on the worn threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust all white people, for of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone and as we walk we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.”

This sounded to me like it was written last week.

How crushingly sad, that after all the pain and heartache, after all the violence, after all the death that came to our brothers and sisters, our eyes have not opened enough to see, what is so very clear to most sensible folks – the uniqueness of our humanity can never overcome the terrible decisions and mistreatment we bring down on other living and breathing souls. Be they brothers from down the street or our cousins from the other side of the world, we all ask for dignity and respect, which SHOULD be given freely by everyone. Whatever the disconnect, somehow we must find a was to bridge the gap of ignorance and set free the negativity and beliefs of the past.

We can't repair the damaged relationships by watching an interview, reading an article, or sitting back and hoping for the best. It will take a real effort by ALL of us to make our world the paradise it always COULD have been, what it always SHOULD have been, what it will ultimately WILL be.... with or without us.

Let's start today.....