ONLINE DATING:MY PERSPECTIVE

In writing about Internet Dating, I saw it would have to be broken down into a few parts – one for general ideas and another for my own experiences.

Here's my view....

I bought my first computer in 1995 and it had all the bells and whistles. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to ring the bell or blow the whistle! Anyway, when I first started, it was in chat rooms using the messenger that i first started talking to anyone who would listen. While I was never good at meeting people in bars, weddings, or bingo, it was fun to chat with folks and I found out I could express myself better in print then off the top of my head. Seems like I need a moment to form my thoughts and another to actually express it.

I eventually met Maria from Peru using Yahoo. I chatted with Aurora in Miami, I met Audrey in Ohio. I met Virginia when I had my jaw wired from an accident. We wanted to meet despite the less-than-desirable condition I was in. I met Darlene from Georgia, Johanna from Albuquerque, Sha'ron from New Jersey, Annette from Baltimore, Ivanne from Ocean City, Tori from Maryland, Charlene from Staten Island, Nneka from Nigeria, Rafiatu from Ghana, Charity from Senegal, Linda from around Pittsburgh, and many more, just from contact online.

There are great memories. I got to see the Indy 500, and took a balloon ride in New Mexico, met ladies in Atlanta, New York City, Chicago, Philly, DC, and other towns and cities. It has been fun to learn about new places and people. I highly recommend it!

None of these cool people would have crossed my path if we had not talked first and found each other interesting enough to meet face to face. I had conversations that went on and on – one was from Toledo, and lasted a most memorable 8 hours! I felt strongly for this young lady, even though we never met face-to-face. It made me question if I could fall in love with someone I never touched. It was that perfect. Then she was gone...

I found out about honesty when meeting Josetta for the first time. We had many GREAT talks, and finally said we should meet despite being 200 miles apart. I was looking forward to sitting across from the young lady who had so much to say, a quirky way of saying it, and the creativity to keep coming up with more. When she walked in and didn't look like her picture (she had gained a LOT of weight) it was a disappointment. I wondered what else was fake, false or a lie. We didn't stay in touch, sad to say.

Having more than a few CURRENT pictures (outside the bathroom!) goes a long way to painting a true picture of your appearance. If you use ancient ones from the previous century or from 150 pounds ago, expect issues when you finally get the opportunity to meet.

When I meet a fascinating young lady (yes, they are ALWAYS young, with ages ranging from 20 to 60!!) for the first time, it's always a surprise to me. I am amazed that this woman would take time out of her life to spend it with ME. It's not that I think I'm unworthy, far from it. It's the fact there are a LOT of nice, single, good looking guys out there and she chose ME. I respect that and treasure it, even if there is no connection.

So how do I stand out among the masses? I just be me.

Not only is it the easiest thing to do, (I have four decades of practice!!), it's also the best for my new friend. She will know the real, unvarnished, every-day me. The one she might choose to live happily ever after with. Or the one she wants to leave, minutes after we meet. We won't know until we actually DO.

I'd like to think most people who I've seen can say that I am easy to be with. There is no pressure, no uncomfortable advances, and no forgetting my wallet! If there is one thing I know I'm good at is letting people be themselves and laugh a little bit. No drama, just enjoying the newness of meeting someone and finding out why at least one person in the world wishes they would just disappear. No one's perfect you know... Most folks admit to a little nervousness, but it quickly disappears. They can see I am genuine and not trying to steal their purse, or worse. I ask questions and am interested in what they have to say. How else am I going to figure out if they are sane.... or stupid..... or defective in some deep-rooted way. Once we settle in and enjoy the evening, we may or may not see fireworks, sparklers, or at least a matchstick. If not, we can part as friends and know we at least tried. No “what-if's” here!

As most of you know, more times than not, the love-connection was just a wrong number and we have to try, try again. It gets tiring after a while, having wonderful people you meet and nothing comes of it. So tiring that we sometimes put ourselves in time-out. We need to recharge the batteries and get that enthusiasm back. Not only is it an effort, but it gets damn expensive dating!

The lonelies return after a bit, so back to the grind! It's not really THAT bad. Just frustrating when you find someone you like a lot and they do NOT feel the same. Oh well. Life goes on, no matter what we do so we may as well accept it and move on, huh?

Friends of mine who have heard some stories told me again and again to write a book about the highs and lows of my dating life. Since I am still single as of 7/23/2012, 9:28 pm, there is no happy ending yet. When there is, I'll write the novel. Until then, I'll tell you this

In no particular order -

Donna is one of my dearest friends, to this day. We met from Match.com, I think, and even after all these years, we remain very close. She is one of the best human beings I know and we help each other deal with life's ups and downs. The world is a better place with her in it, no doubt.

Linda is a fairly new friend that I got to know through my writing. She enjoys it and I am thrilled with her positive comments and encouragement. While she is hundreds of miles away, we stay in touch and find time to go treasure hunting every now and then! Boom Boom!

I had one first date last all of 7 minutes. For real. She arrived at the local Borders (it's been a while) and we sat down and started talking. I could tell she wasn't going to be president of my fan club, but didn't expect her to say that this wasn't going to work out. She did me a favor though. Didn't even cost a cup of coffee. I thank her every time I think about it.

Another first date was with someone who seemed more worried about how clean my Timberlands were than about ME. We had a few conversations but she admitted that her preference was to meet and see if there is any chemistry. I could understand that, so we met at Olive Garden. It was a relief to her that I looked presentable, and lunch turned into a walk around the mall, which turned into a movie, which turned into dessert, which turned into....

get your mind out of the gutter! We did NOT end up in an intimate way that night! It was perfect just like it was. We didn't want it to end. Eventually we spent a few months together. It was nice, but “forever” wasn't in our future. She is now happily married to someone better for her than me.

One first date that I will never forget is the previously mentioned Aurora. She was living in Miami and we start chatting on some website, graduated to the telephone and we kept talking and talking and before I knew it, I had $500 bills to pay! (Yes, this dates back to just after the Gilded Age). I was just crazy about this woman. She was smart, funny, and cute! AND she seemed to think I was OK too. She was flying to Spain and we decided I could visit her at the airport for the 3 hour layover. It didn't take three hours to see that this native of Chicago was something special, unlike anyone I ever met. By the time the plane took off, I knew what I had to do – make plans for the return trip! While in Spain, she kept in touch with me through email. It was such a nice surprise! Made me feel special! She had another 3 hours free at the terminal when she was going back to Miami and we enjoyed every minute. Six hours total with her and I was convinced what I would do next - buy a ring. Yup, it was after hundreds of hours talking, six in person, and thousands daydreaming of spending more time with this amazing female. I flew down for her birthday a couple months later and she was surprised by my proposal. Shockingly, she said YES. Of course I instantly lost respect for her (just kidding!). It was a magical time and we were the happiest we ever been. All that from meeting online. I wish there was a happy ending but when she moved to PA, things changed a bit (I'll take the blame for that) and we parted friends (sort of) a year later. She is still one of the most interesting people I ever met.

The reason someone is attracted varies wildly. Maybe because I don't look like Matthew McConaughey (or even a retarded cousin) but the folks I got to know had much different stories than I would have imagined. Bad relationships just prior to our meeting are very common. I was the “experiment” a few times for those who had never spent time with a white man. I've met fantastic females that didn't think I was, I've met selfish ones I chose not to hang around. I've had great first dates that never saw a second one, for some reason. No explanation, no idea why. This could happen with any way of meeting, not just on the computer. I've also had many, many wonderful women who would make any man feel lucky to have them in their life, and yet, no chemistry beyond friendship.

That's one of the hardest things to learn, that “nice” is not enough. Nice is part of the package but not the entire set. You need passion, mutual interest, shared values, and his and hers bathrobes to have any chance of succeeding together. Nice is nice but not good enough. Nice doesn't make your soul ache when they aren't around. Nice doesn't make you want to cross oceans to see them. Nice doesn't make you want to do anything, no matter how crazy, just to make them happy.

Nice is just.... nice.

Online Dating

Online dating.... those 2 words either make your skin crawl or you're one of the tens of millions using the internet to try and find Mr or Mrs Right.

I have some thoughts...

People have been dating since Adam and Eve. Its a natural thing that people do to see if they will make a great couple. It's not like we can consult a comparison or read reviews about this unknown homo sapien. Dating is the process of elimination. The game changed somewhat with the dawn of personal computers.

It used to be that people met in school, church, through friends, the bowling alley or depending where you live, family reunions . There was no profile to fill out, no monthly fee to pay, and no mail to answer. Unfortunately it also was not so easy to mingle with the opposite sex from outside your own circle. The options one had to choose a mate were much less than we have today. You made the best with what you had and dealt with it.

Times have changed.

In addition to all the old ways, many of us single people meet online. It is convenient, easy, enlightening, and if you use common sense, as safe as meeting at the bookstore. The media slobbers all over itself when a case comes up that someone was hurt (or worse) through the use of various internet outlets. Headline-grabbing doesn't serve the public at all when the message is not accurate. There are good and bad in everything, Match.com included. With the sheer number of human beings involved, there will be awful stories. It shouldn't be confused as the CAUSE if something sad happens.

The facts are, more people are finding the internet a viable option to meeting someone. The result may or may not last forever. We all know of couples who have been together for decades and, after the breakup, the dejected one says “I didn't even KNOW him/her after all these years!”. They may have met at Starbucks, at the gas station, or the flea market. Would you ever hear about it or take note? Mention the internet however, and the imagination runs wild!

I've met people from far away places by first chatting online. This was a program that enabled you to “talk” to someone over the internet. Yahoo, MSN, and AOL were the most common brands when I used them. I've also met people that lived close, and people I would not have met otherwise by first chatting online. Of course, I've met people at the grocery store, the DMV, restaurants, the Dr's office, work, playing tennis, neighbors, from friends, at the barber, and the bowling alley as well, but they are ANOTHER story!

I found chatting not only interesting, but exciting as well. Getting to know someone from tapping a keyboard is a bit different than talking on the phone. In the old days, auto-correct was not a function of the messenger so you could see how good of a speller the other person was, which is HIGHLY underrated! Forming coherent and complete sentences is not only telling about one's intelligence level, but of how a person thinks as well. The depth of a potential more-than-a-friend is important to ME, so I want to see what goes on in someone's head and how they express it. That way when I ask, “What's on your mind?” I won't get “nothin” as an answer on a regular basis! THAT makes for a very short conversation, and no chance for a relationship....

You never know, in any conversations, if the other person is telling the truth. I assume most people don't lie. There are many stories to the contrary. My experience has only involved one less-than-honest person, and she was still terrific otherwise. If you don't get caught up in the heat of the moment, AND you pay attention, most folks who bend the truth make obvious mistakes. You just have to look for them. It's OK to trust, but trust with caution.

Besides chatting, there are other advantages to internet introductions. Pictures, while an easy way to lie to folks, can whittle down the possibilities quickly. The only purpose is to give a stranger an idea what you look like. We all need to be physically attracted. No matter what anyone says, looks DO MATTER! Sorry guys, but if you look like a frog, you probably WON'T get kissed by the princess. Also consider the image you want to introduce to strangers.. No one knows anything about you. This will be the first impression. Do you STILL want them booty shots on there for all to see? Do you want to show ALL your cleavage if you don't like provocative comments? If you don't have your front teeth, you still better smile for the camera! Using fake or misleading pictures is fine for starting conversations, but what happens when you meet?

Most dating sites require you to set up a profile that will allow folks who don't know you, a glimpse of who you are. Some people take a good amount of time to say what they want to say, others think it's a chore. What it is is an opportunity to give someone a realistic overview of you so they can figure out if they want to know more. It's that simple. Some profiles have very little to read and the reason most cases, is they don't know what to say. I don't get it. YOU know YOU better than anyone! It should be the easiest thing to say. Yet, for many people, it is too hard to do at all. I think they miss out on potential matches by their lack of effort.

Included with most profiles is a list of who you are and what traits you are looking for. I don't know about you, but a list doesn't make a person. Yes, there are certain things we ALL hope to find – honesty, respect, integrity, and many others I'm sure. I feel like this. If your better-half MUST be included in your hobby, list it. If they MUST be aware of your lifestyle, list it. If not, then I believe it's better to just observe how that person is when they are standing in front of you rather than taking their word for it. Withholding will also not help those dishonest bastards that will lie to get whatever they can get. If you don't tell them exactly what makes your heart flutter, they will have to pretend to be what they THINK you are searching for. Let them find out on their own!

Having actual conversations forces you to talk and, if interested, ask questions. Not the dumb ones like “What's your favorite noodle?”. Not the sexual ones like “Can I see your muffin?”. Not even the religious questions like “Which commandment do you enjoy breaking most?”. I'm talking about normal topics that show how a person truly feels. The right kind of banter can make (or break) a pending relationship easily. All you have to do is talk....

There certainly is a convenience to using the internet as a way to meet folks. It might be the most popular reason people use it. Night or day, it's always on and available to search profiles and see who is out there looking. Seems we are always busy doing things, so isn't it nice that we have a way of connecting to equally busy members of the opposite sex? The dark side of this is the overwhelming availability of smiling faces. Match.com, Zoosk, Eharmony, and many other sites offer you thousands of smiles to choose from. Local or long-distance, different races, ages, backgrounds, variety rules.

I think we can all agree having too much of a good thing, isn't good. Too much dessert, vacation, whatever you choose, is less enjoyable and less appreciated if there is an overabundance. Same with single people. A lot of folks will not invest time in anyone if the slightest little hiccup occurs. This gets frustrating when you are on the wrong side of the decision. We seem so disposable that it affects how we look at people in general. Why should we take the time to wade through the “getting-to-know-you” stage when there are soooooo many new faces we are attracted to?? Why should I talk to someone who is 5'6” and carry a few extra pounds when I prefer tall and athletic??? Blondes are ignored when I like to be with brunettes. Maybe you want to experiment. There's an endless supply of single folks waiting to be contacted. All it takes is a click after you pay your $29.99.

That's another advantage. The fact that EVERYONE is looking. The internet allows you to look day AND night, as finding that special someone is very important and more preferred than staying single. It can seem so daunting that most people have a significant other in their life. Married couples, for the most part, wear that status proudly on their ring finger, making it easy to ignore them for dating purposes. Not so easy is seeing someone at the store that you want to say something to, and not knowing if they are available. It keeps many people from saying anything. Ask 10 people and the odds say that 8 of them will be in some kind of relationship. The other two may or may not be open to anything beyond being polite. That is an awful lot of “no's” to hear, just for an opportunity to talk, let alone, date. Lots of guys find it hard to accept the rejection. Maybe that is why you ladies make the guys take the first step. Just know it gets to us after a while dealing with all the I-have-someone's, get-away-from-me's, the screams for police, and the restraining orders. We ARE sensitive after all....

When you want to meet people outside your regular circle, how would you do it? You don't have to ask friends anymore since the internet opens up, not only the neighborhood, but the world. Not everyone closes the door at 50 miles. There are some good aspects of having some distance between you. Conversations are different when you can't just drive over to hang out. Anticipation is hard to duplicate. It is a real test of the level of attraction if you can survive limited time spent with person. It also, like everything else, has a down side. The freedom will test your patience and trust. How do you know there isn't a wife/girlfriend waiting for them at home? How do you know their search ends with you? How do you know they aren't in prison?

Common sense will tell you, IF your eyes aren't in the clouds.

Normal relationships have no limits on when you talk, how you chat, and how long you speak. If it seems fishy that most of your conversations are texts, end quickly, or only happen when they are alone, it SHOULD make you sit up and take notice. Listen to the warning buzzers going off! A cute butt or a nice smile is not enough!

Yes, even in this decade, some people are NOT internet friendly. There are many who have no home computer at all. This limits ways you might meet, or it weeds out those you don't want to know more. It depends on the importance of technology in your life. Would it be a burden or no problem?

You can narrow the type of online users down to two: those that want to meet asap (they don't want to waste time with someone they don't have “chemistry” with) and those that want to take it slow, get to know you through chatting, then talking on the phone, and THEN maybe a meeting. There is no correct answer to which is best. It comes down to what makes you comfortable. If you have perspective daters that seem impatient, you better question why. They are not compassionate in the beginning. How do you think they will be later?

Screening tools can be anything, obviously, you just have to use them. I'm not talking about criminal backgrounds or credit checks, although when things get more serious, they certainly have a function. I'm talking about the less-obvious. Is their profile still up? Have you met any of their friends? Are they easy to contact? Is there any chance they are married? How do they treat strangers? Do they make you comfortable enough to allow you to be YOU? Are they the same in person as in the previous conversations? Red flags are red for a reason! Take notice. The internet is only a way to meet. It doesn't have any built-in protection, no matter what the dating site says.

Obviously, when you meet the first time, you do it in a public place. If sparks fly, you can always extend it, move it, or change it. I'm sure you have had times when you meet a stranger that quickly seems like an old friend. There's no explaining it or faking it. It just is. Some poor folks confuse this with finding a “soul mate”. Unfortunately, you have no way of knowing if they are Charles Ingalls or Charles Manson, unless you keep your eyes open and let some time go by. In the movies, it only takes an hour and a half to go from stranger to soul mate. In the real world, it usually takes a bit more time....

Once you spend a little time together, HOW you met becomes irrelevant. Hopefully, “forever” won't seem like enough time to get to know this wonderful, warm, and willing person. If not, enjoy the moment, don't torture yourself, and realize that it's not so easy to find someone to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe the next one will be the last....

THANK YOU

It's amazing what you find when you clean out the closets! I found this last night while I was packing. It was written years ago and reminds me of unrealized hopes and dreams...




The days have passed
but still...
my heart feels empty

You filled a void
I didn't know I had

My life was fine
the way it was
The job, the tasks
the challenge of it all

kept my mind
from knowing what it's missing
You changed all that
with just a smile

Your presence like
a shower of joy
The instant comfort
and relaxed fit

of what
for a second, was "us"
turned to rubble
the wall around me I built

To keep you out
if you ever appeared

But.....

I knew I would fall
to your mesmerizing ways
without trying you cleared the cloud
that was my life

For once I could see
how much more my life could be
with you in it
my days were bright

The thought of "us" still open
to the idea maybe
you were mine
My nights were brighter still

If you were there, just sleeping
laying so beautifully
by my side
I could stare for hours

at your gorgeous face
seeing a future roll by
without realizing
you had my soul

Ready to be yours
If you would have me
Hoping you did
Afraid you would

Making love
felt so alive and real
from head to toe
I wanted to know it all

I can't imagine
looking back I could be so wrong
and not sense that
you were not really there

That you could walk away
from "us" so easy
the "feels right" obviously
parting ways with you

And now alone
I see and feel
the other side of joy
the pain... the emptiness

Reserved for those of us
left behind
the sadness of not knowing
exactly what went wrong

When it all felt so right
I guess it was
just me
that saw and felt that way

I'm not sure
the point of it all
except to say

Thank You...

For letting me see
that, if only for an instant,
I could be
so very very happy

and see
how much more my life can be
with
someone special in it...

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

Today I'm feeling kind of blah.... kind of uninspired to do anything or even WANT to. This is familiar ground. Time to finish something I've been writing for weeks...

I was talking to a nice young lady the other day (yes, YOU Brittney!) and she let me rant about one of my most passionate subjects – women. It got me to thinking I should finally put down to paper what I've always wanted to say when I made it to Oprah's show

Being a single guy these days, I am constantly amazed at otherwise very smart, very pretty, very together women who make some really awful choices in men. While I understand we all are attracted to this or that, at some point, shouldn't we realize that we are being DESTRUCTIVE to ourselves? Maybe it needs to be pointed out clearly to those who are affected....

If you are seeing someone claims to be an entrepreneur, first ask him to SPELL it, ask to look at his inventory, business plan, and tax returns. If he has NONE, or avoids the subject, ask yourself how this fool will be successful at something he has no clue about. Is he just using the word “entrepreneur” to mean he is “unemployed and not looking for work”???

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

There is no bigger responsibility to a man than being a good father. Making babies is easy. What's not is loving, caring, raising, nurturing, and being there for both you and your child. Kids need both Mom and Dad to help them be all that they can be. Teach them, show them, be the model to show that it's all worth the effort. It's hard enough to do under the best circumstances.

If you are seeing someone who has children and a dozen excuses for why he doesn't see them or pay for them, or even talks about them, Houston isn't the only one with a problem! His ex probably ISN'T crazy, they are probably NOT out of state, and they are probably HIS!

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

If you are seeing someone who has a great wiggle-game and nothing else to make you smile, enjoy it for what it is. If you think you want more and he doesn't, it's time to come to grips with reality. What about him do you TRULY like other than Jr? If you can't make a long list (or ANY list!), maybe you should just make a mold of what you DO enjoy, put it on the mantle, and dip out because this won't end happy. If he KNOWS he has you by the..... cookies, and uses it to get what you wouldn't ordinarily give, it's that time....

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

If you are seeing someone who spends a lot of time with his x-box, golf clubs, or buddies, and it bothers you, say something. Not yelling or screaming, but a nice conversation that will uncover WHY. There has to be a reason. Maybe he likes being away from you. Maybe he likes his buddies better. Maybe he likes his buddies a LOT. Maybe you should come up with a new Plan “A”, because Plan B means he sticks around.....

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

Not everyone has the money to wine and dine, but seriously, if they can't explain WHY and make it very clear by their actions they are trying to better their situation, you are headed to Broke-Chick Mountain that will drain you of time, energy, and your good credit rating. The price is too high. Sooooooooooo....

If you are seeing someone that never seems to have any money, forgets his wallet, or has a “situation” that causes his INcome to go OUT immediately, check his credit, check your wallet for the $40 that WAS in there, put those nice pointed boots on and......

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

If you are seeing someone who still has a room at his Mom's, get his mail there, or just keeps his stuff there, it's time for the deadbeat questionnaire to be given. It's not graded on a curve, doesn't have a range of A-F, and should be given at the first hint they would qualify.

Do you have a savings account that you DEPOSIT money into monthly?
Do you have a pay-stub that is current?
Do you have an updated resume?
Do you qualify for credit that is NOT charging 25% interest?
Do you have a suit that YOU bought?
Do you have friends that expect to be paid back when you “hold $20”?

Proper documentation is required for any “yes” answer. Failure to produce said documents or provide proof that validates the “yes” is grounds for immediate dismissal. With that being said, you know what you have to do....

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

IF you are seeing someone who is always telling you how to spend your money, ask for his credentials. He obviously is a Certified Financial Planner and has a record of his past performance at investing. While that is not a guarantee of future earnings, it should give you peace of mind knowing that this isn't just a broke-ass-man trying to get you to spend money on HIM. If he failed to keep his designation current, he ALSO should fail to give you his financial advice, which isn't worth what you paid for it. If he didn't take the hint and continues to play Warren Buffet, there's only one thing left to do....

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

If you are seeing someone who stays at your house more than his and doesn't pay any bills, wash any dish, clean any room, or do any laundry, consider the past as community service. Nothing can be done about it except learn and adapt. This does NOT mean to continue the Hotel 6 treatment no charge! Time for new management! Either get his help with the work involved to maintain a neat and clean place that keeps the rain off your heads or ….

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

If you are seeing someone who wants to change you, complains about you, or just generally doesn't seem to be happy with you as you are, ask yourself if he is right. If he IS right, what are you doing about it? If, on the other hand, you feel like he is making the wrong assessment of you and your ways, have a calm discussion of why he feels the way he does. None of us is perfect. Maybe there is something to it. Don't get mad at what is said, don't get defensive, don't lash back at him. Take it all in. If it makes sense and you WANT to change, problem solved. If he is just plain wrong, doesn't have any facts to back up his arguments, or doesn't even want to talk about it, don't even warm up.....

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

If you are seeing someone who follows your every move, doesn't trust what you say, accuses you of sleeping around, and gets offended if you do the same to HIM, well you already know.... without trust that binds two people together, without faith in your special someone that they will not do anything that will hurt, without the peace of mind that comes with knowing your one-and-only is not grazing in someone else's field, there can be no happily-ever-after. If he is convinced one of you is not being faithful, he is right.... it's probably HIM. In that case, there is only one option left... yup....

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

If you are seeing someone who has the superpower of being temporarily invisible, who is regularly unreachable, and who goes MIA like clockwork, your alarm is going off.... WAKE UP! It's not a dream but WILL be a nightmare if you let it go. His phone is NEVER dead, he is NEVER in a “bad cell area”, he NEVER forgets the plans you made with him, and he NEVER has to go out of town for a multitude of reasons. He's just not feeling you. You are not his boo. If anyone asks, he probably says he is single. He just lacks the courage to tell you. Please help this spineless bastard take your relationship to the next (and final) level...

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

If you are seeing someone who drinks daily and it changes his mood or personality, get a AA brochure and leave it on the table as you RUN out the door! While it's nice, at times to have a glass of wine or have a cold beer on a hot night. Regular doses of alcohol will not cure any known diseases or fix any problems. As a matter of fact, drinking WILL make problems worse and bring on health problems because they have “just one more”. You can be supportive, helping them overcome this battle, but unless they truly WANT to change their life, you will not only be unsuccessful, it will wear you out. If all else fails, one thing WILL work for you....

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

If you have a child (or three) with someone that has some (hopefully not all!) of these traits, and you feel trapped by the situation, have faith. Family, friends, and organizations are there to help. There are always options in life, we just may not like the cost. Yes we may have to work harder, not go on as nice of a vacation, live in a smaller house, or drive an older car. All that is nothing compared to being truly happy with your life and your mate. Being truly happy begins with our view of ourselves. If you don't love you some you, what are you doing about it? Do you not like something about yourself? Great. Welcome to the real world. We ALL have things to work on. Even J-Lo has issues. No one is immune. It's realizing what needs tweaked and taking action that matters. We all fall short of the expectations we make for ourselves. It's not a bad thing. We need to have goals to shoot for. It's the crippling punishment we put on us that doesn't have to happen. Make an effort to change and see progress. It won't happen overnight. It won't even happen as fast as we want. But it will happen if you want it bad enough to do what it takes. If you don't then you better accept the results and move on.

You ladies don't realize that you have the power to change the world.

Seriously.

Guys will do whatever it takes to get your attention. We will work out to catch your eye, wear nice clothes so you take notice, drive a nice car to impress, bathe enough to keep the funk off, approach you when we are terrified at what you might say, give you flowers just because, even get great jobs so we can buy you nicer things.

YOU are what we want more than anything. More than a high score on X-box. More than season tickets to the Packers. More than new power tools, More than winning the March Madness brackets, more than our 55 inch TV (well... maybe), more than all the other girls in our past, more than money, fame, or bigger feet. More than anything.

We will do whatever you LET US DO. If that means we can get fat and lazy, we will. If that means we can treat you like an old dishrag, we will. If that means we can disregard what you say or think, we will. If that means we don't have to commit our love to you, we won't. If that means we can have another girl or ten on the side, we will. If that means we can wear our pants down our butt and show you the draws we have under them, we (unfortunately) will. If we don't have to brush our teeth or even bath occasionally, we won't.

So why do you accept mediocrity? When you do, you will be guaranteed to get it! It's time to reset the bar. It's time to expect more from guys. Start today. Don't settle for “good enough”. You CAN get that person in your life who will make it all seem like a dream. Someone who will add to your already good life, bring something more than a pretty face or a wallet. Someone who will help with the house and the kids. Someone who loves you enough to let you have some time without him, just because. Someone who will be supportive of who you are, what you do, and what you want for the future. Someone who will be a caring and compassionate lover and your best friend. Someone who thinks you are the reason he is the luckiest guy in the world. He has YOU.

If you are seeing someone who does not do all of this and more, don't try and explain the why's and what's. Don't make excuses. Don't think life is not fair. Don't stay for the kids. Don't say “soon” or “later”. If you don't change your life now, you may as well get comfortable and know things will only get worse.

You say you don't know how? It's easy. Just.....


KICK HIM TO THE CURB!

EPIPHANY

EPIPHANY: a sudden realization or comprehension of the larger essence or meaning of something

Yea... I had one of THOSE recently about someone who had inspired me to write... before and now.

She was one of the few regrets in my life.... One that got away.... One that, if I had acted a bit different, maybe we would still be together. Even years later.... Even now....

Let me tell you about it, since I can't seem to keep much to myself.....

We met online. We will call her Katherine because her name is Katherine. Of course, I was not expecting much when we met. Why would she stand out from all the other people? A 1000 years ago (it SEEMS that long!) I used to get all excited and worked up to meet a young lady, but crushed hopes and squashed expectations have finally worn me down to reality. It actually is BETTER now because it is easier to be ME, and THAT is who you want your date to be with right??? Maybe it's that, many times I've found great people and wanted to spend more time with them, but they didn't feel the same. Maybe it's the years of being single. Maybe I'm just becoming an old poop...

Don't get me wrong, I still have great hopes, but my feet are planted firmly on the ground and the pulse does not quicken at the prospects of a first date.

Anyway..........

My first date with Katherine was at Carrabba's. To say it was much nicer than I expected would not do it justice. Her smile made me crumble, her conversation made me think, and it took me no time at all to know I wanted to spend more time with this amazing lady. Even the WATER tasted better!

We saw each other more, but I always got the feeling that she wasn't really into me like I was beginning to feel about her. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR............. Here I go again! One of the last times we spent was a nice picnic and a drive in her convertible. I was even more convinced that I wanted to be a part of her life...

…. and she was just as convinced that I shouldn't.

She was gone.

Fast forward a year or so....

From out of nowhere (OK, maybe all the telepathic messages I sent her FINALLY registered!) she wanted to see me again. I was sooooooooooooo happy. Despite all the time that had passed, all the old feelings came back quickly. Going against all my regular reactions, I was smitten, still.

We saw each other more but this time things were different. I felt actual romance, much more sensual, and more personal. She was beginning to see what I had been telling her all along – I was a great match for her! I took a vote and it was unanimous! (full disclosure – I was the only one who actually voted)

I was not in a rush to intimacy, but in these later years, I don't actually think too much about THAT. If the time is right, it happens. When is the time right? When both of the people involved WANT to. No time tables, no schedules, no secret incantations, no cash changing hands! Everything seemed natural and headed to something more than just a good time...

Valentine's day was fast approaching and we were planning to spend it together. What would we do??? I was soooooo out of practice! I figured we would go to a nice place to eat and have our usual great time and I could get through one of these days without something awful happening. My past is littered with Valentines gone wrong, relationships ending, and not in a lets-stay-friends kind of way. It surprises me that as corny as I am about that special someone in my life, this particular holiday does not fill my mind with fond memories.

Going out with Katherine on this night, unbeknownst to her, was a big deal and a sign that we were going where I was hoping all along – to be more than dating. I wanted her to be more.. She was (and is) fantastic. It had been years since Ciera and my life had definitely felt somewhat empty. I had always said I was open to all the great things having a significant other brings and I would NOT miss being single at all...

Anyway....

I did the unusual (for me) and I got a few things for someone NOT my girlfriend on this day. I didn't splurge or anything, just a bottle of wine that she liked and a dozen pink roses (yes, those in the picture), plus I wrote two poems that I had come spilling out of me just for HER, just for this moment, just because she had touched me deeply. (see “With You” and “You Came Back”). It seemed everything was perfect........

She had other plans.

When I got to her house, I was stunned by her big smile and the fact she made it clear we were staying IN tonight... Oh my....

She was happy, a fact she couldn't hide if she tried. She looked so beautiful in an elegant dress that made her curves just a bit curvier and making me feel like I was the only man on earth. Either she cared as deeply as I did or she was a serial killer that was luring me in.

Either way, I was falling...

I found out why she was giddy. She had a personal chef come to her home and prepare a multiple-course meal and her only instructions were that every food was to be an aphrodisiac.

Oh my........

She had a bar in the basement and took me down there to fix some chocolate martinis. She knew I had a weakness for chocolate and NOT just in my choice of dates! They were so tasty. This was going to be a night I would never forget...

Everything the chef brought out was heavenly. Even the things I normally think are better meant for the compost pile were making my taste buds dance with delight. It seemed the food-parade would never end, and with the way it tasted, we didn't WANT it to! I was overwhelmed. And full.

My normal routine for this holiday was to make it uneventful. A normal day. Probably would have made a box of mac n cheese and if I was living dangerously, might have added some tuna or chopped onions. This was much more satisfying!

And so much more to look forward to....

Like I said, there was no rush to intimacy. I enjoyed our hugs and kisses more and more. As time moved on I knew this wasn't a “need” or “desire” but it truly was love and affection for someone very, very special. The best part was, she seemed to be feeling it for ME too! Such a long journey since Carrabbas so long ago....

She admitted to me that there were a few reasons we didn't work out earlier. The fact I was a different race didn't help, but the big thing was I was not working when we first met really bothered her. She is successful, not only as a single mother, but as a business owner. She didn't tolerate second-best and wasn't about to invite an unemployed bum into her life.

If only she looked beyond the obvious...

Yes, I was not working. Yes I was different than she was used to. I was not working because I was trying to get my professional life in order, starting a new career path since insurance had become such a negative industry. I was living on my own using my savings, and not behind on the bills plus I paid for all the times we went out. If she would have just seen THAT and not focused on the deadbeat side, things may have worked out then. But that was all in the past.

meanwhile....

Once the food stopped coming at us in waves, and we were so full we couldn't hardly move, we moved into the theater room. I could tell the drinks had finally gotten to her and she was past the feel-good stage and moving to feeling queasy. I was mildly disappointed, but as the night progressed so perfectly, I was still in heaven. Knowing this breathtaking woman had planned out the night for us to enjoy meant I wasn't just dreaming about being with her. It COULD happen.

Just not tonight.

She had expected me to stay the night so I did. By the time we had retired to her room, the alcohol had taken over and she was woozy, room spinning, all she could do was sleep it off. I didn't have to MAKE love to BE in love.... and I was. There would be other nights, many I hoped.

I slept a bit uncomfortably, as I was concerned about her, trying to make her feel better but she didn't want touched or even thought about. I got the message loud and clear and stayed on my side of that enormous bed.

In the morning, her puppy dog needed to be taken for a walk so I took care of that while she slept. We had a nice discussion but he wasn't about to give me any secrets about his owner! It was fun to be out and about, knowing that my world was going to change for the better now that Katherine was in it. I now knew what people talking about “walking on air” meant. Life was good.

Not so good for poor hung-over K. She had gotten sick in her bathroom so of course, I took care of that too. The last thing I wanted my baby doing was cleaning up while she was feeling ill. A labor of love to be sure. It's funny to be happy doing something like that but I was.

I was playing with the puppy dog when she finally woke up enough to say she felt horrible. I asked if there was anything I could do, and all she said was to leave her be. Of course I told her I would and prepared to leave.

It was then that I lost her....

She mistook my leaving without a hug or kiss to mean I was angry. She thought my disappointment in not having sex had affected me and now I was just going to leave in a huff. Now SHE was mad.... She couldn't have been farther from the truth if she was on Mars. I felt sympathy for her being sick. I felt love and affection for her because of how she was and grateful for the previous dreamlike night. I felt the anticipation of a future unknown but of limitless possibilities.

Apparently the LIMIT was reached last night.

No matter what I told her, she believed what she believed and there was no changing her mind. That's one of the curses of loving strong-willed women. I was crushed. My storybook second chance now was feeling like strike 3 and I'm out.

She was gone again.

In the almost two years since, a week has not gone by without her coming into my mind. I would feel the touch of her hand, the warmth of her heart, the connection we had....

then I would wake up.

I held out hope all this time, occasionally contacting her and seeing if a door could be opened again. She has been quite clear and consistent in saying she wanted no relationship. I kept living in fantasy land and she would keep trying to put my feet in reality. Happened a few times actually, so I am confused that this last time I finally left the dream go.

Is there a logical reason why? Maybe as time heals, it educates as well. It was long overdue that I see she was gone and not coming back.

She's not coming back....

I finally know....

….. and my heart breaks... again