100,000 plus....

 Holy cow! 

As I was trying to prepare another post, I noticed the statistics had changed DRAMTICALLY since the last time I checked. Over 100,000?????

How can THAT be???? 

The last time I wrote about views was in January, 2021. 50,000 was such a large number I couldn't even imagine all the folks who have stopped by. 

Now, just four and a halfish years later, ANOTHER 50,000 sets of eyes looked in? 

This got me to thinking, which period of time has been the most views? I broke it down to the times I've commented on this very subject - 

August 20th, 2025  101,642 views - avg  31 per day since

January 26th, 2021  50,000 views - avg 10 per day since

January 2nd, 2018  39,000 views - avg 22 per day since

November 18th, 2016  30,000 views - avg 13 per day since

January 11th, 2015  25,000 views - avg 13 per day since

July 3rd, 2014  20,000 views - avg 4 per day since

January 26th, 2013  6,000 views - avg 4 per day since

March 28, 2009 First posting

Am I writing about more interesting things? Maybe. Mom's journey IS a story that has many chapters in it.

Am I writing a lot less? Oh yes! In the past five years, I posted only 18 times. There were some years it was much more. 2012 I wrote 55!

How do I explain the difference? 

I really can't. 

Maybe it's the sheer number of postings that make it more possible for folks to have them directed here. I hope it's not one or two people with an unhealthy obsession! hahaha

I was hoping when I was alone again, the urge to write would come back more often. Doesn't see to be working that way. Topics come into my head but nothing gets fleshed out from it. Maybe that will change as I get more time to spend in my imagination. 

There's always hope though, right? 

AUGUST 11th, 2025

 

I still can't  process the loss of Mom being gone. A whole year? Impossible. The memories of her are so vivid, so clear, so fresh, that it MUST have been more recent. 

.... and yet....

She has been. It was around 2:30am that I got the call that seems to have emptied my soul. 

What has happened in these last 365 days? 

I struggled to get a job, I struggled to find some purpose that could come close to what I had been doing the last 9 years or so. I struggled to find joy. 

I struggled.   

Still struggle. 

What did I expect? Life had centered around Mom for almost a decade. I had grown old. I stayed happy because I could still make Mom laugh. It was a bad day when she didn't even crack a smile, which happened, but not often. What COULD I expect when I go from a 24/7 responsibility to now being responsible for no one? 

Maybe I thought I could be more active dating. Nope. Not much desire. 

Maybe I thought I could find a job that allowed me to travel. Nope. No time or money for that. 

Maybe I thought I could just move on and be happy that Mom is in a better place. Nope. I miss her, and selfishly wish she was still here with me. 

Maybe I'm not as good of a human being as I thought!

Since 52 weeks have passed, some changes have been made, small that they may be. 

I've lost weight. 

Yes, it's been a long, and often a frustrating battle. My I-don't-care attitude has always gotten in the way of successful body shaping. This last battle was a long fast. 44 days of not eating, just drinking water and Crystal Light. I started at 295 pounds, which is ridiculous, because I am NOT a nose tackle! Through the sixish weeks of determination to shed this extra poundage, I had a bag of chips staring me in the face every day. Every day I said no. It felt good to fit into clothes better than before. It felt even better to win over the temptations I know are not helpful. I got down to 240, but knew I would gain some back. Never, and I mean NEVER will I be that heavy again. 

I'm still not at anywhere near my ideal weight, but knowing the battle can and will be won is a positive step, no doubt. Will I continue to be inspired? Time will tell, but one thing has proven out - the attitude is gone. Good riddance. 

Weight loss is probably why my knees are not as uncomfortable as before. Another positive step. I got an inversion table to help with the arthritis too. Small victories. I have worked on being able to walk longer and stand longer as time goes on. It's an ongoing challenge that will likely never end. Avoiding knee-replacement is the goal. So far, so good. 

While joy has mostly eluded me this last year, I do see it making an appearance in the future. How can I be so confident? Because one of the decisions I made that actually was correct, was to attend an event in Portland, Oregon this year with some of my Econoline friends I've known for years. 

I haven't laughed so hard and so often as when the four of us got together for a few days, thousands of miles from home. I forgot all that was bringing my spirits down and just enjoyed the moments with these characters. There is a lot to be thankful for in the last year, but none more than the family of Econoliners that had made Mom and I welcome, no matter where we popped up. 

Every day, I wonder if Mom will come to me in a dream or send some other thought my way. Every day the answer is, nope. I don't lose hope that one day I will, but just having the memories of my lifetime with her, makes me grateful that she was my Mom. I know there were moments she was proud. I know there were a few that she wasn't. 

I wasn't the perfect son. She helped me become a better man. 

What would I say to her, if I could have one more conversation? 

I would say, in the year that has flashed by, that she is no longer here in body, yet she is more in spirit than ever. Every day I speak to her. Every day I let her know I miss her. I don't know if she hears me, but I remember our times together as some of the best in my life. I hope she doesn't feel like she was a burden. She dealt with her challenges with a smile, making it easier for me to deal with the endless changes that occurred relentlessly. I would hope she knows that if I had to do it all over again, I would spend even more time with her, before the memory loss kicked in, so I had even more things to reflect on. 

I wonder what she would say to me? 

ME in '23

As I look back on the posts here, I find a lot of "Mom" and very little on "me". Why is not a hard question to answer. My life is very centered on Mom and her care. It doesn't leave much for me. 

Ironically, even if I was to have all the time in the world right now, I couldn't take full advantage of the opportunity. Arthritis has taken a good hold of me, and has spread, making even a short walk or just an hour or two of garage time seem daunting. Like everyone who has ever been afflicted, we never imagined it would happen to us. 

Staying active clearly only does so much. 

I used to walk for hours, as it was an easy way to control my weight. Now, I have never weighed more and the attitude I have fought my whole life, of not caring that much, has returned. Caring for Mom is harder, but we fight thru and keep laughing. 

The other irony is, I feel I am a MUCH better person, son, and citizen than I ever was. I will admit that happiness is a constant companion now, as with age came wisdom. Yes, my bucket has changed DRAMATICALLY, but I'm sure that is not uncommon.Yes, my hopes and dreams have been altered by this experience. But that doesn't make them bad or unwanted. Just evolved. 

Mom has helped me become less selfish and more understanding. Lynn has helped me be more aware of politics and current events. Sunil has reminded me I'm not getting any younger, and Ivanne has given me much to think about. I'm about to turn "almost 60" and I know exactly where the years went. 

In my teens, I was unhappy with who I was and insecure about what I could do. But I DID get my first motorcycle! 

In my 20's, I got my first Econoline, was still insecure, still trying to find my way, still dreaming of success.

In my 30's, I found my happy place, bought a house, got married (and divorced...ugh), moved to Philly, and finally was a success at work. 

In my 40's, I tried to convert my experience in the insurance industry to something else more fulfilling. I failed. Moved to DC, discovered I like writing, and moved back to PA. 

In my 50's, Mom came to live with me for good, her memory issues have gone from mild to crippling, we added Dester to our family, and met a LOT of Econoline people that are GOOD folks. We drove cross-country and squished our toes in the Pacific Ocean, met Jay Leno, and had my eyes open to the ways of the world.

What will the 60's bring? 

I'm sure I will be surprised at whatever happens. You can plan forever, but when the time comes, it may or may not happen as you thought. I imagined I would be close to retirement, with a pile of money invested to live out my days travelling, Econolining, and in general, living the good life. Guess I will move to plan B...

There is absolutely no regret in taking care of Mom and sacrificing the last 8 years for her. It is a trade I would make EVERY time. Just seeing her awaken with a smile every morning lets me know I am where I need to be. 

I see classmates passing away and it makes me question everything. Thankfully, I am at peace with where I am and happy to have lived the life I did and to have done MUCH more than that insecure teenager could have dreamed. 

Everyone should be so lucky...

CHARLES BARKLEY

 

It's funny how time changes perspective on so many things. Life, events, music, family, almost everything changes importance or significance as the years roll on by. 

I was reminded of this by the young man pictured, who happens to be in the news lately - Charles Barkley. 

It wasn't through an unexpected phone call or text from Chuck, although that would be something to write about! How did he get my number? Why reach out to a stranger in Pennsylvania? Why am I asking so many questions about something that never happened??? 

No.... it was because so much speculation has come his way recently, and it made me smile, thinking of how differently I view Mr Barkley these days compared to when he was a terror on the basketball court. 

Back in the day, I WASN'T a fan. 

I'm generally not a fan of anyone that, in my eyes, acts a fool or is arrogant. Yup, I cheer more for the Barry Sanders type than the guy trying to be the center of attention. Although I agreed with Charles on his infamous quote on NOT being a role model, the rest of the time I was cheering against him. 

I have to admit, I was completely, totally, and without a doubt, WRONG about him. I hope the basketball Gods didn't take my opinions to heart and keep Sir Charles from winning an NBA title! 

Why the change of heart? 

You only have to watch a few minutes of him on TV to see a genuine and honest human being that not only entertains, but earns the respect of anyone listening. You may not always agree with his opinions, but you gotta love his passion.

Chuck has had his share of challenges since leaving the court, but he has persevered and succeeded beyond anyone's imagination. If he can overcome that legendary golf swing of his and still enjoy the game, he can do ANYTHING! 

He is able to laugh at himself constantly, and when asked a question, thinks a bit deeper than you may have expected from anyone else. He is the kind of guy you hope to have as a friend, and smart enough to have learned from his vast experience. 

Charles has gone from a guy I hope loses, to one that I'm happy to see him winning in life. If I ever get to meet this young man, I surely have questions to ask - but not before I ask his forgiveness for my stupidness and lack of vision to see the man as he is... a national treasure and a one to be proud of. 

NOW & THEN - WOMEN

It was Betty White's 97th birthday the day I started this post. In January 2022, she would have been 100 years young.What a life she has led!

No, I don't have an unhealthy attraction towards her, but it DID make me think about something. It made me think about the changes in what we want in the opposite sex, as time goes on. 

Not everyone has to ponder this type of thing. A LOT of folks are happily married to their best friend. Some people are living with their future spouse. But, unfortunately, there are a few of us (OK, maybe more than a FEW) that AREN'T. 

As I looked back, deep into the past, I just shook my head at what I thought was important in a woman. The most important thing was, did she like me? Not much else mattered because I was so insecure. No wonder I was such a failure with the ladies.  

Our vision when we are young is so limited. We don't have the benefit of time and experience to know what is good for us. We don't have the wisdom to look past a pretty face or an alluring shape. 

Sitting here and thinking about my "ideal", it starts at being attractive. Then quickly evolves to "is she interesting?" Going forward, it's soooo much more than just mutual attraction any more. 

But what does "attractive" mean? Yes, it means that when I look at her, I want to smile. I want to feel fortunate that she is with me. But, now in my 50's, it goes beyond the obvious. It isn't the pretty face that is compelling, but the personality and character that matter most. Unfortunately, that makes a search for someone who fits that description even harder. There are MANY more "gorgeous" people out there than there are interesting and compassionate. 

I found out, during my dating days, that the person who had opinions, had an open mind, wanted to learn and experience new things, was GREAT at something, and laughed at my jokes was the one I wanted to spend time with. They may have been short or tall, younger or older, thick or thin, it didn't seem to matter as much what package this cool person was in. One would think that I would have found her by now, yet success eluded me - mostly because of my bad decisions. I let the good ones go away, finding a deal breaker somewhere. What an idiot. 

The worst scenario was when I would find someone who seemed like a perfect fit, despite there being a fatal flaw, more times than not that flaw was they didn't like me as much as I did them. Living in the POSSIBILITIES can be harmful to one's mental health. Believe me, I know! Having it happen once is bad enough, but some of us are so thick-headed that we don't accept the teaching of just ONE heartbreak. Nope. We need CONFIRMATION that we are a moron by doing the exact same thing AGAIN. 

Ugh....

As I look back on my social life, I certainly can't complain. There have been some truly great human beings that I had the honor to know, there have been some truly disappointing people I didn't want to know, and there have been more than a few that were nice, but not for me. We all, I'm sure, have a few folks that got away for one reason or another. In looking back, there are more than a few that I prolly could have been happily-ever-after with. I just wasn't ready I suppose. 

So what would I have to offer now that I'm older and slightly wiser? 

I have more patience than ever. I am more informed on many topics. I am more worldly. I am more educated on who exactly would be a good match. I am more compassionate. I am MUCH more confident. 

It's a shame that all those qualities took a lifetime to acquire. Oh well, better late than never, right???

As far as Betty goes, she is gone now, and the world is lesser for it. She was a shining example of someone who didn't need a child or a man to make her happy. She lived her life and worked on her own terms. She won at life and we are all better for knowing her, if even from a distance...