AUGUST 11th, 2025

 

I still can't  process the loss of Mom being gone. A whole year? Impossible. The memories of her are so vivid, so clear, so fresh, that it MUST have been more recent. 

.... and yet....

She has been. It was around 2:30am that I got the call that seems to have emptied my soul. 

What has happened in these last 365 days? 

I struggled to get a job, I struggled to find some purpose that could come close to what I had been doing the last 9 years or so. I struggled to find joy. 

I struggled.   

Still struggle. 

What did I expect? Life had centered around Mom for almost a decade. I had grown old. I stayed happy because I could still make Mom laugh. It was a bad day when she didn't even crack a smile, which happened, but not often. What COULD I expect when I go from a 24/7 responsibility to now being responsible for no one? 

Maybe I thought I could be more active dating. Nope. Not much desire. 

Maybe I thought I could find a job that allowed me to travel. Nope. No time or money for that. 

Maybe I thought I could just move on and be happy that Mom is in a better place. Nope. I miss her, and selfishly wish she was still here with me. 

Maybe I'm not as good of a human being as I thought!

Since 52 weeks have passed, some changes have been made, small that they may be. 

I've lost weight. 

Yes, it's been a long, and often a frustrating battle. My I-don't-care attitude has always gotten in the way of successful body shaping. This last battle was a long fast. 44 days of not eating, just drinking water and Crystal Light. I started at 295 pounds, which is ridiculous, because I am NOT a nose tackle! Through the sixish weeks of determination to shed this extra poundage, I had a bag of chips staring me in the face every day. Every day I said no. It felt good to fit into clothes better than before. It felt even better to win over the temptations I know are not helpful. I got down to 240, but knew I would gain some back. Never, and I mean NEVER will I be that heavy again. 

I'm still not at anywhere near my ideal weight, but knowing the battle can and will be won is a positive step, no doubt. Will I continue to be inspired? Time will tell, but one thing has proven out - the attitude is gone. Good riddance. 

Weight loss is probably why my knees are not as uncomfortable as before. Another positive step. I got an inversion table to help with the arthritis too. Small victories. I have worked on being able to walk longer and stand longer as time goes on. It's an ongoing challenge that will likely never end. Avoiding knee-replacement is the goal. So far, so good. 

While joy has mostly eluded me this last year, I do see it making an appearance in the future. How can I be so confident? Because one of the decisions I made that actually was correct, was to attend an event in Portland, Oregon this year with some of my Econoline friends I've known for years. 

I haven't laughed so hard and so often as when the four of us got together for a few days, thousands of miles from home. I forgot all that was bringing my spirits down and just enjoyed the moments with these characters. There is a lot to be thankful for in the last year, but none more than the family of Econoliners that had made Mom and I welcome, no matter where we popped up. 

Every day, I wonder if Mom will come to me in a dream or send some other thought my way. Every day the answer is, nope. I don't lose hope that one day I will, but just having the memories of my lifetime with her, makes me grateful that she was my Mom. I know there were moments she was proud. I know there were a few that she wasn't. 

I wasn't the perfect son. She helped me become a better man. 

What would I say to her, if I could have one more conversation? 

I would say, in the year that has flashed by, that she is no longer here in body, yet she is more in spirit than ever. Every day I speak to her. Every day I let her know I miss her. I don't know if she hears me, but I remember our times together as some of the best in my life. I hope she doesn't feel like she was a burden. She dealt with her challenges with a smile, making it easier for me to deal with the endless changes that occurred relentlessly. I would hope she knows that if I had to do it all over again, I would spend even more time with her, before the memory loss kicked in, so I had even more things to reflect on. 

I wonder what she would say to me?