THE LONG GOODBYE IS DONE

 

At around 2:30 this morning, Mom passed on. 

Even as I process it now, the words don't seem real. 

I can see her in my mind, happy as she could be, hugging her 4 sisters for the first time in decades. The last gathering was almost 25 years ago.

They were all so full of joy to be together again. 

I know it was selfish to want to keep her with me longer, but I would have signed up for ANOTHER nine and a half years in a heartbeat. 

I've written a bit about our journey through this difficult disease, almost 10 years of learning, adapting, and moving forward. There is much documented on the stages, the setbacks, the challenges, yet the most important thing I tried to focus on was laughing. Mom could do that often, once she forgot the painful memories of the past. 

These past few months have been particularly difficult, as Mom didn't smile as often, or seem to have much recognition of anything familiar. I feared she was slipping away from me even further, sleeping more than 20 hours a day. Eating changed to mostly drinking these last couple of weeks. Even her assisted "walking", where I took most of her weight, and she moved her feet, was done. I knew Mom was going to leave me soon, but I was NOT ready. 

Last Sunday, I got her up as normal, and everything seemed to go as before. She had her "breakfast" of drinks and yogurt and banana, but she had trouble like she never had before. She started to have real struggles of swallowing, so I stopped, hoping she wouldn't have further issues with food going down the wrong pipe. 

Then, she slept.... and slept... and slept. All the while having a change in her breathing. She had been thru this before, but slept it off with no problems after. This was different. 

I took her to the hospital, a week ago tonight, and she just wouldn't wake up. They put some IV fluids in as we waited for the test results, and they came back as pneumonia, so they gave her some medicine that seemed to even out her breathing. Then they asked if I knew this was just the beginning of the end. I had to admit, I did. 

She didn't wake up all week, although her eyes might have been open occasionally. I knew she had been gone for longer, but she went as we all would want to go... deep in sleep.

Mom kept being Mom, even when there seemed to be nothing of her left. She stayed kind, happy, and easy to take care of. I don't know if she ENJOYED being the center of attention in our household, but I sure was happy to see her smile. Nothing has made me more proud to be her son than being able to be there when she needed me most.

Mom has made me a better man than I was before this all started. I've said this before. She got me to think more of someone else before me. After being on my own for almost 40 years, it was easy to do whatever it took to make Mom a happy woman. 

I hope I made her proud....

DEATH

I had a good conversation with a friend recently about death. It's not a subject that comes up very often, and when it does, it's usually right after we lose someone close. That was not the case today. 

It's funny how the thought of our life ending changes through the years. When we are young, we don't even think about it. As we get older, we may fear it. Some more years go by and we may experience a loss ourselves, giving us a much different perspective. As time keeps rolling, there is the inevitable end and our beliefs of what happens next. 

It's really a fascinating journey. 

My question was more about what my friend would miss if I suddenly was not here.  You never know till you ask the question right??

I wasn't really thinking of an afterlife as much as I was thinking of those left behind. Would anyone miss me? Would anyone have any happy thoughts of our time together?? Would anyone still be mad at me for things I may have done or not??? 

I don't have deep desires to be remembered or missed. There are a few people I know that would be sad, but of the tens of thousands of people that I've met, it seems my influence on them was minimal.

I've dated literally hundreds of people, and so very few ever followed up to find out how life unfolded. Ironically the friend I had this conversation with was one that did. While my reflection towards the past has not resulted in many good experiences, I'm happy that she took the time and asked me how things are. 

Sometimes it makes me question why not more people would take time and reach out, but these times make everything seem so temporary. With all the distractions of modern life, it seems like this is only going to get worse. 

All this focus on the past does not mean I have many regrets though. I'm not sad. I'm not so lonely that I want people around that's don't really care. I just find myself asking questions and trying to figure out the answers. This isn't one of those times where I will come to a firm conclusion though. I'm not really sure there is one easy label I can fit in this situation.

I've written about death a few times, enough to have made it a topic here. Usually people have faith in another existence beyond this lifetime, which provides comfort I'm sure. For me, I just wonder why I haven't made as much of an impact on others as they have. 

Maybe I just need to try harder...

TOM PETTY

Some well known people affect you more than others. It seems the younger one is when the attraction begins, the more powerful the affect is. 

Maybe THAT is why I felt all choked up this morning when I was playing Tom Petty music in the car. I was trying to explain a bit to my rider (who was all of 20), but it didn't register. She was actually not as talkative as usual and was listening to some music that I imagine will be quickly forgotten over time... unlike the tunes that Tom and the  Heartbreakers are so well known for. 

"Damn The Torpedoes" is one of my favorite ways to spend 36 minutes, as every track is familiar and good. Few albums can claim no bad songs! While the songs may be on a simple beat, one can't help but move to the music in some way. 

I am one that doesn't look to the words first when appreciating the songs. As a matter of fact, there are sometimes DECADES until I find out what the ACTUAL lines are instead of what I THINK they are. So it may be funny that I include the words to my favorite TP song and a few lines from others....

REFUGEE lyrics.... (which actually, I wish would inspire a certain SOMEONE - who prolly isn't reading me - to understand the irony of my choice)

We got somethin', we both know it, we don't talk too much about it
Ain't no real big secret, all the same, somehow we get around it
Listen, it don't really matter to me baby
You believe what you want to believe, you see

You don't have to live like a refugee
(Don't have to live like a refugee)

Somewhere, somehow, somebody must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you want to lay there, revel in your abandon
Honey, it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody has to fight to be free, you see

You don't have to live like a refugee
(Don't have to live like a refugee)
No baby you don't have to live like a refugee
(Don't have to live like a refugee)

Baby we ain't the first
I'm sure a lot of other lovers been burned
Right now it seems real to you, but it's
One of those things you gotta feel to be true

Somewhere, somehow, somebody must have kicked you around some
Who knows maybe you were kidnapped tied up,
Taken away and held for ransom
Honey, it don't make no difference to me, baby
Everybody has to fight to be free, you see

You don't have to live like a refugee
(Don't have to live like a refugee)
No baby you don't have to live like a refugee
(Don't have to live like a refugee)

... pieces of a couple songs that hit you...

LETTING YOU GO
I used to think that when this was all over
You might feel different 'bout me
Yeah I always knew, one day you'd come around
Now I wonder if dreams are just dreams

YOU GOT LUCKY

You better watch what you say
You better watch what you do to me
Don't get carried away
Girl, if you can do better than me, go
Yeah go but remember

Good love is hard to find
Good love is hard to find
You got lucky babe
Yeah, you got lucky babe
When I found you-

You put a hand on my cheek
And then you turn your eyes away
If you don't feel complete
If I don't take you all of the way, go

Yeah go, but remember good love
Is hard to find
You got lucky babe
Yeah you got lucky
When I found you

There were so many more in the long career of Petty, and I think you are either a fan of his style or you hate it. I for one will continue to TREASURE the music from days gone by. I will remember his story, of overcoming depression, drugs, and other challenges, and becoming a happy pappy that wanted to enjoy the grandkids and the life he thought he had left. 

Thanx for the memories!

ADDED: Oct 4th

Sometimes you publish a bit too soon. This was the case here. In trying to learn more of Tom Petty, I came across THIS interview. While it IS more than a few minutes, the insight to his thoughts and beliefs ARE worthwhile to not only a fan, but of a person who appreciates honesty and reflection. 

Here are the two parts - [PART 1] [PART 2]

My Obit

I don't want to sound morbid or anything, but I'm sure when you were leafing throught the paper at some point you wondered what your obituary would read like. There are some things you wouldn't know (thank goodness!) like when you passed and what the cause was, and the fact your drunken Uncle Jesse outlived you after all. 

There are some things you WOULD know. Family you would leave behind is listed as well as if/where you worked will be included. Your hometown, what school you went to and the hobbies and/or organizations you participated in will all be in your final headline. I think it should go deeper.

The obits you read in the paper today all seem so generic and cold. Life is not like that at all. Shouldn't it be a celebration of a life led and not just a list of facts and figures?

Thomas William Welcomer, 147, of the 3^rd Mars Province, passed away, Friday, August 8, 2111, at Acme Hospital, Hardware, & Plumbing.

Born June, 1964 in PA-Earth, he was the son of a late absentee father and survived by his Mother and many relatives from various planets, but we could get none that claimed to remember him. When asked about any children, laughter ensued and CPR was performed on a few elderly cousins.

He was allegedly a 1982 graduate of the former Middletown Area High School, now the Larry The Cable Guy School for Gud Lernin. Although his grades would indicate he didn't apply himself, he was known for being punctual and semi-conscious. He was not a member of any known church, but was quoted once as "believing in something".

He was the Founder and only living member of the Kathy Griffin Fan Club, where he religiously sent out requests for a locket of her hair, only to be rejected, even decades after her passing. “She obviously has no sense of humor” Tom was quoted as saying as he was released from the Jack Nicholson Insanity Store, following a 6 month stay. Cloning celebrities, unlike today, was deemed legal during this time, but Griffin was considered an un-celebrity and did not qualify. It was rumored she was relieved and dating a much younger man.

As a youngster, Tom dreamed of flying to the moon, but was later, accidentally shipped to Mars in a package delivery mix-up. Representatives from Federal Ups-Express had no comment. There is no word on why Tom had been bubble-wrapped and sent to the distribution center.

Tom's life changed dramatically, when the former superfoot-model was afflicted with a rare fungus that aged his priceless appendages beyond recognition. It was rumored he caught this disease while walking on a former beach in Atlantic City, New Jersey. 

This area, now 10 feet underwater, used to be a haven for foot models worldwide that wanted to escape the rabid fans and paparazzi of the era. You may remember the cause of the rising water, long-reported to be global warming, was ultimately discovered to be a neighborhood in the Garden District of New Orleans that had left their faucets running.

Tom had no Obamacare credits left after his bout with scurvy and had to turn to the kindness of strangers for rehabilitation. He had to relearn everything involved with his now-grotesque shoe-fillers at the Home for Disfigured Footsters. This Non-Profit agency closed soon after, reportedly due to a toenail fungus scandal.

Tom had been an early investor in the platform sneaker revival, but lost it all when the fad went bust two hours later.

Services were be held at Jimmies Hot Dog Stand, where both people in line received a coupon for half-off a kids drink.

Virtual Interment was handled at the Purina Dog Food, Paintball, and Burial Services, Inc

Online condolences may be expressed, but seriously, he was 147... what's left to say?

In lieu of flowers or Popsicle sticks, donations can be sent to the Make A Sock Foundation, an organization near and dear to Tom's heart.

 

ANOTHER FUNERAL, MORE QUESTIONS...

I attended a funeral yesterday. He was a classmate that I was not close to. In fact, I can't remember a single conversation I ever had with him or his twin brother (who passed away earlier). And yet I was still drawn to going to his service. He wasn't a stranger, yet I knew nothing of his life since high school. All I knew was, at 48, Donnie Leggore was far too young to be gone. I found out he had a daughter and grandchild. He lost his Mom. His older brother and his father were still alive and I can't imagine the pain THEY must be going through. I certainly felt the loss for the family of a nice guy who was simple, hard working, and laid back. I have no idea why I went. It posed more questions than answers.

Was his life successful?

How do you measure the worth of someone's existence?

Is it the number of people at the funeral?
Is it in the children left behind?
Is it the things we leave behind?
Is it the amount of money in the bank?

Death makes many people examine their lives. What they are happy about. What they are sad about. What they have fallen short of accomplishing. Mostly, it comes down to what they SHOULD have done or what they have failed saying to the newly deceased. Therein lies the biggest tragedy...

It all could be avoided so easily by just saying what you feel, not waiting for “the right time” to let that special person know how special they are. If there is something you have been putting off, do it NOW and have no regrets. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

While I don't seem to need an event to make me ponder my own life, this certainly does make me think of his family and how they dealt with the loss. It's a shame that these are one of the few times where families all come together. How sad if that's the case. Instead of finding excuses to NOT spend time, we should be thinking of reasons we do. I'm as guilty as anyone for letting my own solitary ways prevent me from knowing how my cousins are. What is going on in their life? Are they happy? How big of a shithead do they REALLY think I am?

I have no idea.

How does that make me feel?

I feel like my life is unsuccessful, honestly. As comfortable as I am with the idea of death and what lies ahead, I fall short of being the son, brother, cousin, nephew, and uncle I really want to be. Is it tragic for those that I ignore? Nope. They have no way of knowing if I would bring anything worthwhile to their already busy lives. I have obviously made choices that were probably more selfish than I want to admit. Easier, for sure.

I made an effort years ago to try and bring myself closer to those family members that I felt detached from. I told them how I felt, told them I loved them, and then I let them react. If nothing different came from them, I let it go. Looking back, I now know if it truly meant anything to me, I wouldn't keep score of who is contacting who this time. If people really mean anything, it shouldn't matter. You should accept that some folks are not good at keeping in touch or expressing themselves. I am promising myself to try harder.

I want to feel like I won when I am gone, not just content.

I will win when I have no one that is close to me feel like there were things left undone, unsaid, or unsatisfied. I already do that with strangers. Should be easy to do with those that care, huh?

Funeral

I'm attending the funeral of a man I barely knew. I usually don't go to these functions because I don't need a final goodbye, closure, or a free lunch.

This one was different as it was my biological father.

I can't really call him Dad, Father, or even friend as he chose to exclude me from his life. It's a common story these days, as the number of deadbeat dads seems to increase daily.

I came to the conclusion years ago that his decision wasn't going to affect me. I had my Mom, friends, and other family to call my own.

There was a time when I was very young I didn't understand why he didn't want me around, why family reunions didn't invite me, and why we couldn't go visit my cousins I enjoyed so much.

I'm sure it affected me some, but not for long. I talked to Mom about it but she refused to throw him under the bus. She always said her wish would have been for me and him to be closer. I finally just said to myself, "self.... If he's not in your life, then make the best of it". There is no hate or animosity towards him, even as I sit thru the service, listening to how wonderful of a human being he was to so many. His daughters he had later and the family he had married into looked at him much differently than I ever could. Co-workers called him loyal, loving, smiling, dedicated.... All words I could not use.

He's only someone I recognize in pictures.

Memories of him are few and far between, clouded by what I know he did to mom and other wives he had.

I've said for years that I'm a better person BECAUSE he was absent. I like the way I turned out, and he would have only made me less than I am.

That's why there are no "What if's", no "if onlys", no "What could have beens", no tears, no heartbreak, nothing.

I'm glad he seemed to be way different than I know, glad people looked to him as a positive person, glad he seemed happy.

The worst possible thing I can imagine is to lead a life that offers nothing to be proud of, no happy memories in people's minds, no joy that is shared.

I have nothing bad to say.... Unfortunately I have nothing good to say either.