MOTHER'S DAY 2020

So how should I view this Mother's Day in 2020???

Mom never thought of it as such a big deal back in the day, although we tried to make her feel special. She already is a focus 100% of the time NOW, so does this holiday mean anything to her?

 Of course not.

 She doesn't know -

where HOME is.
the year, the month, the date, the day, or the time. the meaning of a holiday, even her own birthday.
the name of her only child.
how to go to the bathroom (most times)
how to bathe.
how to get dressed.
how to use a fork (some times)
too many words that form complete sentences.
much of anything in the past, recent or distant.

So what's the light at the end of the tunnel???

The next really good day.
The next smile.
The next laugh.

 Luckily, it still happens very often.

 I hope everyone enjoys the memories or realities of their mother today... And tomorrow.

PARENTING

this was inspired by a young lady who, after hearing a few stories and thoughts, my first reaction is that her parents get an A+++++++ 

The question then came to mind, "How many kids got as good of a start as this student?" She was down-to-earth, smart, thoughtful, deep-thinking, and compassionate. 

Once again, I will talk about parenting. No, I am NOT, at this time, lucky enough to actually BE a Father, but I WAS a child, and that counts!!! [HERE] are the other postings on the same topic. How is THIS one different? 

I saw in another person, the results of something I didn't experience. Since I had no point of reference, I couldn't relate to a child that got what I didn't. What was so special about this stranger?

She recognized the gifts that are her Mom and Dad. They are far different from each other, so she gets a unique perspective. A duality that few can appreciate. Her Dad is the thinker. He gave her much of the personality she carries with her. He showed her the world. He didn't hide their good fortune and comfortable life compared to others who struggle to live another day. 

Was Mom just background?  Of course not! She was the cheerleader! The bubbly and outgoing pretty girl that disguises the diva within. There is no doubt in my mind that having both in her life helped her to form the well-grounded young lady I was lucky enough to talk to for a few hours. 

This encounter really made me think about what is truly important for a child's development. Of course, love and affection go a long way to creating a happy home. Without it, no pile of money or lavish gifts at Christmas can overcome the emptiness in the child's heart. 

So..... what else?

I'm beginning to believe that seeing the world, or at least a part of it, would educate a child more than an added class in the school year. I'm not talking about a beach or tourist spot. I am specifically thinking of a land where the people are on a different social status. They may have more or less, but showing the difference up close and personal will give a youngster perspective that will last a lifetime. We can all appreciate this country more if we leave it occasionally and visit a far away land. 

I also firmly believe that SHOWING your kid a GOOD, COMPASSIONATE, and FLAWED Mom and Dad will help in their growth. It's quite hard to walk the walk. There have been so many times I witnessed a situation that a youth was being told not to do something that he is seeing other people in the house do every day. What kind of message is that? Ineffective. 

When Jr sees Dad make a mistake, and react in a positive and open-minded way, he will be more likely not be as embarrassed to make a mistake on his own, and deal with it like his Father. Plus, it's a happier way to live...right? 

Compassion is one of the hardest to show. We live in a ME ME ME world and the idea that another person means much is not a common thought. I'm convinced this absense is part of what drives the hate and anger we see daily on the news. Show a kid you think about others and there's a better chance he or she will become more thoughtful. 

Not surprisingly, education is important to a lot of families that send their kids to college. This in itself doesn't mean much, but the idea that we need to learn is an important trait to a successful upbringing. Humanity and the environment we live in constantly changes so we need to be able to adapt with it. 

Dealing with challenges can reveal the shortcomings in all of us. Stress and confusion will make us follow a bad decision or make a wrong choice. Recognizing and correcting these are important for a child to see and be involved in. They should learn how to make an INFORMED decision and stand by the results. Even if they didn't go as expected. 

Finding something your offspring is good at can be like finding that lost sock in the dryer. Not everyone has a gift at a young age. I don't think we need to be GREAT to be supported and encouraged though. It could be something as simple as a kind word to a stranger, or helping without being asked. The fact you recognize and validate is enough to make us feel pretty good about ourselves. Growing up, we NEED that more than at any other time in our lives. 

I could go on and on, but I know this isn't an easy thing to do in reality. If it was, there would be more well-adjusted men and women out there changing the world. As it is, kids are sometimes handicapped by their upbringing. The strong ones persevere. The less-strong sometimes wilt under the stress. There's no question which child we all want to call our own. The only question is, are you doing enough to increase the chances for your child's success. 

Are you? 

SINGLE MOMS

I have said for years (and a few times on here!) the true heroes of our world are those inspiring single Moms.

They have such a huge responsibility, and yet do the job without complaining and turn out great kids in the process. So many have crossed my path thru the years I am no longer surprised when I meet another one.

How do they find the time to do everything needed to bring up a child right AND take care of their home and themselves??? They not only make it look easy, they do it with a smile and positive outlook for the future. They make you wonder just how much BETTER would the kids life be if Dad WAS around 24/7.

Some get blamed for bad choices, but that is hardly fair. No one has an unblemished record when it comes to choosing a mate. Some may have needed public assistance, but the ones I knew got off of it as soon as the need disappeared. Some DO have the Fathers involved and make sure their kids see love and affection from all sides.

I understand the skepticism when I came around, possibly being in their lives. It's hard to trust a new face around your little ones and I respected that. A new person with Mom is a big deal in a child's eyes. I also knew that they should be careful when we first started going out since safety was the biggest concern. Sometimes, the people I was seeing were viewed as "bitchy" but in reality, were just confident and focused women.

They have so much to worry about - feeding the kids, schooling, keeping everyone healthy, paying the bills, clothing everybody, and last but not least, taking care of THEMSELVES.

What brought this on?

 I was walking with my own Mom, who was single when I was very small. She would miss meals because the whopping $80 a week she was earning didn't go far enough to feed herself every day. I was a happy but a sickly child, so medical bills had to be paid. She came from Germany and couldn't speak English when she first arrived. I remembered all these things as we walked, and if anyone asks how difficult it is to take care of HER now, I just think, it's my turn...

Tell your Mom you love her today. She earned it.

FATHERS DAY 2015

I've written about fatherhood a few times, which is funny since I am NOT one....

I have reflected on my own experiences as a child to a Father in [MEMORIES OF SONHOOD], exposed my dream job of being a stay-at-home Dad in [MY DREAM JOB], dissected the reasons for creating these wondrous lil human we call kids in [HAPPY FATHERS DAY!], admitted the crushing disappointment of being childless on a day it mattered in [INSPIRATION], and about my own biological “father” in [FUNERAL]. This time, I will take this occasion to paint a picture of what being a Dad would be like to ME.

We all have a vision of who we would be in any given situation. Most of the time, we are right (I hope!), but in many cases, we are FAR from correct in guessing our reaction to a challenge. I KNOW being a great parent is one of the biggest challenges we face as a human being in today's world. There are countless distractions for kids to be influenced by and far too much focus on eliminating fear and disappointment in childhood.

I couldn't disagree more.

Kids have always been stronger and smarter than we give them credit for. Yes, we all make mistakes. Yes sometimes they were serious errors in judgment, but life as an adult is ALWAYS about making choices. We SHOULD be letting kids make some mistakes on the minor issues so that on the major ones, they have an idea what they SHOULD do. A Father has a large part in this, or SHOULD have.

Many families are either single-parents or blended. That makes it more difficult to have a proper influence but certainly not impossible. I'm sure you know a LOT of good father figures that touch the lives of children in a positive way. I sometimes wonder how I would be in that environment.

I've had the good fortune of spending time with more than a few kids that were without their Dad full-time. I think my compassion comes from the recognition of what I was needing but not getting. I always wanted to be a certain way with the little ones, in spite of not having any mini-me's of my own.

If I was their Father, I would -

….be supportive and positive when it is warranted. I think one of the mistakes we are making in preparing the next generation is the acceptance of mediocrity. We CAN applaud the effort but if the result is crap, then you are doing the young adult no good in thinking they did well when the reality is they didn't. That doesn't mean always expecting the best, as we are not all talented or gifted in life. It DOES mean, encouraging our lil one to always strive for better. We can enjoy the result but admit also we can improve.

…. teach my kids how to make a good decision. It isn't always “right” or “wrong” that gets us in trouble. It's usually not preparing for the worst. If we speed on the highway, we should realize that we could get a ticket and pay a fine or worse. Is getting there a few minutes earlier worth the risk? Looking at the situation from many angles helps us make the right choice most times. Unless we don't think we will get caught! Sometimes, this will mean punishment for my child and I will love them enough to follow through with it. Kids NEED limits and authority. I will provide BOTH so that they know what is and isn't worth the risk.

…. show my kids love and affection. Most of life's tragedies are based on what we DIDN'T do. How many criminals incarcerated right now would be leading a much different life if only they were given the attention of a LOVED one. Knowing you have a hug waiting, no matter what, goes a long way towards having a happy childhood. A happy childhood has a better chance of producing a happy adulthood and neighborhood.

…. show my kids the joy of compassion. Of course, the hardest part would be showing that compassion on the road while driving, but..... Taking a moment and looking through the eyes of another changes perspective so many times. If we truly want to change a life, selflessness MUST be a part of the solution. Greed and self-absorption certainly hasn't worked thus far.

…. be interested in what my kids are thinking and doing. I know life today has a lot going on. Just earning enough money to exist is a challenge for a large part of the world. We may have to work extra or at odd hours, so being a part of the family can seem like a dream. The times we kids felt most special though, is when Mom or Dad took the time to be in the moment with us. Only us and them. The world was just the two of us and those memories are forever burned into our minds.

…. be a great role model. In spite of popular opinion, it's what we SAW as a kid that mattered more than what was SAID. You can TELL a teenager that they shouldn't smoke, but if you are smoking yourself, the words are empty. You have to WALK the walk as well as talk the talk. If I want my child to be better than me, I MUST show them BETTER is BETTER. If they see ME improving, they will themselves improve too.

…. show my kids what a great relationship looks like. Hopefully this is with THEIR MOTHER, but you know some times we mess up. They should still be able to witness mutual respect, love, and affection so they know it's possible. I'm afraid too many souls out there wouldn't know what a great partner looks like or how to find one. That is truly tragic.

…. be financially responsible so my family doesn't struggle just getting by. This goes to making good choices. Money can be spent any number of ways, a LOT of them would go under the “foolish” tab. Having dependents means you make sacrifices, you learn to say “no” when it should be said, and you don't depend on “things” to make a child happy. I grew up thinking that and luckily realized much later in life that THINGS are really NOT important. Spending a half-hour playing catch is much more memorable than playing a new video game that will soon be replaced with the newest new game. This also means I might not have the newest car for myself or the the latest fashions, but it will all seem so insignificant years later when I am proud of my child still being proud of ME.

…. share my dreams with my kids. I want them to never give up on hoping for something or reaching farther than they did before. I would want them to see failure so they too could deal with the realities of losing. It isn't the actual fail, it's the reaction that's important. I would love to show how to rebound from a defeat and overcome it later... or not. Whatever the situation, most times it's better to not give up.

…. care about living a longer life. I have to admit, I don't have a concern for tomorrow for myself. I have lived a great life, learned a lot of things, experienced many many successes, and generally improved myself as time went by. Without children or a significant other to keep me going though, the desire to go on is not nearly so strong. Maybe this will change, but....

I think my list above is the same as any new Dad. We want to do it all but life and our own shortcomings get in the way. We fail at some of the important issues in our children's lives. We don't PLAN on it, but it happens. But that doesn't mean we fail forever. We can improve. We can strive for more. We can be better.

Maybe someday I will find out how great of a DAD I REALLY can be.... or not.

MEMORIES OF SONHOOD

I sit here smiling, as the tears dry on my face.

Watching NCIS is usually entertaining, but seeing the episode that introduces us to Gibb's Dad (Heartland,Season 6) brought out some emotions that were impossible to contain. I always lose control when hearing/reading/watching a father and son moment.

There's no mystery why.

In writing “Funeral”, I gave a bit of insight to who my biological father was and the role he played in my life... the all to familiar “absentee” label applies, and brought the usual childhood insecurities. Thankfully, I was able to make lemonade out of that situation without therapy or anti-depressants and became stronger and wiser in dealing with the fact that my “Dad” - the person who I always wanted to look up to, the person who I would always turn to for advice, the person I wanted to aspire to be – was none of those. In fact, he wasn't all that likeable in my eyes.

The image of what a Father SHOULD be came from the TV mostly. Mike Brady, John Walton (ironic!), Ben Cartwright, Charles Ingalls, Ward Cleaver, Lucas McCain, all had the strong, sensitive, smart and fair qualities we all wish for. They didn't have a bad day, a wrong opinion, or a harsh word. They brought their kids up the right way and wouldn't stand for a world that wasn't fair.

My reality was far different.

I find that there are two kinds of people in the world that have influence or authority over you. Those that show you what to do the right way, and those that show you what NOT to do. I got a LOT of examples of what not to do growing up and beyond, but unfortunately, haven't been lucky enough to be able to pass this knowledge down to my own mini me's.

Like I wrote about in “Inspiration”, there are times when the enormous hole that exists in my soul gets exposed. Fatherhood is something special, beyond words that, as of today, looks like I won't experience. It's not tragic, it's not anything but a choice and most of the time, I am at peace.

But that is not where these tears come from.

Memories of a great Dad haven't been erased, forgotten, or re-written. They were never there. The source of the emotional waterfall isn't in my past. It's in my dreams.... Of times so personal, only he and I would know. The everythings he would teach me, the stories he would tell, the pride in his eyes, and the love that bonded us in every way.... Knowing that others DO have these moments, sharing in their joy, reminds of missed opportunities and unfulfilled wishes.

The memories I DO have fall far short of the fantasyland of television.

I had a step-dad that did his best, but he had many issues that prevented him from being all he could be, as a role model or loving husband, friend, or parent. He is the person I call Dad because he was there. He tried to engage both his daughter and me, but unfortunately for him and us, he had no idea of how.

He was a bit manic as we later learned. He would be cool one day, giving us glimpses of his sense of humor, the next day he would be a real bastard. One day he would buy us something that brought smiles, but the moment he was disappointed, and he was disappointed a LOT, he would throw that gift in your face as the reason we should have done better. It got to be that we didn't even WANT anything, knowing what was to come.

No one really knew him. Even his own sister had no answers as to why he was like he was. The only possibilities that came up were the loss of his 3 best friends in a car accident and the death of his father very early in his life. His own Dad was very harsh in the treatment of his boy. On the bad days, obviously this came out directed at us and it seemed there were more bad than good when we were young.

It is sad to know that he never fully recovered from the events of so long ago. Dad also passed far too soon at age 55 and as I creep closer to this number, I realize how difficult it must have been for him, and I only wish I could have helped.

If you have a Dad that listens to you, cares for you, shows their affection for you, is proud of you, takes time for you, and is there for you whenever you need them – know that you have something more precious than all the stock on Wall Street.

You have memories, not reruns, of your hero....

NOT GONE..... JUST A MOMENT AWAY

My cool cuz Steph lost her father-in-law yesterday. Papa Ed, as she called him, won his long war on cancer. I say “won” because he no longer has to endure the medication, the withering away of his body, and the suffering his family shared with him. Those who feel the emptiness of a world without him, eventually won't remember the last few months, although they are obviously what comes to mind today. Those who struggled with the unspeakable pain and the impossible task of preparing for his departure will ultimately remember the smiles, the laughs and the love that came with knowing him.

People grieve every day from a loved one passing. It started me to thinking....

Will Papa Ed really be gone?

He won't be to his wife, whom he had known since before teenagerdom. Their lives together intertwined as one. Every sight, every smell, everything in the house, everything on earth will remind her of him. She will have wondrous dreams that he is still with her. She will feel his touch everywhere she goes. She will not stop adoring this man despite the small issue of his absence. He is not gone, he is just a moment away.

He won't be to his son, who was also his close friend, business partner, and the reason he did a lot of what he did. It won't be easy to move on to a life without his Dad, but he has a lifetime of memories to embrace and reflect on in times of need. I can't help but think how lucky Brandon is to have had so many years with a Father who cared so deeply. For his son, he is not gone, he is just a moment away.

Ask many who have lost a special someone what memory will be treasured the most, and you will undoubtedly get many different answers. We don't touch everyone's life in the same way, but once we do, that affect will carry on and on and on...

We may be mortal, but to those we leave behind, we are always just a moment away....

MOM Pt 2

click [HERE] FOR Part 1....

Can you imagine leaving the homeland you grew up in, leaving your family, leaving everything you know, and heading towards a land where you knew ONE person and couldn't speak the language, had no job, was preparing for an addition to the family, and not really ready for ANY of it?

Mom did this at 20.

She later told me she learned English by watching TV, got to have a few friends, found a job, and loved being a Mom. She also told me how difficult it was once she arrived in the USA.

It would be nice to say that her husband was a supportive and proud man but that would be a blatant lie. He wasn't around much and complained that he didn't want any kids so soon. He hated being tied down and wasn't shy about letting her know it. They didn't have a lot because of just starting out, but Mom wasn't used to having anything anyway, so she was OK. She would make the best of it, but not her husband. There is a story the whole family knows and all they can do is just shake their head....

My Pap had a cabin in the woods of Central Pa and the family traveled there quite often. Mom was still new to the States (and pregnant with me!) when she made the trip up to Mifflin County. How soon after arriving, I don't know, but Mom and her (loving?) husband went for a walk. Mom said it was a long walk, and she wanted to return to camp a few times, but he would just keep going. Eventually, she just stopped following, having a genuine fear of either getting lost or buried on the very vacant mountain. When she did, he disappeared in the distance. She tried to find her way back, but he arrived back to the cabin first. Pap asked where Mom was. According to witnesses, although Pap was a kind and gentle man, he about lost it when his son acted so irresponsibly. They all went out searching for Mom and found her a short time later. Whether it was a plan to lose her or just a bad day, we will never know. He never admitted to it but also never lived it down. Everyone looked at Mom and felt bad for her. His own Mother and Father tried to talk to him more than once about being a good husband and father, but he must not have taken notes. The worst was yet to come...

He was more focused on himself and when the opportunity came along to get Mom back to Germany, a year or so later, he bought a ticket and off she went. He didn't send any money but he did mail her letters saying such loving things as “you should stay there and not come back”. I know. I read them many years later. Mom always talked to me in a positive way when it came to my biological father. She always wanted us to be close, but it never happened. I will never understand how she could be so nice toward him when he so obviously treated her like toilet paper. I wouldn't have been able to do it.

Mom remained there for a year, helping her family, trying to save the money to return to Middletown, and watching me grow into more German than American. According to her, she would have stayed except for one thing – pride.

She had a husband, still, and since her family had told her it WOULDN'T work, she HAD to prove it COULD. So back to PA she went, determined to be a good wife, have a good husband, and hold the family together.

What follows is a story told by many many women, in every city, state, or country, but this one has a happier middle....

the ending is still being written.

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MOM Pt 1

Do you understand your parents?

I surely didn't. Why did Mom say “NO” all the time? Why did Dad seem so unhappy? What was their life like growing up? Did they have big dreams?

Sadly, I knew very little.

I tried to understand a little about my biological father. A few years before he died, I called and we met for lunch. I wanted to find out more about him, as all I knew was, his superpower might have been invisibility. More than anything, I wanted to find out about other family and maybe some family health history.

What I discovered was far less about him and more about how I was better off without him. Maybe the Altzheimers was getting to him already but all I came out of that meeting with was how angry he was. Angry about things that had happened over 50 years ago. And, in the stories I have heard from others, his picture of the past was highly Inaccurate.

It wasn't a formal interview. It was not organized or recorded. It was good enough though. His story was not one I want to celebrate or promote. He was who he was and I'll just let that go.

Mom on the other hand, was still a mystery. Why was she like she was? What was on her mind? What did she think of her son? Why didn't I already know these things?

I had to find out.

I had to interview my Mom.

I won't claim to be a master of the personal interview. I have done it hundreds of times but mostly as a manager trying to see if I wanted to hire the person sitting across from me. This wasn't going to be like anything I've done before.

Mom and I have spent tens of thousands of hours together while I was growing up. She was a single parent more or less for my first 6 years. We had even spent many hours together when I was an adult. 7 weeks in Germany on one of those Once-in-a-Lifetime trips. Meeting family I hadn't seen since I was 2. Seeing where Mom grew up, hearing the stories of happiness, joy, and family, gave me some idea that, although she grew up poor in the wallet, they were rich in love. She is one of the most selfless people I know and I wanted to know how she got to be that way. Here are some of the answers I have uncovered this past year....

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST MEMORY?

“I was 5 or 6 and going to school for the first time. I was excited and proud that I was finally a 'Big Girl'”.

Mom was born into a family that had some wealth. They lived in an area in Germany that is now Poland. The second World War had started and they got word that they needed to leave quickly. Thinking they would return in a short time, her Mom and grandmother didn't take much. They ended up losing everything they left behind. Can you imagine starting over with 5 kids and a mother to take care of? While a war is going on? I can't...

Mom's Mom was named Hedwig. She resorted to begging for food to feed the kids. Mom's sisters could help a little but they were too young to really do much. Mom's Dad was in the military but not around much. After the war, he worked as often as he could but ultimately left the family to find a new career. He ended up finding a whole new family as well.

Mom remembers growing up in Mistfels and being surrounded by love and attention. She doesn't remember the struggle, the hunger, or the disappointment of not having things other people had. She was content with the few things she could call her own. She DOES still remember the trauma of her Dad leaving and how she had a special bond with one of the horses he took with him.

For a time, when she was around 8, she alone went to live in Switzerland with a family that could better take care of her. Mom went through a sickly period in her younger days, and her time spent away from her Mom and family, although hard to understand, was best for her. The family wanted to adopt her but after about a year, she returned to her siblings and the love that surrounded them.

It's easy to see how Mom became the person she ended up being. She didn't dream the big dream, didn't envy anyone, and appreciated what she had and how she got it. When you grow up with nothing but happiness and true affection, material things really don't have the same importance. It took me until my mid 30's to get THAT concept. Mom knew it at 5.

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT LEAVING GERMANY AND YOUR FAMILY?
“Omi (German for “Grandmother”) and my sisters didn't like the idea, but Effe stood up for me and the others didn't butt in. I knew I would miss them but my husband was leaving and I knew I should be with him”

With the closeness of her family being what it was, leaving had to be tough. Mom had met the future Biological Father while he served in the military and they got married after a year together. She was so naive about boys that she admitted that she thought she could get pregnant just by kissing. When he was planning on returning home, it was expected she go with him. Mom's family did not want her to go off to a strange land, but Effe, the closest sibling and one who looked after Mom more than anyone, spoke out and made everyone understand that Mom needed to do what she wanted to do and they should support her. Pride kept her in the U.S after the divorce a few years later and Mom proudly got her citizenship while in her 50's.

It was funny to see Mom's reaction to my many interviews. She started looking forward to it, and tried to make some notes so that she could remember more details. It was a great feeling when her eyes lit up about some of the things she spoke about. There are many, many good times she has had in her life. Of course, there are many sad ones as well. Through it all, she has been strong, determined to succeed, and an example to me on numerous levels.

I'm proud to have a Mom who could come to this country without being able to speak the language and make a life for us that is rich and full of wonder. I am proud that she overcame discrimination and harsh treatment, yet doesn't complain about it. I am proud that she looks out for others, sometimes to the detriment of herself.

I am proud that she is happy with how her son turned out too.....

….to be continued

click [HERE] for Pt 2

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GOING AWAY

I have family that is going through a terminal illness. The battle has been going on for a while and thought to be winning. Very recently, it has turned for the worse. The VERY worse. I was thinking about it from both sides – the victim of this awful disease and those close who have a front row seat to the effects and troubling idea of the coming loss...

I came up with this:


ON YOUR OWN

The words still loud on my mind
How could this be?
I've done all I can to be rid of this bug
Why now? Why me?

The cancer is spreading beyond control
counting the weeks
until I am free of the pain and sickness
I couldn't beat

The questions stop as I look back
to a life so full
A loving wife, a son I can be proud
It's not so cruel

To have a date to look towards
a gift, I know
To say goodbye and have my peace
not afraid to show

How much I care for those close to me
forgive those, not
and appreciate the joy of living
and things I got

Not the cars or the house, toys or cash
but, memories
Of years gone by, celebrations
...anniversaries

Moments that make me smile through the day
special times, special souls
They gave me purpose and strength to go
beyond my roles

Husband, father, good friend to many,
Businessman...
The titles don't define, yet they are ME
Not the plan

To be leaving so soon, with much undone
but as I do
My hope is, all I've done is enough to know
the man you knew

The man who loves you, here and beyond
the man assured
You will do fine with me by your side
unseen, not ignored

Don't doubt I am there, helping where I can
and when you need
Always there, you'll feel my spirit next to you
when you succeed

And when you don't, I'll still be there
even when you've known
That you can do this thing called life
all on your own

The OTHER side....



ON MY OWN


This can't be happening
Not to my Dad
The world is a better place
with him in it

I can't imagine him not here
He always was
It's not fair for this to happen
to a good man

A great Dad to me
A better-half to Mom
He's the best part of us
What happens next?

How will I enjoy another day
without his laugh?
How will I be a great father
on my own?

When he won't be there
to help or even see
the kids that would be
GRAND to him

Will the tears ever stop?
Will the heart feel again?
Can I really be the man
he taught me to be?

I'm not ready, not yet
I need more time
To know how this man
made me proud to be his son

I can't say goodbye
I can't just let go
But it's out of my hands
He's moving on

And showing me again
how to be a man
in the face of darkness
he's the light that shines

The man I want to be
The man I need to be
To know this man
can be proud....

I am his son

Happy Father's Day!

It seems ironic that I write about a day that doesn't apply to me in any way. The biological father has passed away, the father in my childhood has passed away, and I myself have not been lucky enough to BE a father... yet.


There have been thousands of books written on how to be a good father, many discussions on how important the role of a father is, and everyone knows what their own experiences have been, life-altering or not.

This isn't about any of that.

The version of fatherhood I got was what NOT to do, so I grew up with very serious thoughts on the subject. Yes, like everyone else, know I would be a great Dad (obviously MANY are wrong!!!). It would be easy to just make babies, assuming, I don't have a biological reason preventing it. Since many Moms struggle so hard to provide for their kids without a husband or help from the children's father, I saw first-hand that picking the right person to create this magical little person was crucial. Therein lies the problem for me... the RIGHT person. Since I haven't settled yet, why even think about it now??? There are plenty of great mothers and mothers-to-be. I just have to find one that thinks I am not awful! If it happens then great.

But.........

if it DOESN'T happen, life is still great, just different than most. I have to admit that my family history of Alzheimer (and there is a LOT!), I don't know if I want to subject another human being to dealing with that. I also have much more freedom and less responsibility, although that allows me to be a bum sometimes!

I have had many offers to be a father with some really great ladies. It may have been wonderful forever, but I didn't just want to be a parent to a rugrat. I wanted the best Mother and Wife to stand with me and walk happily into the sunset, dragging 2.5 mini versions of us along. Without her, I didn't want ANY of it...

Why DO people have kids?

Brad Paisley sang
“You know, to me it's all so clear
Every one of us is here
All because two people fell in love”

I agree. I imagined kids because it was the ultimate expression of the love I had with a great woman who adored me. That still seems to be the thought even now, all these years later. I find, in asking many folks, there are more than a few reasons. It wasn't easy to get a straight answer from anyone because so many said that no matter the REASON, they were happy they did. Here's what I found:

Accidents.

The single most popular answer to the question of “Why I have kids?”. It's hard to imagine that happening these days with so many ways to NOT get pregnant, but there's no questioning reality. It happens, Almost happened to me. I can see how the heat of the moment, the romance, even the affection you feel at the time clouds your judgment.

We ARE human so we make mistakes...

...and Live with it.

Forever.

Or not.

That’s the problem with accidents. We might not be as easy to embrace the consequences since we didn't actually PLAN it out and look forward to it. That's a shame since there is so much to be happy about. The absentee fathers will never know...

Immortality.

People worry about living and dying. It is the basis of most religious beliefs which in turn, contributed to many wars with people of opposing views. There is a peace of mind that comes with having your bloodline continue when you are gone (although, seriously, we ALL shouldn't procreate – see Charles Manson, Adolph Hitler, whale hunters, girlfriends/wives of Charlie Sheen, Pittsburgh Steeler fans, and anyone profiting from causing the worldwide economic collapse NOT in jail (pretty much everyone involved is still counting their money!!). Some say this is a selfish reason and a selfish person is the WORST parent they can imagine. Lots of people lose themselves in raising their kids and end up angry at the innocent babies they brought into the world. If you are truly looking at immortality, teaching someone to NOT lose yourself in ANYTHING would be more everlasting....

Love of another person.

I heard this one a few times. I can't imagine a human being not receiving enough love that they feel like their best recourse is to create a person who will fill that need. While I am no expert, it makes sense to me that if you feel underloved or disengaged with humanity, the odds are stacked against the poor child to get prepared for the real, cruel, difficult world we live. It's the old cliché, “If you can't love yourself, how will you love anyone else” Is it fair to a newborn to have a job before it can see?

OTHER people do it.

No one admitted this one but I KNOW the world is filled with followers. Apple counts on it. The Kardashian's are rich from it. Those of us who swim upstream won't ever figure it out. It just is. It's not a bad thing. Not everyone can be Gandhi. There are folks who unwittingly contribute to this outlook. They are the ones who ask “What is WRONG with you?” when you tell them you have no children. Like you were from the wrong planet or something. They don't understand that there IS a choice!

It's the reason to live.

I had one huge surprise when researching this topic. Lynn. Of all the people I know, he is one of the deepest and thought-provoking. His answer was that if he didn't have kids, there would be no reason to live. Wow.... I know it's not a slap in the face of folks who choose to live out their lives without reproducing, but dang, that seems too harsh. With all the challenges in today's world, there is more of a case to NOT be a parent than to do it. Imagine how great your twice-a-year vacation can be if you didn't have school clothes to buy, braces to pay for, taxi service to provide, games to attend, heartaches to heal, weddings to contribute to, divorces to deal with, and bail to post.

I expected Lynn to say “income tax deduction” before he said what he said.

Someone to take care of me when I am old.

This is a common answer. I can honestly say it never occurred to ME, even though I am single and wouldn't have a wife to do it if needed. When you look around, not many kids deal with parents that need attention. Everyone has a life to live and it ain't easy! Nursing homes certainly can attest that many folks are too far gone to have family be burdened with their care. I do see that with the high cost of living and medical expenses so out of control, there is a valid argument to go back to the way things were – families live together and stay together, not breaking up as soon as the kids are through with college. Imagine the house you could buy with three generations contributing??? Wow...

I want to teach someone.

This is a good one. Every generation SHOULD improve on the last, The experience gained should be passed on. Unfortunately, we all want to learn on our own Only the smart ones listen to their elders and don't make the same stupid mistakes. The smart ones also will not let their ego stand in the way of learning, probably for the rest of their lives. I wish I was one of those people!!

Is there a right or wrong answer? I doubt it. We can read books and listen to people who know, but until we are in the position, we got no way of knowing how WE will react. Will we have the patience and understanding? Will we be able to do everything we want to do for our kids? Will we be as good as we think we would be as a role model?

It's almost universal that once you BECOME a parent, it is all worth the effort and sacrifice. The rewards far outweigh anything else. That's good because there is no money-back guarantee, no refunds, no way of undoing it once it happens. You will be one for the rest of your life.

Maybe I will be so lucky...

Funeral

I'm attending the funeral of a man I barely knew. I usually don't go to these functions because I don't need a final goodbye, closure, or a free lunch.

This one was different as it was my biological father.

I can't really call him Dad, Father, or even friend as he chose to exclude me from his life. It's a common story these days, as the number of deadbeat dads seems to increase daily.

I came to the conclusion years ago that his decision wasn't going to affect me. I had my Mom, friends, and other family to call my own.

There was a time when I was very young I didn't understand why he didn't want me around, why family reunions didn't invite me, and why we couldn't go visit my cousins I enjoyed so much.

I'm sure it affected me some, but not for long. I talked to Mom about it but she refused to throw him under the bus. She always said her wish would have been for me and him to be closer. I finally just said to myself, "self.... If he's not in your life, then make the best of it". There is no hate or animosity towards him, even as I sit thru the service, listening to how wonderful of a human being he was to so many. His daughters he had later and the family he had married into looked at him much differently than I ever could. Co-workers called him loyal, loving, smiling, dedicated.... All words I could not use.

He's only someone I recognize in pictures.

Memories of him are few and far between, clouded by what I know he did to mom and other wives he had.

I've said for years that I'm a better person BECAUSE he was absent. I like the way I turned out, and he would have only made me less than I am.

That's why there are no "What if's", no "if onlys", no "What could have beens", no tears, no heartbreak, nothing.

I'm glad he seemed to be way different than I know, glad people looked to him as a positive person, glad he seemed happy.

The worst possible thing I can imagine is to lead a life that offers nothing to be proud of, no happy memories in people's minds, no joy that is shared.

I have nothing bad to say.... Unfortunately I have nothing good to say either.