NOW & THEN - WOMEN

It was Betty White's 97th birthday the day I started this post. In January 2022, she would have been 100 years young.What a life she has led!

No, I don't have an unhealthy attraction towards her, but it DID make me think about something. It made me think about the changes in what we want in the opposite sex, as time goes on. 

Not everyone has to ponder this type of thing. A LOT of folks are happily married to their best friend. Some people are living with their future spouse. But, unfortunately, there are a few of us (OK, maybe more than a FEW) that AREN'T. 

As I looked back, deep into the past, I just shook my head at what I thought was important in a woman. The most important thing was, did she like me? Not much else mattered because I was so insecure. No wonder I was such a failure with the ladies.  

Our vision when we are young is so limited. We don't have the benefit of time and experience to know what is good for us. We don't have the wisdom to look past a pretty face or an alluring shape. 

Sitting here and thinking about my "ideal", it starts at being attractive. Then quickly evolves to "is she interesting?" Going forward, it's soooo much more than just mutual attraction any more. 

But what does "attractive" mean? Yes, it means that when I look at her, I want to smile. I want to feel fortunate that she is with me. But, now in my 50's, it goes beyond the obvious. It isn't the pretty face that is compelling, but the personality and character that matter most. Unfortunately, that makes a search for someone who fits that description even harder. There are MANY more "gorgeous" people out there than there are interesting and compassionate. 

I found out, during my dating days, that the person who had opinions, had an open mind, wanted to learn and experience new things, was GREAT at something, and laughed at my jokes was the one I wanted to spend time with. They may have been short or tall, younger or older, thick or thin, it didn't seem to matter as much what package this cool person was in. One would think that I would have found her by now, yet success eluded me - mostly because of my bad decisions. I let the good ones go away, finding a deal breaker somewhere. What an idiot. 

The worst scenario was when I would find someone who seemed like a perfect fit, despite there being a fatal flaw, more times than not that flaw was they didn't like me as much as I did them. Living in the POSSIBILITIES can be harmful to one's mental health. Believe me, I know! Having it happen once is bad enough, but some of us are so thick-headed that we don't accept the teaching of just ONE heartbreak. Nope. We need CONFIRMATION that we are a moron by doing the exact same thing AGAIN. 

Ugh....

As I look back on my social life, I certainly can't complain. There have been some truly great human beings that I had the honor to know, there have been some truly disappointing people I didn't want to know, and there have been more than a few that were nice, but not for me. We all, I'm sure, have a few folks that got away for one reason or another. In looking back, there are more than a few that I prolly could have been happily-ever-after with. I just wasn't ready I suppose. 

So what would I have to offer now that I'm older and slightly wiser? 

I have more patience than ever. I am more informed on many topics. I am more worldly. I am more educated on who exactly would be a good match. I am more compassionate. I am MUCH more confident. 

It's a shame that all those qualities took a lifetime to acquire. Oh well, better late than never, right???

As far as Betty goes, she is gone now, and the world is lesser for it. She was a shining example of someone who didn't need a child or a man to make her happy. She lived her life and worked on her own terms. She won at life and we are all better for knowing her, if even from a distance... 

Is THAT Why I'm Still Single? ....continued

In my previous post, I started to examine why I am almost 54 and still single. I will continue it here. Will I come up with any answers to help in the future? 

Let's see...

So....I was in Philly and dating was MUCH easier than back home. Logically, there are more people so in turn, more opportunities to go out with someone new. It WASN'T that I all of a sudden became irresistible, or better looking, or anything else. It's just a numbers game. 

I met Monica at a work function and was dazzled. She was always smiling, always funny, and always VERY pretty. She was just coming out of a divorce and we were good company for each other for a while. She was a special lady that I SHOULD have made MY special lady, but again, I was too idiotic to recognize the potential in our relationship. Luckily, she made a huge improvement in companionship and has since married and had a very lucky child. Lucky to have both GREAT parents to lean on. 

I met a young lady from the Zoo who had a great job, a great outlook on life, and always kept me on my toes. I wasn't able to keep her interested. 

I met someone who, in retrospect, got in a relationship with me because I fixed her car. Of course, I was oblivious at the time and thought she liked me for me. Oops. 

I was set up by a co-worker with a friend of hers. She was cool and cute but sparks were missing. I couldn't DEFINE the sparks, but I recognized when they weren't there. Or maybe I was just being stupid again. Probably that. 

I did the online thing and got to know a few really nice ladies. Some I have written about already. Some I have very fond memories of to this day. Some I know would have made me happy going forward, but then I met Vanessa. 

Vanessa was the ONE from the moment I met her. No. Before that. It was the moment I SAW her. She was the first post on this site so that tells you something of how she affected me. I only wished it was the same on her end. It may have only been for a short time, but my eyes were now FULLY open to the emotion I was capable of with someone I felt strongly for. 

It took me a few years to fully get over the loss of Vanessa, and now I was even more critical of a new person coming into my life. When I met a Ghanian lady that seemed PERFECT, I quickly saw the fatal flaw and moved on. She reminded me more than once that I messed up, but I don't think I did. Selfishness isn't a trait I find attractive. 

I met people from other African nations as well once I moved to DC. There were folks from all over the world in and around the beltway. I was dating from many sources. My neighbors, online chating, and work-related activities. 

I found reasons to not pursue anything with anyone for a bit. They drank too much. They were unpredictable. They revealed their "craziness" after a time. They were too needy. They were not interesting. Or I wasn't to them. 

Then I met Ciera and wrote about her here. She was special but her religion kept us from continuing. She was truly someone who made my life bright at a time when I thought the darkness would overwhelm. 

I saw a transformation in some ladies I hung out with. The change was sometimes cool and sometimes it was a deal breaker. I kept trying to settle down and be happy, but there was always a reason NOT to. 

I had to move back to PA in 2012 and the dating life reduced to a trickle. The few people I met weren't a fit. Or I didn't fit them. My heart got broken a few times, but once you got through that, it gets easier to recover. 

I'm still recovering. 

I'm also still trying to figure out the "why's" of this topic. 

I am convinced it wasn't all the women's fault. Mostly it was mine. Either my insecurities, or my lack of conviction prevented me from making a good decision about making a very special lady MY lady. 

Do I know better NOW????? 

Will I be UNstupid enough to recognize a great girl when she pops up? 

Am I open to the possibilities of FOREVER with someone I don't know today? 

I would LOVE to say YES to all the above, but as usual, I seem to find new ways to fail. The only thing I can admit to, is that I AM more aware of all of this, and more focused on what is truly important. I hope that is enough. 

If I end up single till my dying day, it won't be for a lack of trying.... or writing about it. I'll still be happy, but not as happy as I would sharing it all with my dream girl. If she stays ONLY in my dreams, at least I will have hope... 

Is THAT Why I'm Still Single?

A running joke has been me saying "Is THAT why I am still single?" to many ridiculous statements. Things like a friend saying it's strange I don't like brussels sprouts. Or if I admit to liking Jana Kramer's songs. Or if I say I'm not attracted to someone with mental issues. 

I started thinking about this and it made me want to examine exactly WHY... 

I have a long history of it, that's for sure. I was married for five years but a couple of those we were separated. I had a few girlfriends since, but most of the last 20 years have been spent alone. Or dating. Or dating and alone. 

It hasn't been for a lack of trying. 

In times before my insecurities diminished, I only required a person to like me before I wanted to hang out with them. My self-image was as low as it could be. I felt unwanted, unloved, and ugly. Luckily, it was something I could ultimately overcome. 

Unfortunately, it wasn't until AFTER I was married and divorced. It clearly affected who I exchanged vows with. To her credit, she moved on and upgraded. 

So why didn't I? 

I can look to my biological Father who was married 5 times. Since I WAS sane, it made me question if I was heading down the same path! I might have become TOO sensitive to finding the RIGHT gal to get UNsingle with. 

I can also admit that I enjoyed being single and dating - when I could AFFORD it!! It IS rather expensive.... Meeting new people, experiencing new things, and having my eyes opened to many different opinions and ideas WAS an enlightening experience. 

As I get older though, I question just how much I would enjoy my freedom going forward. It SEEMS like the daydreams I had in the past - of travelling alone, living alone, being alone - are fading fast. I would much rather have a special someone to lounge around with than have a new car or exotic vacation. 

Sooooo....

...to learn from my past, let's EXAMINE it more closely. 

The first relationship I had when my marriage was over was with Ana. She was professional, respectful, and pretty. I was smitten and it took a while to even get her to notice. I was still insecure and Ana actually made me change my whole mindset about relationships and deal better with them. I thought she might be the next MRS but she had OTHER ideas. I'm sure I was at fault. 

What followed for the next few years was a series of "fun" dating but nothing I wanted to change my newfound freedom for. Even Gail, who would have made a GREAT wife, wasn't what I was looking for at the time. Not that I KNEW what I was missing. Gail is gone now and I wonder if she realized just how much she meant to me. 

The next meaningful woman to surprise me was Aurora. She wasn't like anyone I ever met. She was from a big city and traveled a bit. She was smart, and determined and easy to like. My phone bills at the time were INSANE! Yes, I know times have changed.... So why not HER being my spouse? 

I was still a few years away from figuring out my self-worth and probably deep down, I KNEW she wouldn't want to keep me the way I was. I made excuses and it seemed so logical to explain it away, but she was a keeper. I just wasn't smart enough to do it. 

A handful of a handful of months later, I was OK with myself and the realities of life being easier to handle. This made dating even easier. The more confidence one has, the more you can just be yourself. And I was who I was. If someone didn't like it, then I was moving on. No problema.

A few years further and along comes Virginia. She was cool and we have our fun but something is missing, in my eyes. I wish I knew what. It can be frustrating when you meet a person who likes you but there is a limit to how much I like HER. She was a good Mother and cute, but.... turned out she wasn't for me. My loss.

Then, once I moved to Philly a couple years later, my dating life was wide open! It was MUCH easier to meet people and I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed some professional success, so I got to travel more. 

I met Carolyn, who would have made a life with me in a minute, but I made excuses of why she shouldn't. We are somehow still friends and I am reminded often of the mistake I made leaving her go. She has married and is living happily ever after... of course.

I met people from work-related activities, I met ladies that worked in the same industry, and I met people just out and about the streets of Brotherly Love. There were a few that wanted more, a couple that wanted MUCH more, and there were a few that I wanted much more, but THEY didn't. 

Was it bad luck or just a bad head on my shoulders, that kept me from settling down? The more I think about it, the more I know it was me. 

... to be continued

YOU'RE BROKE UP... NOW WHAT?

I'm in my car, Ubering, waiting for the next ride request, putting down all these different ideas, wondering if there is a rule about the number of comma's in one sentence, also wondering how all these lines are all going to come together, but knowing they will. Hopefully in a GOOD way!

Why can't it be that easy with people?

Okay.... you've just broken up or just realized that you will never get together with a person you liked.... Now what???

I have some random thoughts....

Of course you hurt.

You maybe even don't know why it didn't work.

You may still care for that person or possibly hate them more then brussel sprouts. [Ok. I KNOW not everyone hates them like I do, but you get the idea...right?]

How do you go on and how long should you feel pain before you're ready to take that leap again? If I tell you, will you listen?

I didn't think so.

It's different with everyone because every situation is not the same.

Sometimes the cause of the breakup or the disconnect is US. Sometimes it's the other person. Sometimes it is global warming. Whatever the reason, once you've given a hundred percent to making it work, there's nothing more you can do. You hoped to win a future of bliss, but didn't.... THIS TIME.

The GOOD side is, you will be more aware and smarter in your choices next time. Your vision will NOT be clouded by the fog we call sadness or loneliness.

I'm not saying you will feel happy and bubbly the day after. I'm sure you won't. I sure don't a week later. Yes, not surprisingly, I'm writing about something that I'm currently going through.

Some might wonder why I bother. Sometimes I wonder why. Let's just say, that there has been enough feedback to know that the words here occasionally help someone I will never meet through a tough time. It's a feeling that drives most writers and I am no different.

I guess more than anything, I hope the reader knows that their bluesiness won't last long, if they not allow it to.

I want people who are experiencing similar situations to know that they're not the only ones suffering and that there is a path to happiness again.

If you remember back when you met that magical person, it changed your perspective, on not only the whole day, but possibly on your whole life. That's just how quickly it can change from bad to good as well. Believe it.

As for me, I used to feel pretty good about knowing another person's character and emotions after some interaction. Until recently. Like many of you, I now don't have complete confidence in feeling good about someone, because I may be wrong. or is it just being human?? Hmmmmmmm.....

I thought about this and wondered...how do you get the trust back in yourself? If you have been more right than wrong in the past, then trust in the percentages. If you haven't, its time to learn from former mistakes or disappointments and be a better, more aware person going forward. If you KEEP making wrong choices for yourself, then congratulations, you are getting exactly what you want. It isn't ALWAYS the other person's fault....

People have been stumbling through relationships since there been people. And I'm guessing since there's been more than two people, there's been relationship issues. Somehow in the last few thousand years, it works out for most, despite what you're thinking now. "Happily ever after" is still out there, closer than you may think.

If you're anything like I am, (and if you ARE, I am SOOOOOOO sorry!) you're wondering if you will ever feel as strongly, as deeply, and as thoroughly as you did before.

For most of us, it's not the first time we failed at relationships. It's never any fun going through it, but if you look back and see how you got your happiness back, that's a start. Time itself helps, but why be miserable for longer than you need be? Your newfound knowledge will bring along a BETTER mate, give THEM a BETTER mate, a BETTER human being, and a BETTER future, if you believe in it.

I wonder why we forget that our happiness is determined by that person looking back at us in the mirror and not anyone else? If you are gloomy before going into a relationship, I fear that the time will be short, because most partners can't fix a broken you.

If you dwell on misery, misery will be your constant companion. It won't go away until it's disinvited.

If you are like me, and try to think logically, you will be completely frustrated trying to make sense of relationships. They just don't.

If you are like me, and you love completely, then you must grieve completely as well. The worst thing to do is to go and find a replacement right away, because your standards have changed and probably not for the better. Instead of being MORE picky, you allow for more nonsense. That usually doesn't end well for you.

Unfortunately for some, they never really get over it, and that's tragic. Life is so much darker, less meaningful,  and less hopeful when you have unresolved issues with a person that doesn't care about you. And yes, they do NOT care.

This world has many, many, many, people that are looking for someone special. You may have walked right past a few of them today. When you are ready to take that chance again, you have to open up your eyes wide and see everything, not just a pretty face or a nice smile, but everything that person is about and brings to the table. You deserve to get what you give. THAT should be the minimum expectation.

It's too bad we all just can't go on the Maury Povich Show with a perspective new partner, and ask questions.... plus get that lie detector test! Haha

What do you do when you have many questions and they never get answered? I tried to put value on the questions that I have, but in reality, they really aren't worth anything. The decision is the decision and no explanation really should be needed. If you can't accept someone that actually wants you, then you are not a couple. If you desire someone that doesn't want you, you are not a couple. If two people care deeply for each other and are together, there's your couple.

The Trap I have fallen into more than once has been to imagine the possibilities and to fall in love with that image. Reality may not even be close, but the picture in my mind, of a life together with someone special, can make you blind to what's right in front of you.

Luckily with age comes wisdom!

I can look back on a long history of frustrations, breakups, and never get with's, and see just how time has affected their importance. Back when I was really young and really, really stupid as - opposed to me being just really stupid now - I had more than a few occasions to fall into deep depressions, and when I look back it really was nothing to get upset about. The issues that caused my downward spiral of emotions is long forgotten. Only the pain is seared into my brain. That is HARDLY worth the months of torment.

If we've been living in Stupidville and the other person has been telling us but we weren't listening, there is nothing to do except move on with questions unanswered or you could figure them out as you look back.Eventually most people realize the cause and effect from their past. It may be embarrassing, but if you learned and improved through it, it WAS worth it. Perspective changes and clarity is more easily seen when time has passed.

It would be easy to get unapproachable during this time, but I think that would be a mistake.

It would be easy to stay angry at this time, but the anger should only be with yourself. That emotion can be a good teaching tool so that it will enable your eyes to stay open in a situation where in the past all you would see is Stars. Get angry and get learning!

Is it okay to still believe in the storybook Romance? In spite of my recent challenges, I have to say that, if I can't live the Fairytale, then I will live another story that won't shred my joy. Life will be as good as I can imagine it to be....and more.

Because you never know what's around the corner....

If you want to use fate to explain away things that don't work or things that do, that's fine, for you. I like to think I have more control and Free Will than that, so once I get thrown out of the party, I must find another party to go to, eventually.

The difference is, my vision is even more sharpened than before. No guarantees I'll be able to see clearly, but I got a better shot at it now.

I don't want to be afraid of getting hurt because that will limit the amount of pure joy I allow in my life.

It's worth the risk.

WHEN THE ONE YOU WANT DON'T WANT YOU

It's so hard to find someone you like.

 Although there's lots of people, in many different shapes sizes and colors, we don't always notice.  When one DOES stand out from the crowd,  you take notice, and if you can, take action!

 You might walk up to her and hope she doesn't run
 You might hit some buttons on your phone and hit send with a 😃
 You do all you can do to make a good impression.
 The best things about you are on full display.

And then you wait with anticipation to see what she will say...  then she says nothing. All the enchantment from the possibilities ahead blown into the dark, cold void that is your life.

No reply or nothing.
No smile or nothing.
No interest coming. 
You might try again. And again.

To show her you need her, and hope she needs you too.
To show her you don't walk away when problems come up.
To show her what a real man would do, if he was convinced she might be the final last love.

When none of that sparks interest, you start erasing all the memories of what made her special, and start listing those things that didn't.

And now there's a whole different hope.  Of one you desperately need. Of leaving this sickening emptiness
and getting back to being you. There is no pill or prayer to ease the pain. There's only the new reality of a world without her in it. The reality you never considered.

You thought she might be the one.
You thought you were her prayers answered
You thought eternity was the two of you together

All the dreams you had with her are now being lived by someone new. The ego takes a hit for sure, but it wasn't so much "you" or "him". It was "I don't want YOU!"

Yeah....you were wrong.

WE ALL HAVE A PAST

When you meet someone new, it's easy to forget that this (hopefully) nice person seated across from you has a life before that moment. There has been heartache, celebrations, crushing disappointments, and ultimate hilites.... all without you being a thought. He/she has a “best” day, a “worst” day, and a lot of memories that don't include even one lil image of you.

It doesn't have to stay that way.

If all things work out, slowly but surely the moments in their (and your) life that were memorable, get replaced by your togetherness. The evolution of a relationship doesn't usually happen overnight, although it can feel instantly comfortable and the replacement might begin sooner than expected.

When we DO meet someone, how much should we disclose? How much do they deserve to know in order to make the decision to see you again? How many questions need asked or answered? That all depends on the person.

There are folks who can handle whatever you throw at them. They will listen, learn, and understand that all that drama brought you here, with them, today... right now. If they are feeling the connection, it won't matter. Life will start in living color the moment you meet and everything else turns to gray.

If they judge, don't want to hear it, or are a bit hesitant to share their own history, then you may have a mismatch and you better consider plan B for their next offer together. Eyes wide open. It's hard to not get all wrapped up in the splendidity of new beginnings, but the pain of bad decisions begins with cloudy vision. They didn't LIE to you..... you didn't pay attention to the signs that screamed they are a liar!

If there are a embarrassing stories told, but the lessons were learned and those same situations coming in the future would be handled much differently, is it a bad thing or a quality to respect? We all are dum-dums at times, whether we admit it or not. But if we don't keep making the same blunder, then it's not so dum-dum as you might think. It's called living. 

Are there transgressions that are deal breakers? Why?

There BETTER be a few! Everyone should have a standard, and if someone doesn't measure up (no matter HOW they look in nice clothes!) they need to move along and let you find someone that fits you better. There are MANY prospective “right fits” out there.... no worries. I'M SERIOUS.

I would rather hang out with a person who has learned some hard lessons than try and tolerate someone who hasn't had any mountains to climb. They are far more interesting and have better stories!

Where does jealousy fit in? Should it? I have my doubts....

It ain't cute that's for sure. Trusting someone should be a basic condition and one that is reviewed often, in the beginning. Real trust is earned over time and is the foundation to a happy couple. It's NOT being blind! It's knowing you are with a person who can act the way you expect them to, in any situation. Your blueprint should be very clear on who fits this outline and it takes more than a few dates to see just how a person is.

A person is much like the stock market. Past performance doesn't GUARANTEE future performance. It DOES give some hints at what you should be paying attention to going forward. Keep your eyes wide open and enjoy the moment... all the while making informed choices that will be best for YOU.

Take my word for it... I have a past too. You may have read about it... hahahaha

THE DOOR WAS OPEN

I left the door open last night....

hoping you would walk thru

But when I awoke early in the morning

there was no one in my bed but me

The hopes, the dreams, the fantasies, all fade

when the reality of you and me becomes clear

A “couple” we are not, so that makes us....?

Friends...? Lovers...? a twosome....?

What can I call this?

A tryst? A hook-up? A rendezvous

with some affection to give?

When all I really wanted was you....

.... or was it?

Clarity of my loneliness paints a sadder picture

A canvas of disappointment, with a splash of joy

But if one looks closely, the colors of happiness

don't cover the entire portrait of our togetherness

Now that I see clearly, what do I do?

Should I continue to unlock the door

hoping you will arrive with a smile and a kiss

only to realize later you didn't come at all?

I want to be strong enough to just say no

To turn hope to knowing,  dreams to being,

fantasies to realities that bring elation,

not depression or crushing discouragement

Can I have that strength today

when just last night

the door was open

to only you.....

MARRIAGE

Marriage....

It's a word that gets a different reaction from many people. For some it brings back awful memories of pain, mistrust, and bad cooking. For others it is the most wonderful thing about life, with the closeness, the security, and the comfort of a special mate. Some want to have another go at it even after their first ended in complete destruction, others will run at the first mention of it. I don't think I ever discussed mine.....

Once upon a time there was this unhappy, insecure, and foolish man (me).

The end.

Or so I thought....

The day I saw my fair maiden was the day my life made a U-turn. Of course, it was at the bowling alley. Her hair was amazing and she smiled often, I just had to try and talk to her. So I did.... It was a surprise she talked back, since most humans without the "y" chromosome that smiled at me were, in fact, being polite and hoping I would just go away. If I didn't, they probably had a backup plan of joining the Peace Corps and moving to Bolivia. Since she didn't book any flights to South America, I figured there might be a chance to get this pretty, college-educated, too-good-for-me young lady to go out...

Fast forward 5 months or so, and we were in Las Vegas getting married!

Almost like the movies!

I know, I know.... It wasn't long enough to REALLY get to know anyone...

blah blah blah....

Back in those days, I was a different sort of fellow. On top of the aforementioned unhappy, insecure and foolish, I was also going nowhere. (Plus I would have never used the word "aforementioned" in a sentence or in a drunken stupor) I had crap jobs at crap places and no future, unless I could have dug up a pile of doubloons buried by pirates hundreds of years ago, which, unfortunately, didn't happen since Pennsylvania wasn't a buried-treasure-state in those days and I wasn't digging around.... sigh...   

Anyhoo....

I always lived in Fantasyland when it came to relationships. I expected too much of the other person and when they inevitably gave up trying to be the person I wanted them to be, I just saw it as being "taken for granted" and it was time to leave. It happened more than once and when I finally realized, many years later, the TRUTH, I felt awful for everyone I spent time with.

This being said, things happen fast when you reside in Fantasyland. Since you don't have to deal with silly little things like reality or lost socks, one never thinks too far ahead. Life is easy if you don't concern yourself with tomorrow. I was REALLY stupid....

Through no fault of her, we separated a few years later, divorced some time after that, then I stopped being a dum dum and discovered my happy place. Relationships have never been the same since. Since I wasn't that needy anymore, I could enjoy the other person, as they were, making it much easier to have fun together. While I have not married since, that doesn't mean I am not open to it. or look forward to it. Or think about it.

Or know about it.

In all my failures and successes with the opposite sex, there are a few things I can say about the things leading to marriage, with some certainty.

You will see what you want to see, and ignore what you DON'T want to see.

In the beginning of a relationship, you can't believe how perfect that special someone is. How they seem to have instantly been a longtime friend, and it's difficult to remember your life before them. It's "charming" when they have quirks and the things you don't really care for, they will stop because they care for YOU the same way you care for THEM. You can't talk enough, you miss them when they aren't around, and your life together will be legendary, books will be written about the love between you, and eventually, not one of these things will end up being true. Hmmmmmmmm.....I know that sounds cynical, but we are channeling our inner cynicalness at the moment....

The amount of time you wait to have sex has no direct relation to success or failure.

I can't say I ever saw sex as anything more than a special time with someone you care about. The depths of caring may be different with each person. The reasons you WANT to have sex may be different with each person. To me, intimacy is just another layer to this wonderful human experience. Ask a couple married 50 years if the reason they stayed together was because she "made him wait". I would be surprised if they even remember the situation. What counts more is the kind of person you have chosen to spend your remaining years with, and also your ability to recognize when dundumness takes you over. You can learn about your potential better-half by keeping your eyes wide open and not sweating at the first sight of a nice set of abs. There are no guarantees they will STAY that same person, but the odds are more in your favor if you stay on course and don't detour to Fantasyland. Sex has very little to do with it. Unless you choose to make it a big deal.

The more people you date, the less chance you will be swept off your feet by some ape in a nice suit.

I am NOT saying be loose and free. I AM saying that you should be open to the idea that Mr Perfect might just be a lil less. If you compare him with someone else, you may find your definition of perfect is in need of refinement. If you are pulling apples out of a tree and you come across one that is not so great, you will leave it be, right? Do yourself a favor and don't limit yourself to one possibility.

Most romance-type movies are NOT based on real-life.

I used to live by the story of George Burns and Gracie Allen. He met Gracie while she was engaged to another man. Four years went by until he finally convinced her to marry him. They were together when she passed away 38 years later. I used this as proof that, if I tried hard enough, I could convince the girl of my dreams that I was the guy of hers. Even as I write this out, I have to chuckle. What an idiot.

Two people are just that - two individuals that have their own thoughts and ideas. You may or may not have the power of persuasion, but you have to know when to admit defeat. There's a fine line between romancing and annoying. I know. I've been the dum dum that thought she was Gracie and I was coming over for dinner.

Those folks who know me real well will be surprised to hear me say all this. I LOVE romance movies, the idea of love at 61st sight is kind of cool. In reality, I've learned that if she don't like you on Sunday, the chance is pretty good she won't think much different on Friday, no matter what you do.

We all want good, honest, interesting mates.

...so why do we settle for people who treat us with no respect and have questionable character? That doesn't sound interesting to ME. I used to wonder why we take the "stupid" pill at times and spend years dealing with the effects. My conclusion, totally unscientific and unsupported - we are naturally stupid at times. Even the brilliant ones. The beauty of being human is in our reactions to failure. Anyone can sail through the parts of life that hold no challenges. Maybe this is what finding a significant other is meant to be. A challenge. It certainly is, with or without the pill.

We don't look at a resume or credit report before we get serious

Some people do, but I am betting most just assume if he can pay for dinner, he must be doing ok. Reality may be far, far worse. This is one area that we shouldn't compromise. Money troubles will END the best of couples. Why take a chance on YOU being one of them? Exploring in this area would drastically reduce issues coming up later I'm sure. Everyone usually has a time or two where things don't go financially well. How we deal with it when it's in our face speaks volumes about who we are as a person. Go on... explore.

Giving someone the space to explore things/interests on their own does not mean you don't care

I have a cousin who seems to be out and about all the time. He has hobbies he is passionate about and takes the time to do them. Without the understanding and loving wife he has, life for my him would not be nearly so good. Did they have any conversations about this before the wedding day? Knowing these guys, I bet they recognized it long before that joyous occasion. 

I know that "alone time" is important for most of us. Not only does it recharge our minds and spirit, it supports our image of ourselves being independent individuals, not trapped in the label of "married couple"... not that there is anything wrong with that!

We don't set the bar high enough

In my situation,  insecurities led to my marrying someone that I shouldn't have. Most people with issues have a tough time making good decisions. The more and deeply rooted those issues are, the less life-altering decisions we should be making! It's tough to function when we have such a low self-esteem . In my case, here was a pretty, college educated, not-insane woman wanting to exchange vows... with ME! How could I say no???? Devoid of my insecurity, the results would have been different, I'm sure. I would have spent more time in a committed relationship with her, so I could see what kind of good AND the bad things would develop. I certainly would have noticed those key elements that led to our parting. In retrospect, most of us recognize the reasons we failed, long before the actual end. More than a few could honestly say, those same things were there at the beginning. We didn't set the bar high enough, for whatever reason, to move on before any ceremony could take place.

LOVE is a 4-letter word.

Love can be both the best of times, and the worst of times. (Thank you Mr Dickens)... He might as well been talking about man and wife instead of two cities. A spouse can be a part of our greatest days but also be responsible for our worst of nights. Makes me wonder why we pursue it so strongly. Maybe it's in our DNA. Maybe it's just a side-affect to the additives in our mayonnaise. Whatever it is, love is such a high we are willing to risk an awful, crushing defeat vs the idea of finding it for real. Speaks volumes, I think, to our hope as a species. Or dumdumness.

There is much more that can be said, and I'm sure I will add to this topic sometime soon... In the meantime, don't settle for just good-enough.

THE SEX TALK

Sex.

It may excite you. It may frighten you. It may make you weak. It may make you feel strong. It may make you confident or it may make you feel inadequate.

It's made me feel all of those in the last 30 years.

The idea of sex literally scared me straight in my late teens. The first opportunity I had to lose my virginity I failed miserably.

It was an early dismissal from school and my girlfriend at the time was with me. We worked together and she gave me my first European kiss. It was quite thrilling. I was so naïve that I didn't even know what “base” that was.

She was very understanding that day. She expected something to happen and I just couldn't. I was too afraid of messing up. It would change our lives too much and we were not ready for all that. I politely said no. It wouldn't be the last time...

My adventures with intimacy started with the last girlfriend I had in high school. She also was understanding when I finally earned the right to pleasure her for the first time. Or at least try.

I don't know anyone who would truly be “pleasured” in the 12 seconds we experienced the first time. It was both wonderful and horrible. For both of us!

Wonderful that we shared such a historic moment (at least in MY history book!), but also the closeness we shared then and for the next three years.

Horrible in the buildup of the event, somewhat like a first-round knockout in a boxing match. Very unsatisfying.

My early escapades were like a comedy show. Sex was a measurement of how someone felt towards me. If they didn't want to do it, they must not have liked me at all.

I would worry so much about being liked and feeling unattractive that it made me more awful than I was for real. How did anyone stand hanging out with me??? Well, some did, and I learned a lot my first few years.

I paid attention to the circumstances and the reactions of the young ladies who did me the honor of their company. I wasn't the best, biggest, fastest, or strongest, but I did care about the person I was with. And I kept learning.

Unfortunately, until I was in my 30's, I was insecure. REALLY insecure. So bad that if my girl didn't let me know just how awesome I was on a regular basis, I would think she was taking me for granted and I would leave. Stupid, I know, but that was me until around age 33.

I've touched on that before, posting “The Moment” [here] in the past.

Once I found my happy place, things really changed for the better, not only for me but those hanging out with me. I was no longer needy or feeling bad about myself. It really was the best time in my life. Lots of dating, some great people and more lessons learned. Some were eye-opening.

In the past 15 years, I learned sex is a really good way to find out about a person. You don't have to ask about things if you just pay attention. You can experience first-hand if they are kind, compassionate, and confident.

You will be able to tell if they are REALLY a good person or just playing one when folks are watching.

You will discover how adventurous they are, how open-minded, and how they view the world just by spending some intimate moments together. It can be a VERY pleasurable way to start to unravel who this person is and what is real or imagined.

I learned that some ladies place the power of sexuality way too high. They use it like a gun to your forehead. It's really awful and for me, the beginning of the end. If someone says NO too often, it's only natural to stop asking the question.

It's no fun if you imagine your lover is feeling obligated or just going through the motions. The reasons were somewhat varied, but the most common line ended up being “I don't want our relationship to be just about sex”. I agree.

A REAL connection between two people DOES involve more than getting sweaty. It also involves more than AVOIDING it. If you are together and are in the mood, why not???? If all you can think of is another excuse why we SHOULDN'T express our affection, then it's obvious you don't get me very well. Time to move on....

Some ladies felt like all that was required for good sex was just an appearance. They would claim to have never heard any complaints (like a guy would ever do THAT!). When I voiced an opinion, it was usually not taken well at all. They didn't want to do anything that resembled “pleasing” or could be confused with “effort”. I found out too quickly that we were not meant to be. If you are not willing or enthusiastic, then how am I expected to be? I'm not and won't. Time to move on....

I had a few instances when the young lady got frustrated with the lack of power they had. Their past relationships had allowed them to control every aspect and they enjoyed being the boss. While I don't claim to be the CEO of my lady, I also will not be led around by my lil guy. That ended a long time ago. There's no “rockin my world” or “making my toes curl” or helping me make stupid decisions based on what you will or won't do. Sorry. Tommy all grown now....

There's been examples of young ladies actually pursuing ME, hard as THAT is to believe. I certainly found it puzzling. Hahaha. They found something interesting or cute or maybe they were closet crackheads, I don't know. I was an experiment for a few females of another race. The fact I am attracted to people different than me had nothing to do with it. They just wanted to see if there was a difference. Of course there isn't. The packaging is just not quite the same. Turn the lights off and we are. No real revelation there. Yet, packaging sometimes IS the motivation to see what is possible.

I've been under the spell of lipstick, large breasts, small breasts, light skin, dark skin, pretty eyes, petite frames, fuller figures, and different hair styles. Guilty as charged. I seem to have a wide measurement of “pretty”. But really, the outside just gets the conversation started. Or at least in most cases...

I was once used in making a dream become reality and in another as a way to regain some self-esteem after surgery. I was treated to “payback” after doing something nice for someone more than once. I felt sad for those girls. I certainly didn't expect anything just because I got her car fixed or helped her move. Is that how they have been treated in the past? Sex as a cash register is not for me.

The conversation that leads to romance obviously has no script or even logic to it. If it was easy, then we would have no social problems, right?

I've had people confidently say they will NOT have sex on a first date and at the end of the night, guess where we were? NOT at the library....

I found out the best thing I could do was to be myself and not focus on a goal or motive. If things went well, we would have a good time. It may or may not involve getting undressed. It wouldn't matter. If they wanted to, and I felt they were worthy, I was all in. If not, no problem. It was that easy.

I've waited weeks to be involved and also waited minutes, the difference in the grand scheme of things was not much. I will always argue that if we get married and eventually celebrate 50 years together, we won't even REMEMBER waiting to have sex.

I doubt it has a bearing all by itself. Unfortunately, it DOES represent OTHER issues that a person may or may not have.

I was with ladies that sobbed after having orgasms and also with ones that had none. I had a friend ask out loud why she waited so long to get with me, and I have had others probably wish they didn't at all. What's the difference? It certainly wasn't me. I was the same guy with everyone. The difference was THEM. The ladies have all the power in the bedroom.

You can make it memorable or forgettable. It all happens in your mind and how you view us.

If you are attracted by something other than a cute butt or big feet, it has a better chance of being special. It doesn't involve acrobatics or marathons. It does matter that your attraction is based on something real. Delusional qualities usually earn you artificial pleasure. Or none. It's all up to you...

My most memorable times were not just good ones. There were some that just made me shake my head. Like the time I had a husband call me about his wife. She had been open about her situation and we were attracted. After we had spent some time together, she must have wanted to get caught. She was successful. I wonder if she is still with him....

I'll admit the times I have experienced with married women made me think twice about who is being honest in a relationship and who isn't. It also makes me look closer at marriage and the possibility of staying single for the foreseeable future!

There was also my time with multiple partners. We all have an image of how things will be and most of the time, reality falls far short. Just like the first Batman movie.... but NOT this time! What a beautiful and memorable night I spent with my girl and her girlfriend. We all were open-minded and free spirits, so it was easy to enjoy each other. I made sure my GF wasn't neglected and she made sure I wasn't. Good times. Far beyond my wildest dreams....

My wildest dreams couldn't have prepared me for one young lady I got to know. She was, by definition, a true bitch to most people. She seemed angry and unhappy, but I like strong personalities, even if they are damaged. She certainly was!

The funny thing was, when we spent time together, the bitchy person didn't show up. All that was left was a nice girl who would do anything to snuggle up... and more. She offered to clean my house more than once! How funny is that? It was like she was a different person.

Religion had a place in my experiences and I must say, it isn't a good one. It had an affect on one person I knew since high school. It stood in the way of her actually living a full life, sexual or not. She had been celibate for many years, yet when we were together, there was nothing but fire burning around us. She felt guilty after our time together was over, but while it was going on, she was a tigeress!

It's a shame she couldn't resolve that aspect of her beliefs. She was cool to be around, even the time we got caught fooling around in the parking lot of a local mall. Hahahaha In our 40's and needing security to be called. How funny....

The guilt over enjoying sex sometimes gets in the way. On more than one occasion, the relationship ended because they felt wrong enjoying themselves. I could never figure THAT one out. Add that to the list of things I don’t understand. It's a long one!

I was invited to a swinger's party once and was surprised I enjoyed the atmosphere. Total uninhibited fun. It was like being in an adult film only no cameras were around. It made me realize I truly enjoy people with few boundaries.

The ladies I have had the pleasure of knowing have been all shapes, sizes, colors, and ages. There isn't anything one type has over the other. They all have issues, as do I.

We all have something that our partners have to deal with. The hard part is finding the right fit. If you enjoy a certain thing sexually and don't get it from your special someone, do you REALLY think you will be able to just not do it anymore?

Most guys I knew who complained said their wives didn't do oral sex anymore. They may have enjoyed it while they were unmarried, but something changed. I don't understand that concept. The longer I was in a relationship, the more special it felt and the more I wanted to please her.

Like most guys, I want to do whatever my lady needs to be completely satisfied. If that means dressing in her clothes, then maybe I picked the wrong one! Even I have my limits!

In normal circumstances, it doesn't take much to make your significant other feel like a queen. If it's real it will come through with very little effort. It should matter that she enjoys intimacy with her snuggle buddy. If you make every time HER time, she will say "no" a whole lot less I bet.... and vice versa.

IF you pick the right one! How high are YOUR standards????

EXCERPT FROM A PERFECT NIGHT....

The “look” just happened. I recognized it, not right away, because I was too busy being dazzled ... looking into my eyes, reading my mind as I think of how lucky I am to have her want to be a part of this journey I call my life. She smiles that knowing smile and I see she is thinking the same thing. How could we both find someone that fits so right, means so much, and makes forever seem too short?

All the world melts away as we take a step closer, time moving so slowly that I can feel the blood moving from my heart to my fingertips as I touch her face. I never tire of seeing her, thinking of her, remembering her, wanting her, and yes, feeling her. Her cheek welcomes my hand as I caress it, barely brushing her hair aside, to reveal her full beauty....

As her eyes close, her mind opens to the growing fire inside. She touches my hand and guides it around her neck, as my arm slides around her waist, pulling her gently, closer, feeling her curves pressing flat to my body....

Why can't we be closer? I want to be closer.... until we are one....

Impatience almost gets the best of me, but I recover enough that she doesn't notice. She's enjoying the moment, our priceless time together, absorbed by the emotion of love and reacting to our closeness, beating hearts, soft skin, lips ready for a kiss that will never end...

The affect on me is the same as the first time.... A dizziness not experienced anywhere but in her arms. We could stay here in bliss, yet the allure of more draws us to explore each other as if we had never met. Fingers sensing every inch of her, wanting to touch every inch, tongue wanting to taste every inch....

thank goodness we have forever....

WHY ARE WE ATTRACTED TO CERTAIN PEOPLE:WARNING of THE DARK SIDE

It's funny how things turn out. I originally wrote on this topic as a warning of how we should fight the urge keep our heads in the clouds. As the words came out, I was reminded how the butterflies felt, skin tingling with excitement, and drifting into the grips of fantasy. The end-result had a much-different tone. It's not so bad to just go with the flow, right?

Well....

I felt the need to show you the original idea.

In the previous posting, I asked many questions with answers to none. That doesn't mean the attraction isn't real or the affect isn't measurable or that it will end in a happy or positive way. There are two choices when faced with this situation, and one of them is to hope for the best and let the illusion run it's course.

The other reality is, sometimes, we should run....

When an obviously awful person attracts us – and we should be able to know awfulness when we see it! - we need to channel our inner Dr Phil and just tell ourselves, DON'T DO IT!

When we see that this person, who seemed so perfect, now has an unhealthy effect on us, we recognize that we might not be able to help them, change them or tolerate them. We need to have a Plan B and exit stage right. Lessen the damage. Maintain our sanity AND our bank accounts.

And yet, most of the time, we don't.

For obvious reasons, we hope for the best. A romantic ending to the great story of “US”. Happily-ever-after with our soulmate.

WAKE UP!

It takes more than an electric smile from a stranger to earn time spent with you. They have to be about something, have qualities you can be proud of, care about how you are, want to be a part of your life as much as you want to part of theirs, and REALLY want you to be a part of theirs and not afraid to tell you.

It takes more than the empty-headed bliss that happens every time they stand next to you. Hopefully, you can keep one foot planted in that sliver of reality that remains and see the situation for what it is – someone you should start a conversation with and see if they are worthy of another... and another and another.

or...

Maybe space aliens are using mind control and you are an experiment on how much misery a human being can take.

It's easy to do nothing, let the euphoria last as long as it will, and hope it doesn't end in complete and utter devastation.

Focus!

Of course it's a great feeling when someone lifts your spirits at the exact moment they need lifting. You are living in Happyville when they can make you smile with just a thought. It's magical when your eyes meet and.... sigh..... I was just remembering when SHE walked in the room, to talk to ME! (birds chirping, sun shining.... aaaahhhhhhh........)

What were we talking about???

Oh.... that's right... attractionality. Yup... it sure can be intoxicating. Especially when we have been alone for a long time. We explain it away that “it's better than spending ANOTHER night alone”... don't bet on it.

When we are in a weakened state and can't trust our vision to see the world as it is, what can we do?

PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

It's easy to forget that the attraction is like a drug and like a drug, can have damaging side-effects. It can make you do things you can't explain. It has the power to erase your common-sense and delete your entire education. It can make “What the heck” logical and a reason to proceed. Oh brother....

DON'T DO IT!

If they aren't a positive influence in your life, more than the brief escapes they bring without even trying, beyond feeling giddy, then it's time for a cold shower or an intervention.... Or both.... Twice.

I don't want to sound like an old poop. Someone who looks at a half-filled glass of water and not even debate whether it is half-full or half empty. They just complain that it's not a soda. They are NO fun!

That's why I still believe, open to possibilities, wanting to inspire the novel, but with clearer vision and a more realistic expectation.

How do YOU feel?