Is THAT Why I'm Still Single?

A running joke has been me saying "Is THAT why I am still single?" to many ridiculous statements. Things like a friend saying it's strange I don't like brussels sprouts. Or if I admit to liking Jana Kramer's songs. Or if I say I'm not attracted to someone with mental issues. 

I started thinking about this and it made me want to examine exactly WHY... 

I have a long history of it, that's for sure. I was married for five years but a couple of those we were separated. I had a few girlfriends since, but most of the last 20 years have been spent alone. Or dating. Or dating and alone. 

It hasn't been for a lack of trying. 

In times before my insecurities diminished, I only required a person to like me before I wanted to hang out with them. My self-image was as low as it could be. I felt unwanted, unloved, and ugly. Luckily, it was something I could ultimately overcome. 

Unfortunately, it wasn't until AFTER I was married and divorced. It clearly affected who I exchanged vows with. To her credit, she moved on and upgraded. 

So why didn't I? 

I can look to my biological Father who was married 5 times. Since I WAS sane, it made me question if I was heading down the same path! I might have become TOO sensitive to finding the RIGHT gal to get UNsingle with. 

I can also admit that I enjoyed being single and dating - when I could AFFORD it!! It IS rather expensive.... Meeting new people, experiencing new things, and having my eyes opened to many different opinions and ideas WAS an enlightening experience. 

As I get older though, I question just how much I would enjoy my freedom going forward. It SEEMS like the daydreams I had in the past - of travelling alone, living alone, being alone - are fading fast. I would much rather have a special someone to lounge around with than have a new car or exotic vacation. 

Sooooo....

...to learn from my past, let's EXAMINE it more closely. 

The first relationship I had when my marriage was over was with Ana. She was professional, respectful, and pretty. I was smitten and it took a while to even get her to notice. I was still insecure and Ana actually made me change my whole mindset about relationships and deal better with them. I thought she might be the next MRS but she had OTHER ideas. I'm sure I was at fault. 

What followed for the next few years was a series of "fun" dating but nothing I wanted to change my newfound freedom for. Even Gail, who would have made a GREAT wife, wasn't what I was looking for at the time. Not that I KNEW what I was missing. Gail is gone now and I wonder if she realized just how much she meant to me. 

The next meaningful woman to surprise me was Aurora. She wasn't like anyone I ever met. She was from a big city and traveled a bit. She was smart, and determined and easy to like. My phone bills at the time were INSANE! Yes, I know times have changed.... So why not HER being my spouse? 

I was still a few years away from figuring out my self-worth and probably deep down, I KNEW she wouldn't want to keep me the way I was. I made excuses and it seemed so logical to explain it away, but she was a keeper. I just wasn't smart enough to do it. 

A handful of a handful of months later, I was OK with myself and the realities of life being easier to handle. This made dating even easier. The more confidence one has, the more you can just be yourself. And I was who I was. If someone didn't like it, then I was moving on. No problema.

A few years further and along comes Virginia. She was cool and we have our fun but something is missing, in my eyes. I wish I knew what. It can be frustrating when you meet a person who likes you but there is a limit to how much I like HER. She was a good Mother and cute, but.... turned out she wasn't for me. My loss.

Then, once I moved to Philly a couple years later, my dating life was wide open! It was MUCH easier to meet people and I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed some professional success, so I got to travel more. 

I met Carolyn, who would have made a life with me in a minute, but I made excuses of why she shouldn't. We are somehow still friends and I am reminded often of the mistake I made leaving her go. She has married and is living happily ever after... of course.

I met people from work-related activities, I met ladies that worked in the same industry, and I met people just out and about the streets of Brotherly Love. There were a few that wanted more, a couple that wanted MUCH more, and there were a few that I wanted much more, but THEY didn't. 

Was it bad luck or just a bad head on my shoulders, that kept me from settling down? The more I think about it, the more I know it was me. 

... to be continued