VOLKSWAGEN ..... Is anyone surprised by ANYTHING anymore?

Most of you have heard about the latest "oops" of a multi-BILLION dollar company. VW has been caught cheating on their tests... emissions tests of their diesel engines. It's only the latest in the comedy world of Big Business. I say comedy because as I sit back and watch, not with my portfolio of mutual funds and stocks, but with my "Common Sense #1" hat on, I can do nothing but laugh.

Laugh.... at the non-reaction of the every-day man and woman. I can't blame anyone for giving up on making a difference. The world today seems less and less inclined to get outraged and STAY outraged until something is done. Yes, we fill the news a few nights in a row with some clever catch-phrases or scandalous photos that seem to disappear almost as fast as they arrived. Our attention span is seeming to be reverting back to when we were 3 and discovering something new every few minutes.

Of course I ask myself why, and as usual, I tell myself to quit talking to myself. And stop using the word "myself" so often.

The answer isn't complicated in my opinion. It all revolves around how we feel about ourselves. Just think... if we were full of self-confidence, would it matter what anyone thinks? Would we be advertising our thoughts, in hopes we get a reaction? Would we be taking selfies, just to prove "we were there"??? Would we just accept the "way it is" by doing nothing about it?

I doubt it.

You can make an argument that technology has inspired all of us to become involved in the world, yet aren't we LESS involved in our own worlds since the last decade? I feel most of the social media outlets exist to make a person feel significant. To have a purpose. To be a part of life, even if it isn't your own. Spread your voice, even if no one is listening. Get upset and inject some of that anger to the masses, hoping it will inspire others to agree.

I feel sad when I meet someone who is obviously stressed. Most times, it's over a moment that will pass quickly and be forgotten in no time at all. Some times, the "catastrophe" is by our own choices and decisions. We all handle issues that come up in different ways, yet shouldn't we know when to get fully involved and when to let it go?

I hope I live long enough to see people becoming more and more compassionate and active in their neighborhood,  local government, their Companies they work for, their Representatives in State and Federal government, and anywhere we COULD have an affect on the workings of these organizations and people that run them. Until that time, I'll keep writing.... and laughing.

How do YOU feel?

ROBIN WILLIAMS & DEPRESSION

I was, interestingly enough, working on a (hopefully) amusing version of my obituary. With the news that we have lost yet another iconic entertainer and the circumstances surrounding him, I felt the need to write something else.

Look close at any Robin Williams routine, scene, or interview, and you won't see it. He was a HIGHLY intelligent human being who seemed comfortable with who he was and what he did, but you didn't see it. He had professional success beyond most of his peers, and thoroughly enjoyed performing for anyone, bringing a laugh to lighten the load of the daily grind, yet you didn't see it. His life, by all appearances, was a dream come true, but what you didn't see was the nightmare his alone-time must have been. He could have been your closest friend or relative, and you might not have had a clue that something was seriously wrong.

Depression.

It makes no sense to anyone who doesn't suffer from it. Here's the hard fact – YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMETHING LOGICAL WHEN THE SITUATION IS ILLOGICAL. There's nothing that makes sense with this.

People think life has to be awful to be feeling down and dark.

People think by telling someone they are loved, it will cure it.

People think only the weak among us are affected.

People think they should be able to see the pain and suffering on a person's face.

People think they could have helped.

People think those that are depressed feel NO emotions.

Look at Robin and you will see the real answers to these questions -

FALSE

FALSE

FALSE

FALSE

FALSE

FALSE

Someone's life can be everything you want it to be for YOU, yet if that person is battling with depression, they have another vision. There can be lots of love and affection, but if that person doesn't see it, feel it, or want it, it's not relevant. Weakness of mind or body doesn't qualify or disqualify you from having to cope with it. You probably won't see the signs of depression in a lot of people because it's hidden on purpose, cleverly disguised, and not for anyone's eyes to see, especially if you are close to them. No one can help until the victim is able to recognize their situation and want to find a way out. Not everyone does, has the desire, or strength.

I am lucky. All I have to do is know the funk is staring me in the face, and I have learned what needs done to lighten the blow. I exercise a bit, mingle with folks a bit, find ways to help someone or even just put a smile on a strangers face. It sounds so simple, yet it can be very VERY hard to do.

Let me explain how life CAN be....

• You wake up and your first thought is, “damn... I have to live through another day.
• You are doing your favorite activity, yet your reaction is, “...sigh”.
• You KNOW if you do this or that, you will feel better, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. Don't confuse it with laziness, it's the paralysis of the affliction.
• You can appear happy in public, yet you almost look forward to the solitude of loneliness, wallowing in the misery that allows no hope.
• You can have moments when you think a real option is, to just take a long walk in the desert with no plans on returning. On a good day, you see this as a BAD option and move on. But not EVERY day.

Many of you will recognize what I'm talking about. Many will just have confirmed,  I am coo-coo.

The sad truth is, we are all so different that there is no one cure for everyone. Some can take a pill, some can go for a walk, some can talk their way through it, some never find it.

I think the one thing that is very important is to be able to recognize your dark side. Everyone has a side that balances out the joy we feel. The problems lie in those of us who have that side occupy a larger portion of reality that others. It can also be a benefit.

Huh?

Here's my take on it. The dark side is the extreme version of hopelessness, yet it IS an emotion of extreme power. It is ALSO balanced out by joy that is just as extreme. That is how a talent like Robin Williams can spend his life entertaining, acting out every emotion because, to him, it's easy. He had the tools that come from these wild emotional extremes. Higher highs, lowers lows. Life is about emotions and having more emotions means you will live a more complicated life. It's like taking a windy road instead of a straight one to the same destination.

I came to feel comfort in my feeling down. Once it fully kicked in, I would spend an entire weekend letting the emptiness, the bleak despair, envelope me. Solitary confinement was a reward, my friend and companion.

BUT.....

I was able to fill the emptiness, repair the despair, blot out the bleakness, and want the company of other human beings. It was like changing clothes. I was lucky. I could take off the jacket of hopelessness and put on my Hawaiian shirt of happiness. I mean, who can feel down wearing something like THAT?

Medication didn't work for me. People's affections didn't help. Talking to a professional didn't improve anything. Nothing WORKS for me.

I found no cure. I found control. I found a way for ME to deal. It never goes away fully. The clouds of gloom and doom are always in sight. Tears are a moment away, waiting to be exposed. Like I said, higher highs, lower lows.

If you are in the grips of the big “D”, take it from many who struggle with the same thing.

If a pill helps, take the pill.

If a walk helps, take a walk.

If you know darkness leads to destruction, stay in the light.

If talking to someone really helps, keep talking.

The world is a better place with you in it. You CAN contribute. You can HELP others that don't have your strength deal with this evil monster that cowers in the dark.

The world NEEDS flawed folks like us to show them the limits of joy and sadness, because they have no idea how happy or despondent they can be. Look around and know EVERYONE is messed up, it's just a matter of degrees. Some are better than you, some worse.

Once you find your happy place, you can visit the darkness anytime you want or need to.

Even if it's only to cry. 

LOOKING BACK AT "TIME OFF"

I scribbled the thoughts below many months ago and it was interesting to read them again. This was a time that I seemed stuck, felt bleak, and had no purpose. Things have changed considerably since then....After the 2 months respite from wordery, I put out more postings than ever... over 30 in the next 6 weeks!

 Here's what I had to say THEN, when my attitude was, let's say, not-so-positive.....

"Sometimes, you can see the value of something when you step away for a while....

Unfortunately, this did NOT happen with me and writing!

So what DID I do?

I gained weight..... I lost weight..... I gained weight..... I stared at empty pages, wondering what to say, yet knowing inspiration was on vacation and I wasn't invited. I tried to write a journal but realized it was awful and unreadable.... I thought about dating, then laughed out loud as it was a ridiculous idea. What could I possibly offer anyone when I'm in the mess I'm in....

Mess?

What else could I call it when I live alone in a small apartment, trying to convince myself to return to a company I learned to hate - all to help someone that didn't seem to care? I have neither the money or energy to date anyone and I feel unattractive to everyone, have nothing to give, nothing to inspire, nothing to care about.... That sounds like a mess, right?

Am I going nowhere or just travelling the road to nowhere?"

The reason I felt the way I did was that Mom left and went back to her house. The house that she asked me to help her escape from. The house that she shared with a double-x husband. I thought that coming back to PA to help her would give me a new start to SOMETHING, because, up to that point, I had nothing to look back on but distant memories. I was alone again and not needed... by anyone.

Part of me was glad that there were no dependents, as I might not have done such a great job of taking care of them. My apathy had grown and didn't seem to have any limits. I eventually went to see a Dr about it and was deemed "healthy" by almost all measurables. I was surprised....

I figured it was my time to have issues. I had gained way too much weight and didn't care at all about changing the situation, or about anything in general. I had enough blood taken to feed a vampire or two for a wild night, but nothing came up abnormal. No medical reason to blame, no symptom to prescribe medication, no changes coming my way apparently"

The update: Changes DID come.

Despite reliving this bad-excuse-of-a-life, knowing what was happening, I was content to watch a replay of episodes instead of changing the channel. Until the day came to get to work. And I dove in...

I worked... and worked.... and worked.... but I loved making a difference. 

I took a bad circumstance and improved it. I met some great folks along the way, and I saved some money
for a rainy day (Of course, the probability of precipitation WAS going to climb sooner or later!!!). It was like the covers were lifted and I awoke to a world where I was actually a part of. I was happy.... alone, but still happy. Things were good.....

Moral of this story - You CAN persevere, through the darkest of moments, through the lousiest of times, through the worst kind of misery you can imagine living in. You CAN persevere, despite the chemical imbalances, the lack of fairness in life, without anyone helping.... all the while recognizing you have control over your mood, your body, and your life.... especially if you don't care...

 

IS IT SO AWFUL?

The stillness screams
a familiar tone
an aching reminder
… of being alone

As one with my thoughts
if I had any to share
A few come and go
but I don't seem to care

Do I really feel nothing?
Inviting conclusions
this life as I'd known it
was not an illusion

No family or friends
to call on at all
No wife, child or pet
… just stare at the wall

'cause it won't talk back
or leave, go... forever
It won't inflict pain
nor comfort, no... never

What kind of friend
to have can that be?
Is it so awful when
all I've got is me?

It's NOT Enough to Ask “What If?”....

One of the biggest changes in my life happened when I was very young. I decided I was tired of dealing with the question "What If?".

In the past, if I wouldn't do something and then regret my inaction, I would torture myself because I made no effort. I would try and explain to myself that it wasn't meant to be, it shouldn't be so hard, or it wouldn't have worked anyway. I would think that life isn't fair and that everyone else had it better than me. Makes me sick just thinking about it.

Some of those situations involved females, some were about not playing sports, some were for just not joining in or finishing what I started. When I finally changed my ways, it was very liberating. To try-and fail, is so much better than not trying at all.

Amazing things started happening.. I found that, when I gave a concerted effort, not only did it answer the question "What If?", it also made me feel better about myself. I didn't feel the jealousy I felt before. I was okay looking in the mirror and comfortable with my capabilities and limitations.

I finally got a girlfriend and then another and another (that's a different story!).... I started bowling more seriously and was better than average.... I traveled to places I only dreamed of...

With my new-found confidence, it allowed me to strive for more at work as well. Eventually I got into the insurance business and found that sales fit me, met hundreds of memorable people, and enjoyed my life far more than I would have ever expected.

I've had many opportunities, and although I'm not keeping score, I know there's many, many more failures then there are successes. If that sounds bad it shouldn't. I don't mind failing as long as I tried my best.

None of this would have happened if I only thought, "What If?" and did nothing.....

Great, Good, and Bad days separated by a moment....

I just got done watching “Love and Other Drugs” and it got me to thinking about happy and sad days.... the ones that linger.... the ones that are burned into our memory and won't fade away. The sheer number of each surprises me...

THE SAD

the day we “humanely” ended Tina's life

my first day to school with glasses

the day before and the day of having my appendix removed

the day I got caught stealing

attending Gail's funeral

the day I heard Mom's voice telling me to come home, Dad had died

the day I let a pop fly go over my head

the day I left Duke go to a new family

the day I came home, scraped and bruised and all Dad says is that I can't even ride a bike

the day I realized I was average in seemingly EVERYTHING

the day I had to tell my in-laws that their daughter and I were getting a divorce

the day Elvis died

when I went to the dance with my new platform sneakers and matching hat

the day I realized Vanessa was never coming back to me

the day I wished all the people on earth would just disappear

the day I realized the my ex-in-laws didn't care about me anymore

Heyward's funeral when his son broke down sobbing

the meeting I held to say goodbye to my District in Philly

when Duke was hit by a car

the day when I drove to Toledo to meet someone special and she didn't want to see me

the “immaculate reception”

the first and only home run hit off me as a pitcher

the day when I realized I would never see my Uncle Roger again

the day I lost Ana

when I knew I wasn't picked for the Jr High school basketball team

when I knew I wasn't like John Wayne

Middletown vs Berwick in the 1st state championship

telling Sonia I fell for Vanessa

when Virginia stuck me with the bill for fixing her car

a week after getting married I knew I made a mistake

wrecking my first new motorcycle

THE HAPPIEST

my first kiss

the night before leaving Germany

when I lost my wallet in NYC and a construction worker helped me out

my first visit to a strip club

taking Carolyn on a shopping spree

seeing Niagara Falls

visiting Graceland

my first game I pitched

flying to Florida to get engaged

the first day I posted my blog

bowling 300...twice!

Finding my glasses after losing them neck-deep in the ocean

waking up before Duke and he is sleeping beside me snoring...

having Mom see her son earning awards at convention

buying my Acura

the day Vanessa told me she would marry me

finding my “happy place”

the first time I had sex (all 12 seconds of it! Thanx Jodi!)

when my Aunt Nancy told me Uncle Roger really cared about me

winning dodgeball in 9th grade against the seniors

finding Duke after he ran away

when I found out I officially broke the record for sales


As I look at this list, I am reminded that each and every one of these days were normal ones that would quickly be forgotten. The routine of life is broken up by very few things. A tragedy, a bad decision, or other rotten thing makes it not such a great day, but hopefully one that we can learn from and become a better version of ourselves. It's the bad that makes us who we are and dealing in a positive way is the key to happiness.

Anyone can handle the good days. They are easy. We love to smile and laugh and have joy envelope us like a blanket we never want to get out from under.

But....

That's not reality. We are one moment, one split second away from adding to our list of good days. The reality is ALSO, we are one moment, one split second away from ending our days bad as well. Remember THAT while the tears flow, while the heart breaks, while we swim in the pool of despair...

…. one moment, one split second to go until the tears are dry, the heart begins to heal, and we reach for that blanket once again....

Stupid Man I Am

SHES GONE........
VANISHED, AS IF SHE WAS NEVER THERE
NO GOODBYES, SEEYALATERS,
NOTHING.....

IS IT BETTER THIS WAY
OR DOES THE ROMANTIC INSIDE
SEE AN OPPORTUNITY
TO RISE ABOVE

AND MAKE A STORY-BOOK ENDING
TO A STORY NEVER TOLD?

IN TIME MY HEART WILL SEE
WHAT MY HEAD ALREADY KNOWS....
SHE ISN'T GONE.........
SHE WAS NEVER THERE

SHE NEVER SAW IN ME
WHAT I COULD BE,
WANTED TO BE,
THOUGHT I NEEDED TO BE

HERS AND HERS ALONE,
TOGETHER,
HAPPILY EVER-AFTER
BUT......

THERE ARE TWO PARTS TO A ROMANCE
AND WHEN ONE PART IS MISSING
ITS JUST A SAD STORY
OF A STUPID MAN

EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS
MAKES YOU A LITTLE LESS-LIKELY
TO LIVE OUT THE MOVIE
TO INSPIRE THE NOVEL

WHO WANTS TO BE CRUSHED
BY THE CHANCE YOU TAKE
TO BRING JOY TO YOUR LIFE?
BETTER TO NOT RISK LOSING

THAN FACE THE REALITY
OF EMPTINESS
LONELINESS......
HOPELESSNESS...


YET I CONTINUE TO SEEK
I CONTINUE TO HURT
I CONTINUE TO TRY

TO LIVE OUT THE MOVIE
TO INSPIRE THE NOVEL

AND HAPPILY BE THE STUPID MAN I AM

Who am i kidding???????

I spoke to Vanessa today. It was very unexpected, but I must admit, it made my day brighter.

I have to remind myself this is the same woman that changed the course of my life. She let me see how good things could be, then tore it all away. She is the cause for my highest highs, and my lowest lows.

And yet......

I told her "I hate to admit... I'll always and forever be in love with you V... forever"

What is wrong with me?

I was saddened to hear that she is not happily married. My version of the perfect life has ALWAYS included marrying Vanessa. To have and to hold, till death do us part, nothing would have made me happier than becoming Mr & Mrs. To wake up every morning to her would be better than winning the lottery.

I told her I saw pictures of her family and I've laughed at the fact her husband isn't wearing a smile In ANY of them. The reality is, it ripped what was left of my heart to shreds knowing it was not me she would say her vows to.

When I saw her pictures of being pregnant, I told her I was hurt briefly. How funny is that? What I should have told her was the truth.... All hope was lost.

In all my crazy thoughts, I always believed one day she would realize I was a perfect fit for her and she would finally be mine. She would be happier than she could ever dream and the smile of knowing my love would never leave her face. It was all gone when I saw she was living my dream without me. Someone else was doing the things I fantasized about.... Spending time with the kids, helping her be more successful in her professional life, and mostly, just giving my love and life to the family I wanted, I needed, the one I would die for.

I wanted to die....

But I knew that lacked courage. The easy way out. I've never taken that path! I had to do better.

So I tried to move on. I dated, I mingled, I kept busy and tried to convince myself I was "over it" but.....

I know I never will.

She asked me if I was still upset with her.... I told her " It makes me a little sad knowing you aren't as happy as I wanted to make you. My picture of us was very different than you imagined...."

"I've said many times you were the love of my life.... I just wish I would have been the love of yours...."

All she could say was, "Im sure and I now realize. :-( "

That's all it took to erase the pain. A few words to awaken the soul that was wounded so long ago...

What Is wrong with me?

I'm hopelessly in love with a woman that doesn't feel the same... Has never felt the same.... Will never feel the same.

It would make a lousy movie

THAT NOT-SO-MAGICAL MOMENT...

There are times in all our lives that are memorable, both good and bad. Seems the bad fades away over time and the good just keeps getting gooder! I want to always remember the time when it all made perfect sense...

I wasn't working for a while and was running out of money. I never thought I would be in this bad of shape as I had made plenty in the years before, but only saved some. You know - you have to LIVE a little!!!!! I was single and for those of you who don't know - the single life is E-X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E. I dated a lot and had my fun. The stories are priceless, but they don't pay the bills and mine were piling up. I had no income, rent was going to be due in a few days, no prospects, and hope was draining from my soul.

I had always tried to stay positive as I knew my life was better than most. No complaints. I had been in the DC area for three years and it was ok, if not a bit solitary. One of the things I noticed in the big cities is the way people seem to be so disposable. I guess that makes sense when there are so many in a large metropolitan area. No reason to invest much in anyone when you have a replacement standing by. So it gets lonely sometimes, especially when times are tough. You don't think the same and it can get dangerous.

I had a moment when I was walking around the neighborhood, that everything was crystal clear. I was going to take what little money I had and drive to California, as I had never been there before. Just leave. Don't take anything with me, don't call anyone, leave the cell phone and all my things behind. Just drive. Get to the Pacific, smell the ocean, get back in the car, drive to the desert, and go for a walk that I did not plan on returning from. It made so much sense. It would keep me from dealing with my problems and pain and loneliness. The perfect answer..... except for the sanity part! It was at that moment, when I didn't have anywhere to turn, when I had no hope, no answers, that I woke up and said to myself - "self, get over it and DO something about it!" It was not like me to go down in defeat without a fight and I haven't even begun.

In contemplating this plan and the unanimous rejection of it, I saw how folks can get so down they think they have no options. I understood how rational things SEEM, yet no one else would agree. I wish everyone would be able to sink so low that despair only happened on a good day, if only for a moment.

It's only then you can be TRULY thankful for what you have, even if it's only the air in your lungs. Things can be replaced, careers can start over, relationships can begin anew, but dreams go for a lifetime and I realized that I had way too many to look forward to to stop now.

My dreams are there for me stronger than ever. They get me through the times when clouds seem to hang around a little too long. I am reminded of that day when insanity ruled - and my victory over it....

VANESSA

well, a very surprising thing happened that was a blast from the past. Let me explain...

I had this girl (let's call her Vanessa, since that's her name) and I thought at the time, she was the most beautiful, most dazzling woman I ever spent time with. There was a moment when we were together that I can point to that life seemed "perfect". I was where I was meant to be. I was never a big believer in fate or anything that said someone else was in control of my life, but this seemed so right, and of course, no one EVER had such a great match...

When I first cast my eyes on this young lady, I told my friends at the office I just saw the prettiest girl in Philly. Gorgeous. It took months to see her again, but I kept trying to run into her (she was a neighbor in an apartment complex) and eventually succeeded. It took more months to try and spend some time with her, but I kept at it and I eventually succeeded. It took more months to try and convince her I wasn't the devil and we should be together. It wasn't long until she admitted she loved me (first lie). I was in heaven! I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. I had been in love before ( I was about 38 at this time - YES I KNOW, most people have this happen at a much younger age, but I'm thick-headed, slow-learning, and blond!) and this felt so much more than just the normal goo-goo eyed love of before. It MUST be real, right? She even admitted that she would marry me (2nd lie) when we were on a weekend getaway. It's a wonder I didn't make arrangements on the spot! I am known for being a bit spontaneous, but I figured I had time and we would tie the knot soon enough.

Then reality happened.... (this is the part where Sam Kinison would yell "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!)

It was on the same weekend that she started pulling back. Maybe she realized she was making a mistake or maybe she just didn't want to be in a relationship at that time. I don't know about you, but folks who say that really mean that they don't want one with YOU. Anyway, I kept the faith that she would come around and join me again in bliss. The weeks that went by turned me into someone I didn't like or want to be around. My happiness that others had seen from a distance was gone. What stared back at me in the mirror was a confused, depressed, almost angry man that wanted to wake up and have this all be a bad dream. Maybe if I had been on meth or something....

I eventually moved away. Not too far that we couldn't see each other (which didn't happen) and I was still hoping "together" was still in our vocabulary. I missed the kids, who seemed like my own. There would be times when it seemed like a reunion was coming, but mostly there was deafening silence. If only my vision was 20/20. Friends told me that she wasn't good enough for me, but what did THEY know? They didn't see her like I did! Sound familiar? I will call this the "STUPID" time in my life where I lost my favorite car ( I gave it to her when hers broke down), I left a great friendship that was leading to more, and I suddenly didn't care about much. The empty hole where emotions used to live was spreading. When I sat down and looked at this like it was someone on Jerry Springer and not me, it was easy - GET OVER IT! Easy, right? Of course if you ever lived through this type of hell, you know it's not. Logic gets tossed out of the equation and is replaced with a retarded, nonsensical blubbery that overpowers all attempts to cure it. Yes, blubbery...

Anyway, fast forward a few years and my mind wanders to V and I wonder if she is on MySpace or something. I do a search and find - her wedding pictures. Hmmmmmmmmmm

It was surprising that I wasn't bothered too much. Maybe time healed (somewhat) or logic prevailed, I don't know, but it made me think more about her and how many times she must have lied to me. Why should it matter? What would I gain by knowing one way or another? All good questions, but none changed my mind - I was going to ask her what was up.

In the past, I would write these long emails (no, not hundreds... just a few. I'm not THAT guy) telling her how I felt and hoped she would respond. Yea, she would, with about three words. Always a disappointment. Didn't keep me from trying again weeks or months later (remember I am thick-headed) and getting the same results. Slowly this made me a bit numb and allowed me to start thinking of moving on.

Anyway..........

She must have thought I wanted to dredge up why she wasn't with me, because when she did respond, it was with a whole paragraph! Wow. The gist of it was her saying the same things she always did (thanx for the car, blah, blah, blah) and that she had done what she said she would do (umpteenth lie) and that she hoped I was as happy as she was. Hmmmmmm.

I couldn't think of any way to respond that wouldn't make me sound like an unhappy camper or a future serial killer, so I didn't write back. It wasn't the answer I was looking for, but she said enough to (maybe) allow me to forget what could have been and finally see the positive of this relationship. That I could put up with dishonesty, destroyed credit, broken heart, and athlete's foot (probably not her fault but I'm blaming her anyway!) and NOT commit a homicide shows me I am stronger than I thought. The fact I didn't choke her when she stuck me with a car note I couldn't afford. The fact that I waited years to give her back my heart but never got the opportunity. These were all choices on my part and I have accepted that.

What's the moral of the story - heck if I know. Ask Dr Phil...........

I'll just keep trying to find someone who fits my life and not settle for less than "real good". "Perfect" is a symptom of STUPID!