6 WEEKS LATER

 

46 days she's been gone. I still have trouble with the idea she's not here with me any longer. I had one of my favorite pictures of Mom super-sized and put it on the mantle. 

It helps to see her smiling face every day, but the sadness of her passing still hits me hard. 

Me being me, I wonder why the natural order of things is so difficult to deal with. Yes, I understand missing Mom, because she meant so much to me, not only because the lifetime of memories I still have, but I wish she wouldn't have had to deal with the Alzheimers. She would probably still be watching TV with me every day. She was healthy otherwise. Who knows how many more years she had. Maybe more than me.

I struggle to find a new purpose. Taking care of her was like breathing, so now that that duty is gone, where do I go from here? I certainly have new limitations.

If I was me at 40 instead of 60, it prolly would be easier to see a future of fun and adventure. But the reality is, most of the dreams I had that involved much physical activity are put away. Arthritis has taken a good hold, and limits what I can actually do during the day. Not only in the knees, but it seems to be spreading throughout. Cross "sky diving" off the bucket list.... and MANY other things. 

I am reminded how alone I am daily. Not that it is such a bad thing. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. But that doesn't define happiness. What is left to discover? To experience? To cherish? Maybe that is why I am reading more.

Looks like I have some investigating to do....

THE LONG GOODBYE IS DONE

 

At around 2:30 this morning, Mom passed on. 

Even as I process it now, the words don't seem real. 

I can see her in my mind, happy as she could be, hugging her 4 sisters for the first time in decades. The last gathering was almost 25 years ago.

They were all so full of joy to be together again. 

I know it was selfish to want to keep her with me longer, but I would have signed up for ANOTHER nine and a half years in a heartbeat. 

I've written a bit about our journey through this difficult disease, almost 10 years of learning, adapting, and moving forward. There is much documented on the stages, the setbacks, the challenges, yet the most important thing I tried to focus on was laughing. Mom could do that often, once she forgot the painful memories of the past. 

These past few months have been particularly difficult, as Mom didn't smile as often, or seem to have much recognition of anything familiar. I feared she was slipping away from me even further, sleeping more than 20 hours a day. Eating changed to mostly drinking these last couple of weeks. Even her assisted "walking", where I took most of her weight, and she moved her feet, was done. I knew Mom was going to leave me soon, but I was NOT ready. 

Last Sunday, I got her up as normal, and everything seemed to go as before. She had her "breakfast" of drinks and yogurt and banana, but she had trouble like she never had before. She started to have real struggles of swallowing, so I stopped, hoping she wouldn't have further issues with food going down the wrong pipe. 

Then, she slept.... and slept... and slept. All the while having a change in her breathing. She had been thru this before, but slept it off with no problems after. This was different. 

I took her to the hospital, a week ago tonight, and she just wouldn't wake up. They put some IV fluids in as we waited for the test results, and they came back as pneumonia, so they gave her some medicine that seemed to even out her breathing. Then they asked if I knew this was just the beginning of the end. I had to admit, I did. 

She didn't wake up all week, although her eyes might have been open occasionally. I knew she had been gone for longer, but she went as we all would want to go... deep in sleep.

Mom kept being Mom, even when there seemed to be nothing of her left. She stayed kind, happy, and easy to take care of. I don't know if she ENJOYED being the center of attention in our household, but I sure was happy to see her smile. Nothing has made me more proud to be her son than being able to be there when she needed me most.

Mom has made me a better man than I was before this all started. I've said this before. She got me to think more of someone else before me. After being on my own for almost 40 years, it was easy to do whatever it took to make Mom a happy woman. 

I hope I made her proud....

ME in 2024

 

Well, it seems the mood to write doesn't happen as often as it used to. It's prolly because I don't have much to report. Life is kind of repetitious, which I used to dislike with a passion. Mom seems to thrive on a routine, so we just routinely go thru our day and enjoy it. 

While I have nothing to complain about, I certainly won't admit everything is perfect. The aches and pains are spreading, the weight is not coming off as fast as in the past because the aches and pains are spreading. I have time to myself since Mom is sleeping so much these days, but the desire and ability to get some fun things done just isn't there. 

It's NOT because of depression or anything like that. My mental state is as strong as it's ever been. Years of self-examination have really helped in that department. I know that taking care of Mom has helped me realize what is truly important these days, and also in dealing with any issues that pop up. 

It's car show season, and I have to admit, I have ZERO motivation to attend any. Why? I'm sure it's more than one reason, but the biggest reason is that I am OK with just staying home. I have my online interests, my day-dreaming, and reading to get me thru. I wish I had some relevant writing to do. I wish I could really get into some low-impact exercises. I wish the lottery would FINALLY pick the right numbers! 

Interesting thing about my lottery dreams. There is going to come a point in the near future where I will stop playing. It has been therapeutic to escape the reality of life these past few years. Dreaming of a time where I could do all the things I thought were out of reach. Cars, travel, helping other, meeting new people, things like that. Figuring out how I would spend the money has been quite entertaining. Digging in deep what would be the best way to uplift folks went in many directions. Travel plans were all over the world. Homes in different parts of the country also distracted from any negativity that might creep in. 

The reality is, I'm going to be 60 in a few days. That doesn't even sound right. How could I be OLD already???? 

Anyways....

I know if the arthritis isn't something I can minimize, many of the plans I had when younger will never be realized, even if I could afford it. I hold out hope that there is SOMETHING I can do to improve with enough funds. If not, the list of "To-do" things gets remarkably short. 

It gets harder and harder to work on a car. It is impossible to walk miles like I used to do without thinking. Even driving long distances is a chore that I don't look forward to. 

But....

I still enjoy learning new things. I still look forward to reading the next good book. I still love making plans, even if they aren't going to happen. I still smile watching a good movie. I don't get down, or mopey for long periods of time any more. I battled that demon for decades, but it is defeated. No medication required. 

I feel like I am the best ME that I have ever been. It's actually a good feeling.... 

What's next? 

Hopefully something cool to write about...

Mom in 2024

There hasn’t been an update on Mom for a while. While her condition gradually gets worse,we’ve hit a spot where the changes are small.  When I look at the last post updating her status, I realize a LOT has changed. I guess I was waiting for a happier ending to her struggles, but the reality has set in and it’s time to admit, she will probably not walk again on her own. 

Last April, she fell as we were walking into the house. I had her hand, so the landing was very, very minor. I thought. As I tried to get her to her feet, she couldn’t put any pressure on one side, which I thought was strange. It was almost a year after her Covid experience, and although it hit her hard, she recovered enough to walk again, with a helping hand. Luckily, I had a wheelchair handy, so I loaded her up and took her inside, hoping to see rapid improvement. It’s difficult to diagnose anyone who can’t speak, and sometimes there are little episodes that resolve themselves overnight, so I took a wait-and-see approach. I’m still waiting…

We have been working on getting her back on her feet, but she needs LOTS of support to even walk across the room. The upside is, she smiles like a little kid after we do this exercise, so it’s easy to keep doing it!  I still holdout a little hope for her to walk on her own, but the Dr’s just think it’s part of the decline. We won’t stop trying. 

She sleeps an average of 20 hours a day now, long enough to eat, which she does VERY well. She seems to be maintaining her weight, which is always a concern. We watch a little TV, and sometimes have a chat. I just wish I knew what she was saying!  She smiles a lot less, but it makes me appreciate it when it happens. Sadly there is no recognition of me in her eyes, but I can still get her to smile, even if I am a stranger to her. She also has stopped enjoying the rides in the car, using that time to nap. 

While this all sounds normal in the course of this disease, we still look for positives. They are there. She can’t walk but she can stand, which makes our bathroom time easier. While she doesn’t smile often, she still does. I just have to try harder. While she sleeps a lot, I enjoy the time we can spend while she’s awake. While she gets closer to the time she is called home to see her family, I will hopefully make every day left a good one for the both of us. That’s been the goal all along. 

I think we have done pretty well, so far….