6 WEEKS LATER

 

46 days she's been gone. I still have trouble with the idea she's not here with me any longer. I had one of my favorite pictures of Mom super-sized and put it on the mantle. 

It helps to see her smiling face every day, but the sadness of her passing still hits me hard. 

Me being me, I wonder why the natural order of things is so difficult to deal with. Yes, I understand missing Mom, because she meant so much to me, not only because the lifetime of memories I still have, but I wish she wouldn't have had to deal with the Alzheimers. She would probably still be watching TV with me every day. She was healthy otherwise. Who knows how many more years she had. Maybe more than me.

I struggle to find a new purpose. Taking care of her was like breathing, so now that that duty is gone, where do I go from here? I certainly have new limitations.

If I was me at 40 instead of 60, it prolly would be easier to see a future of fun and adventure. But the reality is, most of the dreams I had that involved much physical activity are put away. Arthritis has taken a good hold, and limits what I can actually do during the day. Not only in the knees, but it seems to be spreading throughout. Cross "sky diving" off the bucket list.... and MANY other things. 

I am reminded how alone I am daily. Not that it is such a bad thing. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. But that doesn't define happiness. What is left to discover? To experience? To cherish? Maybe that is why I am reading more.

Looks like I have some investigating to do....