ANOTHER FUNERAL, MORE QUESTIONS...

I attended a funeral yesterday. He was a classmate that I was not close to. In fact, I can't remember a single conversation I ever had with him or his twin brother (who passed away earlier). And yet I was still drawn to going to his service. He wasn't a stranger, yet I knew nothing of his life since high school. All I knew was, at 48, Donnie Leggore was far too young to be gone. I found out he had a daughter and grandchild. He lost his Mom. His older brother and his father were still alive and I can't imagine the pain THEY must be going through. I certainly felt the loss for the family of a nice guy who was simple, hard working, and laid back. I have no idea why I went. It posed more questions than answers.

Was his life successful?

How do you measure the worth of someone's existence?

Is it the number of people at the funeral?
Is it in the children left behind?
Is it the things we leave behind?
Is it the amount of money in the bank?

Death makes many people examine their lives. What they are happy about. What they are sad about. What they have fallen short of accomplishing. Mostly, it comes down to what they SHOULD have done or what they have failed saying to the newly deceased. Therein lies the biggest tragedy...

It all could be avoided so easily by just saying what you feel, not waiting for “the right time” to let that special person know how special they are. If there is something you have been putting off, do it NOW and have no regrets. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

While I don't seem to need an event to make me ponder my own life, this certainly does make me think of his family and how they dealt with the loss. It's a shame that these are one of the few times where families all come together. How sad if that's the case. Instead of finding excuses to NOT spend time, we should be thinking of reasons we do. I'm as guilty as anyone for letting my own solitary ways prevent me from knowing how my cousins are. What is going on in their life? Are they happy? How big of a shithead do they REALLY think I am?

I have no idea.

How does that make me feel?

I feel like my life is unsuccessful, honestly. As comfortable as I am with the idea of death and what lies ahead, I fall short of being the son, brother, cousin, nephew, and uncle I really want to be. Is it tragic for those that I ignore? Nope. They have no way of knowing if I would bring anything worthwhile to their already busy lives. I have obviously made choices that were probably more selfish than I want to admit. Easier, for sure.

I made an effort years ago to try and bring myself closer to those family members that I felt detached from. I told them how I felt, told them I loved them, and then I let them react. If nothing different came from them, I let it go. Looking back, I now know if it truly meant anything to me, I wouldn't keep score of who is contacting who this time. If people really mean anything, it shouldn't matter. You should accept that some folks are not good at keeping in touch or expressing themselves. I am promising myself to try harder.

I want to feel like I won when I am gone, not just content.

I will win when I have no one that is close to me feel like there were things left undone, unsaid, or unsatisfied. I already do that with strangers. Should be easy to do with those that care, huh?