CHANGES

 

I've been thinking of this topic for some time. 

In accepting this "caretaker" position, how has it changed me and my life since 2016, when we first started down this path?

Turns out, in MANY MANY ways....

Of course, MOM dominates my writings here in the past few years. She is the focus, she is the most important person that needs me. I have no regrets, nor do I complain about this all-important part of life. 

BUT.....

Has these changes made a BETTER ME or .....???? Let's take a look. 

The first thing that comes to mind is patience. I thought I had it before, but I truly MUST take it to a new level with a person who has no logic or recall. Happiness, for the caretaker, depends on the reaction to the ongoing and ever-changing challenges. It's a choice and not to be taken lightly. So far, there hasn't been anything that we can't overcome. I'm hoping that never changes. 

Appreciation. I've always prided myself in knowing how lucky I have been in life and it doesn't end with this lifestyle. I LOVE being able to get some time to myself, even if it's only a few hours after Mom goes to bed or the few hours before she gets up. While it's tough to do much outside the house, I have decompression that many other caretakers only dream of. 

When the opportunity comes to be able to have someone watch Mom as I step out, it's both heavenly and disappointing. Separation issues didn't go away in the few hours I got in the past, but it was soooooooo relaxing to just push the responsibility away for a short time. I wish I could afford to do it more, but that might be me just being greedy.

Compassion. Being bullied as a kid, feeling ugly, and having an absentee father created a compassion for everyone else for sure. As I grew older, it only increased. Life has a way of changing perspectives on everything, and that includes feelings for someone other than me. I never imagined what some people put up with, trying to take care of a loved one, in spite of their issues and attitudes. I KNOW I have it easy with Mom, even now, as far as she has regressed. It COULD be so much worse to handle. 

Tolerance. One doesn't think of this until they have a dilemma that tests their capabilities. Like cleaning up a bathroom mess. Or the same mess in the least likely places, a car, an event, or on the couch. Like absorbing a disgruntled Mother's wrath. Like sleeping for only a couple hours at a time, so Mom doesn't have to lay in her own urine. Like plans changing because she is having a bad day. Like listening to sobbing that comes from the simplest things, like bathing. Or wanting to go home. Or for nothing at all. Tolerance comes in handy dealing with so much this disease brings to the party. If you don't have it, you better go to Costco and buy a few cases. 

Responsibility. For a single guy, this might be the toughest thing of all. One can enjoy a carefree life, but when the reality changes, the transition better come quick or you will be an unhappy soul. When you take care of a child, a parent, or any other human being, THEY come first. It's one that hopefully is easier to do because it comes from love. It will get you through the tough spots, no doubt. 

In my case, most of my life it has just been me. No kids. No significant other. Nothing to intrude in my own bubble. Needless to say, Mom changed all that. Was it easy? Yup. We talked about nursing homes and family history of memory issues. No surprise it popped up. When the time came, I was luckily able to do what needed done. Again, I feel lucky. 

Adaption. There was a saying I got from one of the best men I ever met. "You either change WITH change, or you will be CHANGED by change". Very true, not only in business, but in life as well. Mom's journey has made so many twists and turns, no warnings, no preparations. We just learned to roll with whatever came along. Since I am very laid back, this is a quality I already posses, but didn't use to the extreme I have now. One day Mom could be trusted, the next day she wandered out the door. It's just that quick. I'm always ready for the next change, whatever it may be. 

Cooking. Once upon a time, I went out for EVERY meal. For years. It was glorious. This too has passed and now we RARELY eat out. The times we do, it's only for camaraderie with friends. It's truly some of the best memories. And one of the things to look forward to. On any OTHER day, I'm cooking at least twice, more often 3 or 4 times a day. Luckily, Mom enjoys whatever I make. I'm lucky again. The menu changes a bit, but there are a few go-to dishes that are easy to make and Mom loves them. 

Sleep. Or the lack of it. I rarely get what I want in rest. Getting up every couple hours has a way of keeping you tired. The plus to it is that I no longer have problems falling asleep. Lucky again. I look forward to the day when I can just sleep until I'm READY to get up, not HAVING to get up. One day...

 Weight. I recently lost 50 pounds. The sad part is, I gained much more than that in the last 4 years. Somehow, the scale said 300 pounds at one point, and then went a little past. Ridiculous. I had to find a way of getting exercise, even on a day when Mom wasn't able to walk long distances. We were getting an hour every day for a while. Now, I don't know if I can trust she can do that kind of routine on hot, humid days. The focus HAS to be there or I run off the rails quickly. Wish me luck on losing the NEXT 50.... 

Outlook. My future has always been a cloudy one. Family history on BOTH sides dominated by Alzheimer's. Lovely prospect, huh? it gave me an out for planning a long life. I told so many friends that I would rather die from a heart attack than live years without my mind. Easy. Live for now. Tomorrow is a rumor. 

Well, that doesn't allow one to include ANYONE else, does it? Sounds lonely to me. I could SAY I wasn't, but that would be an outright lie. Lonely sux. Life is best with that special someone that you can share the celebrations and the tragedies. The only problem with that is, unless you already have that mate when caretaking starts, the odds of finding someone that will accept and embrace both of us in their life are not good. Yes, many people comment on how they respect what I'm doing, but few want to bring it into THEIR life. 

So how do I see my future NOW? Completely unknown. There's a certain excitement in that. And disappointment. Maybe not so lucky here....

Friendships. My traditional friend certainly has changed through the years. I've written about a few times, and it constantly evolves. I have more people than ever ask about me and Mom, and it's truly appreciated. They are mostly from the car community, which overflows with good folks. I can admit, I am lucky to have friends coast to coast. This situation has only broadened my compadres and for that I am eternally grateful. 

Creativity. The pressure of daily life as a caretaker saps the desire to create much. Just dealing with the regular things, then having a bit of time to decompress, is more than I could ask for. Again, lucky for me to be able to do this and do it pretty well. At least I HOPE Mom thinks I do it well. The price to pay is that my own hobbies take a back seat. It's not forever. Maybe. 

Writing is a mood-related task for me. I have to have EMOTIONS to feed off of to let the words flow. Clearly the last few years has had it's ups and downs.I like to think it will come back as time allows, but I can't be sure. In the meantime, I'll just try my best to keep the diary flowing. And entertaining.

Aging. Yup, I am now 4 years older. I feel it more and more. Damn. The aches I saw in others have caught me and make me wonder what my capabilities will be going forward. Yes, there are some ways to possibly help without medications, but what if they don't work? There's no winning this race. Enjoying each day and realizing how fortunate I am goes a long way to maintaining my happiness. it really is a choice. I choose to stop counting the years and just keep smiling...

I feel like I am a better me NOW than ever. A better human, a better man, a better son. There's still MUCH to work on, but the desire is still there to improve. I want Mom to be proud of her son. I want my friends to be proud to call me their friend. I want to leave this earth in a better place than if I was never here. I want to be the best husband the wife can possibly imagine. I gotta keep working on that.... 

Wow, this went kind of long, but it seems I had a lot of area to cover. it will be interesting to see how much change the NEXT 4 years will bring...