CAN'T SLEEP TONIGHT

I used to have a real problem sleeping. My mind would be so active that it kept me awake until ridiculous hours of the night. Usually it was about a young lady and my frustrations with the relationship. Sometimes it was about my dissatisfaction with work and my bleak future. Sometimes it was just about being lonely. 

Tonight, it was none of those. 

While I can't blame any one thing for my insomnia, the thing that makes my mind go into overdrive most is fighting the old enemy - depression. These days, it's a battle easily won, but occasionally, knowing those familiar signals are there, it gets the brain on the treadmill of thoughts. 

I have very little to complain about. 

I have a situation at home that's manageable, I'm not on any medication, although MANY assume there NEEDS to be a prescription, STAT! I clearly don't miss many meals, I have a roof over my head, and I have a more friends than I may have ever had in my life. 

I'm just an ordinary Joe, no one that can change the world, but I am worrying about a lot, know of people who have made catastrophic decisions that I couldn't help with, and wonder if my flawed-but-still-GREAT country is unraveling. 

I know that LOGICAL me will eventually show up and save the day, but before he arrives, I think way too much about things I know I can do 100% NOTHING about. It can be frustrating. 

But also, useful. 

When your mind is active, it's the perfect time to get it to work on a problem or 12 that may or may not be been solved. Heaven knows, we all have some clouds that linger far too long.

One of my issues lately is that I am hoping to write more often. Easy, you say? Well...... not when you are a MOOD writer like me. If the mood doesn't strike, then NOTHING GOOD comes out. Believe me, I HAVE tried. So when the emotional bug starts biting, I better start writing! 

I literally have a 100 topics written down, started, or almost complete, so THAT shouldn't be difficult. But it is. Ugh. 

I'm watching Mom sleep, knowing I have to get her up soon to try and go to the bathroom. Most likely it will fail. But often enough, she goes and her bed stays dry for another few hours. She used to sleep in until after 10, which gave me some daytime hours to myself. Yes, they are different. She has been getting up much earlier and I miss those mornings alone.

I'm perplexed at our Government. Why do they not care about us? Why is the allure of money and power so strong? How much is enough? Why don't we, the citizens, care more about the RESULTS of our votes? Why do we seem to be apathetic to all the swampiness in DC? 

I feel for some friends. A few that aren't happily married, at least one that just got just got married to someone awful, and a few that WANT to be married. So few are happy. It makes me sad that I had a hand in their choices, and they aren't better for it. It's times like these I am OK with my solitude. 

I've been reminded of my past a lot lately. My bad decisions, my moments of elation, my crushing disappointments, all conspire to bring me down a bit. Luckily, this too shall pass. 

I went for a drive in Dester today, and it was glorious. The sunshine, the lack of traffic, and the laughs that came out of it were much needed. Mom's situation, while mostly we stay positive, has a way of knocking me down and thinking sunshine will NEVER make it's way to my porch again. It's a constant battle to offset the negative vibes with more joy. We don't always win that one, but the blues don't linger. I can't let Mom see me that way. She actually notices and then I feel WORSE. 

If it seems like my thoughts are bit disjointed, yup. I agree. 

I'm happy that I am emotional, since the alternative is to be cold and distant. if this is the price to pay for that ability, then it is well worth it. A few moments of doubt, of dread, of hopelessness, can be a reminder to find the joy as often as I can, because the next mood-breaker might just be around the corner. 

An really, joy is soooooo easy to see. If you just make the effort to look.