A BAD DAY

 

 

Last Thursday was a bad day.

It didn't start out that way. Fairly normal, I was tired, achy, and ready for the weekend. These are the times I MUST be aware of my lack of patience. Mom doesn't have to suffer because of my mood. 

On this particular Thursday, Mom seemed a bit tired. She slept on almost the entire route, slept when we got home, slept through dinner. It wasn't the first time, but for some reason, it affected me to the core. 

I felt like she was in her final days, and I am NOT ready for that yet. Even after 8 years. 

I can't imagine my life without her in it. Despite the challenges, despite the lack of communication, despite the limitations, despite the pain, I would still choose this over any other version of my life. It's been a gift, to finally be a better son, a better man, by being a caregiver to another. My perspective has truly changed. 

By letting my imagination run with the thought of Mom not being around soon, what followed was a avalanche of sadness. I didn't want to infect anyone, so I went into seclusion and hoped that a new mood would come when the sun rises. My mind running overtime, wondering what I would do for work, what would I do for me, what would I do with all the free time....

So many questions, no answers, and no guarantees it won't be reality next week. 

That is why, in this type of situation, with an unknown future, the best way to handle it for me was to just take one day at a time and don't look too far ahead. It avoids disappointment and keeps things simple. 

Thankfully, today, Mom bounced back and was her happy self, eating 2 meals, and both of us taking a nap after her lunch. It was glorious! She doesn't hug any more, doesn't seem to know what affection is, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying hugging HER and napping alongside her on the couch. Once we got a few years in, I found out the little things are soooooo important to recognize and appreciate.

I find myself wishing we would have done more together in my adult years, but really, we did a lot in the last 8. I have no reason to complain or wishing for something different. I am one of the luckiest guys on earth, and have learned to treasure those moments, big and small, hoping that I will be able to remember them forever....