MARCH 8, 2025

Alone.

That's how I spent Mom's birthday this year, the first without her. It felt like a cloud was hanging over me, even though I know it was all because of how I was remembering the past. And the future without her. 

The memories as a kid are far different, measured by a kids perspective. 

I remember the time Dad was upset, the first time I ever seen him cry, and he told Linda and me that Mom had died, but they brought her back, from the hysterectomy she had to have. How different would life have been if she was gone then? I was 6 or 7 at the time, so I can't imagine the path that would have unfolded at that point. 

I remember finding some letters that my biological father wrote to Mom when

we were in Germany. I couldn't believe he didn't want us to come back to Middletown. Mom defended him, saying she wished we could be friends. It was then I looked at him through clearer eyes. He wasn't a good Dad, and I questioned whether he was a good man. In the end, I was happy that he kept his distance. I am better for it, no doubt. 

I remember when I had my accident, playing baseball, and had to go into the hospital for 2 operations to re-attach my retina. She was so concerned, I felt guilty getting hurt. I was 13 and didn't understand the fuss. I was more upset that Elvis died a week later...

I remember getting my drivers license and she was always worried when I was out and about. She would stay up until I was in for the night. I thought that was just silly. I was 16 and felt independent. 

I remember when Mom had had enough of Dad acting mad at everything and she wanted to leave. The more she thought about it, the more she couldn't do

it. She pointed out the good sides of Dad, and why she should stay. He died a few years later and her life was vastly different. Some new exciting things. Some dark awful things. I think she would have preferred Dad to stay longer. The biggest change after he was gone was Mom stopped going to church. She blamed God for her not being home when Dad left. 

I remember, many times, Mom saying how much she would have liked me to meet a "nice little German girl" and live happily ever after. Even when we went to Germany, I STILL couldn't find one... sorry Mom. 

I remember the long walks Mom and I would go on, talking about everything, and seeing her so happy. I wish I would have tried to make her that joyful more often. Eventually, she found the joy, but only after all her memories were erased. 

I remember our first "once in a lifetime trip" together. We spent seven weeks visiting her family and travelling Europe. There was not special time with Mom, up until then. Too bad I lost 15 rolls of film taken during that time.... so many memories lost.

I remember taking Mom on a company trip I earned to Canada. I was so glad I got the opportunity. She went shopping (which she despised!) for a new

wardrobe and was as happy and proud as I ever seen her. Those smiles are burned in my memory, even to this day. To show her that her son wasn't the bum her husbands claimed I was, and the way she was accepted by everyone, clearly showed I made the right decision to bring her along. 

I remember when I got the call from Mom that I needed to come home and help her through a difficult situation with her ex-husband. She was living with him, despite the chaos he brought, thinking she could somehow make it all better. When she finally felt overwhelmed by it all, she got me involved, but it didn't last long. A few months later, she was back. She felt sorry for him, because he had no one to take care of him in declining health. That was Mom's spirit... to take care of someone despite the emotional demolition derby that her life became. 

Right up until she couldn't take his abuse any more. I had to get involved again, this time for good. I could see the relief on Mom right away. She started to be happy again, but all was not as it was before. She had lost a step. Her mind was not clear. Luckily, she never really noticed. I knew this was going to be a long road full of new things to learn. Did I imagine almost 10 years? Nope. 

The decline in the beginning was ok. Conversation was harder to keep going. She didn't have the words any more. But she started to laugh more. She started to enjoy life and smile all the time. That's what I'll remember. Mom smiling.

There's literally hundreds of pictures of Mom after this time. MOST of them show a smiling happy lady loving life. That's what I miss...

So what do I take away from the last 9 years? There were struggles, tears, laughter, and smiles. The fact Mom didn't remember who I was pretty soon after she started to live with me was a bummer. 

I knew I missed the best years. I was determined though, to make Mom's last years her best. I was proud of her my whole life, but no more so than when she started to have challenges, and just battled through them. She stayed the determined, positive person I always knew. 

Did I succeed in surrounding Mom with joy? ? If you look at the pictures, it seems that answer is a resounding yes. 

I hope she can say the same....

2025

 

Day 1: Not a BAD day, unless you were an Arizona State fan... I got a little done around the apartment that I've been putting off, so I felt good about that. 

Mom was on my mind all day. Looking at pictures of not long ago, wishing she was still here. Not the sleeping-20-hours-a-day version, but the smiling happy one that is burned in my memory. 

Plans? 

I used to make a list every year. 10 things to do in the next 52 weeks. I usually got about half successfully completed. This year? Until I have a job I can count on, no plans are clear. We will see how things unfold...

What do I hope for? 

World peace, of course. 

Besides that, I would love for everyone, including me, to find happiness. It has eluded many of us. I already searched "H", looked online, and checked the couch cushions. Nothing so far... 

Paying down debt. Yup, time with Mom accumulated some bills I didn't have, but it was a decision I made, knowing this day might come where I had to confront it without her. 

Continue to lose weight. I've actually had more victories in that department in the last month and half. I feel like I finally have a process that works for me. My trophy will be when I lose another 80 pounds...

Travel would be nice, but it's hard to imagine doing it when money is so tight. This too may pass. If it does, I want to take my FIRST cruise. I can't believe I waited all this time for a boat ride... 

Keep reading new books. It's one of my habits before going to sleep.The latest one was about Elvis' daughter. She wasn't raised for a normal life, and that's exactly how she lived. Completely broken. No tools to cope. Such a shame...

Well, I guess I have my list. Let's see how it all works out.

 

6 WEEKS LATER

 

46 days she's been gone. I still have trouble with the idea she's not here with me any longer. I had one of my favorite pictures of Mom super-sized and put it on the mantle. 

It helps to see her smiling face every day, but the sadness of her passing still hits me hard. 

Me being me, I wonder why the natural order of things is so difficult to deal with. Yes, I understand missing Mom, because she meant so much to me, not only because the lifetime of memories I still have, but I wish she wouldn't have had to deal with the Alzheimers. She would probably still be watching TV with me every day. She was healthy otherwise. Who knows how many more years she had. Maybe more than me.

I struggle to find a new purpose. Taking care of her was like breathing, so now that that duty is gone, where do I go from here? I certainly have new limitations.

If I was me at 40 instead of 60, it prolly would be easier to see a future of fun and adventure. But the reality is, most of the dreams I had that involved much physical activity are put away. Arthritis has taken a good hold, and limits what I can actually do during the day. Not only in the knees, but it seems to be spreading throughout. Cross "sky diving" off the bucket list.... and MANY other things. 

I am reminded how alone I am daily. Not that it is such a bad thing. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. But that doesn't define happiness. What is left to discover? To experience? To cherish? Maybe that is why I am reading more.

Looks like I have some investigating to do....

THE LONG GOODBYE IS DONE

 

At around 2:30 this morning, Mom passed on. 

Even as I process it now, the words don't seem real. 

I can see her in my mind, happy as she could be, hugging her 4 sisters for the first time in decades. The last gathering was almost 25 years ago.

They were all so full of joy to be together again. 

I know it was selfish to want to keep her with me longer, but I would have signed up for ANOTHER nine and a half years in a heartbeat. 

I've written a bit about our journey through this difficult disease, almost 10 years of learning, adapting, and moving forward. There is much documented on the stages, the setbacks, the challenges, yet the most important thing I tried to focus on was laughing. Mom could do that often, once she forgot the painful memories of the past. 

These past few months have been particularly difficult, as Mom didn't smile as often, or seem to have much recognition of anything familiar. I feared she was slipping away from me even further, sleeping more than 20 hours a day. Eating changed to mostly drinking these last couple of weeks. Even her assisted "walking", where I took most of her weight, and she moved her feet, was done. I knew Mom was going to leave me soon, but I was NOT ready. 

Last Sunday, I got her up as normal, and everything seemed to go as before. She had her "breakfast" of drinks and yogurt and banana, but she had trouble like she never had before. She started to have real struggles of swallowing, so I stopped, hoping she wouldn't have further issues with food going down the wrong pipe. 

Then, she slept.... and slept... and slept. All the while having a change in her breathing. She had been thru this before, but slept it off with no problems after. This was different. 

I took her to the hospital, a week ago tonight, and she just wouldn't wake up. They put some IV fluids in as we waited for the test results, and they came back as pneumonia, so they gave her some medicine that seemed to even out her breathing. Then they asked if I knew this was just the beginning of the end. I had to admit, I did. 

She didn't wake up all week, although her eyes might have been open occasionally. I knew she had been gone for longer, but she went as we all would want to go... deep in sleep.

Mom kept being Mom, even when there seemed to be nothing of her left. She stayed kind, happy, and easy to take care of. I don't know if she ENJOYED being the center of attention in our household, but I sure was happy to see her smile. Nothing has made me more proud to be her son than being able to be there when she needed me most.

Mom has made me a better man than I was before this all started. I've said this before. She got me to think more of someone else before me. After being on my own for almost 40 years, it was easy to do whatever it took to make Mom a happy woman. 

I hope I made her proud....

ME in 2024

 

Well, it seems the mood to write doesn't happen as often as it used to. It's prolly because I don't have much to report. Life is kind of repetitious, which I used to dislike with a passion. Mom seems to thrive on a routine, so we just routinely go thru our day and enjoy it. 

While I have nothing to complain about, I certainly won't admit everything is perfect. The aches and pains are spreading, the weight is not coming off as fast as in the past because the aches and pains are spreading. I have time to myself since Mom is sleeping so much these days, but the desire and ability to get some fun things done just isn't there. 

It's NOT because of depression or anything like that. My mental state is as strong as it's ever been. Years of self-examination have really helped in that department. I know that taking care of Mom has helped me realize what is truly important these days, and also in dealing with any issues that pop up. 

It's car show season, and I have to admit, I have ZERO motivation to attend any. Why? I'm sure it's more than one reason, but the biggest reason is that I am OK with just staying home. I have my online interests, my day-dreaming, and reading to get me thru. I wish I had some relevant writing to do. I wish I could really get into some low-impact exercises. I wish the lottery would FINALLY pick the right numbers! 

Interesting thing about my lottery dreams. There is going to come a point in the near future where I will stop playing. It has been therapeutic to escape the reality of life these past few years. Dreaming of a time where I could do all the things I thought were out of reach. Cars, travel, helping other, meeting new people, things like that. Figuring out how I would spend the money has been quite entertaining. Digging in deep what would be the best way to uplift folks went in many directions. Travel plans were all over the world. Homes in different parts of the country also distracted from any negativity that might creep in. 

The reality is, I'm going to be 60 in a few days. That doesn't even sound right. How could I be OLD already???? 

Anyways....

I know if the arthritis isn't something I can minimize, many of the plans I had when younger will never be realized, even if I could afford it. I hold out hope that there is SOMETHING I can do to improve with enough funds. If not, the list of "To-do" things gets remarkably short. 

It gets harder and harder to work on a car. It is impossible to walk miles like I used to do without thinking. Even driving long distances is a chore that I don't look forward to. 

But....

I still enjoy learning new things. I still look forward to reading the next good book. I still love making plans, even if they aren't going to happen. I still smile watching a good movie. I don't get down, or mopey for long periods of time any more. I battled that demon for decades, but it is defeated. No medication required. 

I feel like I am the best ME that I have ever been. It's actually a good feeling.... 

What's next? 

Hopefully something cool to write about...

Mom in 2024

There hasn’t been an update on Mom for a while. While her condition gradually gets worse,we’ve hit a spot where the changes are small.  When I look at the last post updating her status, I realize a LOT has changed. I guess I was waiting for a happier ending to her struggles, but the reality has set in and it’s time to admit, she will probably not walk again on her own. 

Last April, she fell as we were walking into the house. I had her hand, so the landing was very, very minor. I thought. As I tried to get her to her feet, she couldn’t put any pressure on one side, which I thought was strange. It was almost a year after her Covid experience, and although it hit her hard, she recovered enough to walk again, with a helping hand. Luckily, I had a wheelchair handy, so I loaded her up and took her inside, hoping to see rapid improvement. It’s difficult to diagnose anyone who can’t speak, and sometimes there are little episodes that resolve themselves overnight, so I took a wait-and-see approach. I’m still waiting…

We have been working on getting her back on her feet, but she needs LOTS of support to even walk across the room. The upside is, she smiles like a little kid after we do this exercise, so it’s easy to keep doing it!  I still holdout a little hope for her to walk on her own, but the Dr’s just think it’s part of the decline. We won’t stop trying. 

She sleeps an average of 20 hours a day now, long enough to eat, which she does VERY well. She seems to be maintaining her weight, which is always a concern. We watch a little TV, and sometimes have a chat. I just wish I knew what she was saying!  She smiles a lot less, but it makes me appreciate it when it happens. Sadly there is no recognition of me in her eyes, but I can still get her to smile, even if I am a stranger to her. She also has stopped enjoying the rides in the car, using that time to nap. 

While this all sounds normal in the course of this disease, we still look for positives. They are there. She can’t walk but she can stand, which makes our bathroom time easier. While she doesn’t smile often, she still does. I just have to try harder. While she sleeps a lot, I enjoy the time we can spend while she’s awake. While she gets closer to the time she is called home to see her family, I will hopefully make every day left a good one for the both of us. That’s been the goal all along. 

I think we have done pretty well, so far….

A BAD DAY

 

 

Last Thursday was a bad day.

It didn't start out that way. Fairly normal, I was tired, achy, and ready for the weekend. These are the times I MUST be aware of my lack of patience. Mom doesn't have to suffer because of my mood. 

On this particular Thursday, Mom seemed a bit tired. She slept on almost the entire route, slept when we got home, slept through dinner. It wasn't the first time, but for some reason, it affected me to the core. 

I felt like she was in her final days, and I am NOT ready for that yet. Even after 8 years. 

I can't imagine my life without her in it. Despite the challenges, despite the lack of communication, despite the limitations, despite the pain, I would still choose this over any other version of my life. It's been a gift, to finally be a better son, a better man, by being a caregiver to another. My perspective has truly changed. 

By letting my imagination run with the thought of Mom not being around soon, what followed was a avalanche of sadness. I didn't want to infect anyone, so I went into seclusion and hoped that a new mood would come when the sun rises. My mind running overtime, wondering what I would do for work, what would I do for me, what would I do with all the free time....

So many questions, no answers, and no guarantees it won't be reality next week. 

That is why, in this type of situation, with an unknown future, the best way to handle it for me was to just take one day at a time and don't look too far ahead. It avoids disappointment and keeps things simple. 

Thankfully, today, Mom bounced back and was her happy self, eating 2 meals, and both of us taking a nap after her lunch. It was glorious! She doesn't hug any more, doesn't seem to know what affection is, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying hugging HER and napping alongside her on the couch. Once we got a few years in, I found out the little things are soooooo important to recognize and appreciate.

I find myself wishing we would have done more together in my adult years, but really, we did a lot in the last 8. I have no reason to complain or wishing for something different. I am one of the luckiest guys on earth, and have learned to treasure those moments, big and small, hoping that I will be able to remember them forever....

ME in '23

As I look back on the posts here, I find a lot of "Mom" and very little on "me". Why is not a hard question to answer. My life is very centered on Mom and her care. It doesn't leave much for me. 

Ironically, even if I was to have all the time in the world right now, I couldn't take full advantage of the opportunity. Arthritis has taken a good hold of me, and has spread, making even a short walk or just an hour or two of garage time seem daunting. Like everyone who has ever been afflicted, we never imagined it would happen to us. 

Staying active clearly only does so much. 

I used to walk for hours, as it was an easy way to control my weight. Now, I have never weighed more and the attitude I have fought my whole life, of not caring that much, has returned. Caring for Mom is harder, but we fight thru and keep laughing. 

The other irony is, I feel I am a MUCH better person, son, and citizen than I ever was. I will admit that happiness is a constant companion now, as with age came wisdom. Yes, my bucket has changed DRAMATICALLY, but I'm sure that is not uncommon.Yes, my hopes and dreams have been altered by this experience. But that doesn't make them bad or unwanted. Just evolved. 

Mom has helped me become less selfish and more understanding. Lynn has helped me be more aware of politics and current events. Sunil has reminded me I'm not getting any younger, and Ivanne has given me much to think about. I'm about to turn "almost 60" and I know exactly where the years went. 

In my teens, I was unhappy with who I was and insecure about what I could do. But I DID get my first motorcycle! 

In my 20's, I got my first Econoline, was still insecure, still trying to find my way, still dreaming of success.

In my 30's, I found my happy place, bought a house, got married (and divorced...ugh), moved to Philly, and finally was a success at work. 

In my 40's, I tried to convert my experience in the insurance industry to something else more fulfilling. I failed. Moved to DC, discovered I like writing, and moved back to PA. 

In my 50's, Mom came to live with me for good, her memory issues have gone from mild to crippling, we added Dester to our family, and met a LOT of Econoline people that are GOOD folks. We drove cross-country and squished our toes in the Pacific Ocean, met Jay Leno, and had my eyes open to the ways of the world.

What will the 60's bring? 

I'm sure I will be surprised at whatever happens. You can plan forever, but when the time comes, it may or may not happen as you thought. I imagined I would be close to retirement, with a pile of money invested to live out my days travelling, Econolining, and in general, living the good life. Guess I will move to plan B...

There is absolutely no regret in taking care of Mom and sacrificing the last 8 years for her. It is a trade I would make EVERY time. Just seeing her awaken with a smile every morning lets me know I am where I need to be. 

I see classmates passing away and it makes me question everything. Thankfully, I am at peace with where I am and happy to have lived the life I did and to have done MUCH more than that insecure teenager could have dreamed. 

Everyone should be so lucky...

HAPPY 80th BIRTHDAY TO MOM!

The day started, as usual, with trying to get a smile out of Mom. Some are easier than others, and this one took a minute because she was in a deep sleep. It’s a GREAT way to start, since most days, she's happy and eager to show it. 

The next thing I did was tell her Happy Birthday. I reminded her it was her 80th. I got the blankest of stares. Yes, I get reminders of her condition constantly, and expected no less. She hasn’t known a birthday or any holiday since her 75th. She didn’t really believe it then either! Hahaha

What can I say about Mom? 

Outliving all her siblings, but remembering none of them. 

Even at this age, the only “medication” she takes are vitamins. 

It took her till her mind was mostly gone to be truly happy, which is better than some people who never find joy. 

She needs my help to get around, but I don’t mind at all. I still see her in her hospital bed last year, unable to move much at all. To have her mobile is a gift in my eyes. 

She still eats good, sleeps REALLY good, and smiles a lot during the day. 

I feel lucky to have her around, even if she needs me to help bathe, use the bathroom, fix her meals, wash her clothes, get her out of bed, and a hundred other things. I am fortunate to be able to do all this for her, and wouldn’t pass it along to anyone else. 

I never knew I could be as good of a man as I am now, and I have to thank Mom for enabling me to stumble a little on the way to being a not-so-bad son….

MOM - 2023

 

I find it difficult at times to write these days. It isn't for lack of topics or desire. My enthusiasm sometimes, gets worn down. I try and stay positive, yet the tired and defeated creeps through the cracks.

One of the subjects I feel is important to keep up to date is Mom. There are some folks we have met in our travels that like to hear about her and what we are up to. Unfortunately, the days of travel and adventure seems to be coming to a close.

Mom has stayed happy and healthy, but her decline is relentless. It gets a bit depressing to think about her losses, so I focus on what is left. This works most times, but there are moments that just overcome the joy and remind me that the long goodbye has an end. I just can't think about that time clearly or positively. 

It would seem strange to some, that after 7 years of caring for Mom, I am OK with another 7, if she is able to stay. All the days are not filled with sunshine, but the worst challenges are still better than not having Mom around at all. 

This year, there has been a few major changes to our routine that smacked me in the face because it represents a significant loss for Mom. Here are a few -

Carrying Mom up the stairs. While she can walk a bit with help, Mom can't go up the stairs these last few weeks. I was hoping it was just a muscle strain or something, but recovery isn't going as well as I'd hoped. Even standing is a struggle on a bad day. Yes, it makes our normal routine a LOT more labor-intensive! I haven't trusted her to walk by herself for almost a year now... and now she isn't able.

Light switch covers. Yes, Mom used to want to play with the lights, so I put covers on to hide them from her. After a bit, she forgot all about them. Now, because of Mom's lack of mobility, the covers came off. While I hope she can walk better in the near future, it may well be a glimpse of what the  future holds. 

Conversations. Yes, they haven't happened in years, but at least I felt like she understood a little of what I was saying. Now? Nope. Not even a little bit. She still makes herself laugh, and sometimes laughs at me if I am being silly, and most importantly, she wakes up most days with a big smile, which speaks volumes to me...

Getting out of bed. Mom hasn't gotten herself out of bed in years. I wasn't sure how I would react or care for Mom if she was that helpless. Well, now I know. On one hand, it's convenient to handle the chore of hygieney things while she is comfortable. On the other, it's sad she is trapped in there until I see her awake on the monitor. 

Routine. It isn't ALL bad news. Although I have NEVER enjoyed a "routine" that becomes dull and boring, Mom seems to respond better to one, so we follow it. She sleeps as much as she wants, eats as much as she wants, and I try and keep her active despite her disabilities.  It's not so bad, really! 

MOM AND COVID

 

Yup.... Mom caught Covid. From ME! 

I didn't even have a clue I had it, except for the body aches and sleepiness I had for a half a day. 

I tried to give Mom some nasal medication, since I felt a bit off, but clearly I didn't do enough or do it in time. She REALLY didn't take it well, but I hoped it would keep whatever I had away from her. No sense BOTH of us feeling blah. 

Nope. 

About a week after I had my aches, Mom slept late on a Saturday. This is not unusual, since she doesn't usually have anything planned, so I just let her get up when she wants to. By noon, she was still snoring. 2 pm she was still snoozing, with no issues. Around 5, I noticed her breathing was starting to get shallow. I'm no Dr, and I don't play one on TV, but I know if there are any changes in a basic body function like that, it's time to get it checked. Since she didn't want to eat anything, and she couldn't walk on her own, it made it easy to load her up and take her to the ER. 

This all happened on May 21st. 

I expected to be able to take her home that night, but that idea got squashed when the first of the test results came in - she had Covid.  

The pandemic had been going on for over a year at this point. Mom and I had plowed through it like we did most things, by being a little careful but not terrified. I had followed the crisis since the very beginning, and knew there were MANY untruths being told. Since so few in the media and government couldn't be trusted, the decision to vaccinate was easy. No way, no how. 

Mom and I loaded up on Vitamin D and the basics, hoping the added supplements would help fight off any virus. We had stayed busy, took a cross country trip for a month, and in general, just lived our normal life during the chaos. No issues and no worries. 

It worked well, right up to this day in May. 

Then, the Dr taking care of Mom had to ask some tough questions. If she stopped breathing, did I want them to use any means to revive her? My mind could not process this right away. The thought of Mom not coming back home - ever - didn't compute. The Dr continued that most folks Mom's age didn't make it and that I should prepare for the worst. 

Now, I am NOT naive. I know Mom won't live forever. Maybe not even more than a few years. The preparation for that day hadn't started yet. I just kept thinking that a week before, Mom and I had attended a car show and walked for at least a half-hour with no issues. No, this wasn't going to be a story of sadness and despair. This was going to be a happy and victorious time that made me appreciate every day more than I did. 

She stayed in the ER that night and the apartment felt sooooo empty. I haven't had more than a few hours apart from Mom in years, like over SEVEN years! This was clearly odd and I couldn't enjoy the break at all. 

What I THOUGHT was going to be a quick trip for her turned into almost a week in the ER. During this time, I visited and hoped for a quick recovery. They said she had pneumonia in one lung and stayed on oxygen to help with her breathing. It was interesting that when she was admitted, she had a temperature of 101, but was 98 in a day. She didn't seem to mind the opportunity to sleep, and did so most of the days. Her eating was sporadic, which was a concern since she was only 90 pounds dripping wet. Probably the biggest change was just getting her hydrated. She has ALWAYS been difficult to drink enough, no matter what I tried, so just having an IV of fluids helped her color and skin. She looked better almost immediately. 

Almost a week later, they transferred her to a private room. Since she was a "covid" patient, she was in isolation, despite no lingering symptoms of the virus. What lingered was the cough and breathing issues. She seemed to improve every day, except for her loss of strength that kept her from being able to walk at all. I figured she would be back on her feet in no time. 

One of my disappointments was in her eating. The staff couldn't seem to find the time to have her eat much of any meal. Once I saw that she ate EVERYTHING for me, although it took a while, I knew she would be ok. Which made it very odd when I got a call from one of her Dr's that asked if I was coming to visit. I told them I visited every day. He said I should make it soon, since she might not survive the night.... WHAT????? 

That day was miserable. I finished the route Mom always rides along, all the while I'm trying to imagine my life without her. Preparations to make, my future work, the sense of loss already, it all made for a LOUSY time. I expected the worst when I finally got to the hospital, but she was all smiles and in a great mood when I arrived. I was both relieved and annoyed that a diagnosis was so wrong. 

The next few days saw her still improving but still not walking. She ate well for me, sometimes she ate well for the staff, but the general trend was her getting better every day. This was GREAT news, but after almost three weeks, they wanted to transfer her to a rehab facility. I got mixed feelings about a new staff and new location, but when I was told it would be less than 5 minutes from the house, I was all in! 

June 10th was the big day, and I would like to say it went well. The transfer was late, and Mom missed dinner. What a GREAT value the $900 it cost for transport. Not. The facility staff did what they could and I saw real compassion for Mom, which is all we can ask for. It gave me a glimpse on how Mom would be treated , and it made me feel better at their concern. It wasn't their fault that she arrived three hours later than planned, but the days that followed would be mostly positive and made me comfortable knowing Mom was in good hands. 

We still had eating issues from some staff, despite my success on Mom finishing most of her meals with me. It was GREAT to see so many people actually caring and enjoying Mom being a patient. I was happy to go in every chance I got to not only spend time with Mom, but see and chat with those kind folks. 

You never know the difficulties of caring for the elderly until you experience it first hand. The angels who work in healthcare do their best to make everyone happy and healthy. Some patients are mean, some are loud, some are confused, but all get attention. The only issue that seems a common one was having enough staff to do all the work. Writing this in September (now October!), being away since the middle of July, I have to admit I miss seeing their smiling faces every day...

The weeks went by quickly. At first it was very strange to ride around without Mom. I am in such a routine, it took quite a while until it became the new normal. I looked forward to Mom going with me again, and the memories of her "last days" faded. It WAS a reminder that SOMEDAY, hopefully in the distant future, this all will occur. A day that will surely scar me and leave an empty space in my heart. Forever. 

But it's not today. As I organize my thoughts on this adventure, I am proud of Mom not giving up, She tried hard, every time we attempted to walk. The first few steps were just a hint of what was to come. Three steps turned into ten which turned into 25. The rehab folks were so limited by what they can or can't do, so I felt my role wasn't just "feeder" for Mom, so I added "physical therapist" to my title and gave myself a 100% raise! 

I loved when the first time Mom walked the entire hall and patient's jaws dropped. They couldn't believe Mom made such dramatic progress. I knew once we were able to walk ALL the halls in a single session, our time there was coming to an end. Even though we had trouble with steps, which are a challenge since we have a few at our apartment, improvement came slowly, but once we succeeded in conquering the "mountain" on the exercise room, I was ready to bring her home. 

July 15th was discharge day, which worked out since I could do our route and then pick her up afterward. Unfortunately, she picked this day to try and get out of her wheelchair, and fell. It was hard enough to affect her walking. She regressed to a few weeks prior, but I took her home anyway. I knew we could work on it together at home and she would be better than ever. 

If only... 

After 21 days in the hospital, going from BAD possibilities to hope for recovery, and a further 35 days in rehabilitation, I would have expected Mom to be back to Pre-Covid abilities. Not so. 

Mom used to be able to walk pretty easily for a half hour. Now, she can barely go for 15. On a GOOD day. She lost weight for sure.  The last time we measured, Mom was only 85 pounds, yet her appetite is still good. Better than ever. She is still happy, waking up with a smile every day. She sleeps through the night with no issues. I can admit that this journey is one of the easier versions I've heard of. I always feel fortunate, even on the days when my patience is gone. 

I made the statement to folks taking care of Mom, that it's been almost 7 years that she has been with me. I'm NOT ready for it to be over. I will GLADLY sign up for ANOTHER 7, without hesitation. 

She has earned it. 

She deserves it.

 

CHARLES BARKLEY

 

It's funny how time changes perspective on so many things. Life, events, music, family, almost everything changes importance or significance as the years roll on by. 

I was reminded of this by the young man pictured, who happens to be in the news lately - Charles Barkley. 

It wasn't through an unexpected phone call or text from Chuck, although that would be something to write about! How did he get my number? Why reach out to a stranger in Pennsylvania? Why am I asking so many questions about something that never happened??? 

No.... it was because so much speculation has come his way recently, and it made me smile, thinking of how differently I view Mr Barkley these days compared to when he was a terror on the basketball court. 

Back in the day, I WASN'T a fan. 

I'm generally not a fan of anyone that, in my eyes, acts a fool or is arrogant. Yup, I cheer more for the Barry Sanders type than the guy trying to be the center of attention. Although I agreed with Charles on his infamous quote on NOT being a role model, the rest of the time I was cheering against him. 

I have to admit, I was completely, totally, and without a doubt, WRONG about him. I hope the basketball Gods didn't take my opinions to heart and keep Sir Charles from winning an NBA title! 

Why the change of heart? 

You only have to watch a few minutes of him on TV to see a genuine and honest human being that not only entertains, but earns the respect of anyone listening. You may not always agree with his opinions, but you gotta love his passion.

Chuck has had his share of challenges since leaving the court, but he has persevered and succeeded beyond anyone's imagination. If he can overcome that legendary golf swing of his and still enjoy the game, he can do ANYTHING! 

He is able to laugh at himself constantly, and when asked a question, thinks a bit deeper than you may have expected from anyone else. He is the kind of guy you hope to have as a friend, and smart enough to have learned from his vast experience. 

Charles has gone from a guy I hope loses, to one that I'm happy to see him winning in life. If I ever get to meet this young man, I surely have questions to ask - but not before I ask his forgiveness for my stupidness and lack of vision to see the man as he is... a national treasure and a one to be proud of. 

NOW & THEN - WOMEN

It was Betty White's 97th birthday the day I started this post. In January 2022, she would have been 100 years young.What a life she has led!

No, I don't have an unhealthy attraction towards her, but it DID make me think about something. It made me think about the changes in what we want in the opposite sex, as time goes on. 

Not everyone has to ponder this type of thing. A LOT of folks are happily married to their best friend. Some people are living with their future spouse. But, unfortunately, there are a few of us (OK, maybe more than a FEW) that AREN'T. 

As I looked back, deep into the past, I just shook my head at what I thought was important in a woman. The most important thing was, did she like me? Not much else mattered because I was so insecure. No wonder I was such a failure with the ladies.  

Our vision when we are young is so limited. We don't have the benefit of time and experience to know what is good for us. We don't have the wisdom to look past a pretty face or an alluring shape. 

Sitting here and thinking about my "ideal", it starts at being attractive. Then quickly evolves to "is she interesting?" Going forward, it's soooo much more than just mutual attraction any more. 

But what does "attractive" mean? Yes, it means that when I look at her, I want to smile. I want to feel fortunate that she is with me. But, now in my 50's, it goes beyond the obvious. It isn't the pretty face that is compelling, but the personality and character that matter most. Unfortunately, that makes a search for someone who fits that description even harder. There are MANY more "gorgeous" people out there than there are interesting and compassionate. 

I found out, during my dating days, that the person who had opinions, had an open mind, wanted to learn and experience new things, was GREAT at something, and laughed at my jokes was the one I wanted to spend time with. They may have been short or tall, younger or older, thick or thin, it didn't seem to matter as much what package this cool person was in. One would think that I would have found her by now, yet success eluded me - mostly because of my bad decisions. I let the good ones go away, finding a deal breaker somewhere. What an idiot. 

The worst scenario was when I would find someone who seemed like a perfect fit, despite there being a fatal flaw, more times than not that flaw was they didn't like me as much as I did them. Living in the POSSIBILITIES can be harmful to one's mental health. Believe me, I know! Having it happen once is bad enough, but some of us are so thick-headed that we don't accept the teaching of just ONE heartbreak. Nope. We need CONFIRMATION that we are a moron by doing the exact same thing AGAIN. 

Ugh....

As I look back on my social life, I certainly can't complain. There have been some truly great human beings that I had the honor to know, there have been some truly disappointing people I didn't want to know, and there have been more than a few that were nice, but not for me. We all, I'm sure, have a few folks that got away for one reason or another. In looking back, there are more than a few that I prolly could have been happily-ever-after with. I just wasn't ready I suppose. 

So what would I have to offer now that I'm older and slightly wiser? 

I have more patience than ever. I am more informed on many topics. I am more worldly. I am more educated on who exactly would be a good match. I am more compassionate. I am MUCH more confident. 

It's a shame that all those qualities took a lifetime to acquire. Oh well, better late than never, right???

As far as Betty goes, she is gone now, and the world is lesser for it. She was a shining example of someone who didn't need a child or a man to make her happy. She lived her life and worked on her own terms. She won at life and we are all better for knowing her, if even from a distance...